LIVE on tape from the RNC. I was going to count how many times McCain mentions that he was a POW, but that's way too much work, so intead I'm going to have the start-to-POW clock - how long it takes from the start of his speech to his first mention of being a POW. My bet is on under 10 minutes. If you think you can guess closer than that, travel back in time to before the speech began and let me know. Thanks. I'm discounting the endless coverage it gets in his opening video. Us libtards are nice like that.

Okay, here we go. I'm already wondering how I got roped into this. McCain's introductory music hits and here he comes. The crowd is going crazy. He stops, looks around at the thousands of cheering faces. One by one he ascends the corner posts, throwing his fist up in the air as the crowd goes absolutely nuts, getting louder and louder. Finally he's ready to speak, but the crowd won't let him talk. He holds up his hands for silence. The crowd gets quiet - a little quieter. "FINALLY," he intones. He's drowned out by the roar of the massive crowd. Again he has to hold up his hands for silence. "Finally," he repeats slowly, "The Rock -" What the fuck? Oh, sorry, I must have accidently put the Rock DVD in here. No idea how that happened.

Okay. Let me see. What really happened? John McCain comes out looking creepy and old. There's cheers from the white portion of the audience (99.99%). The black portion (1 guy) is lingered on lovingly by the camera. You know, I really don't need to see all these old republicans in STUNNING HIGH DEF. McCain thanks the crowd. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you.

Okay. Here we really go. Oh my fucking god, he's IN FRONT OF A GREEN SCREEN AGAIN. Didn't they learn after the last time? I look forward to videos where dicks are swinging behind his ears. Or I guess I don't. God, I don't want to get personal, but his teeth look really yellow and gross in front of that green screen. Okay. McCain's talking: All the guys I beat in the primary - HAH, cut to a guy holding a sign that says "MCCAIN VOTES AGAINST VETS" McCain mentions 9/11. which took under a minute. You stay classy. Lots of cheering, which can only mean REPUBLICANS SUPPORT 9/11. McCain's praising Bush, which I love. Cozy right up to him. Maybe that 28% approval rating will rub off on ya. McCain's just kissing Bush ass for a while, including Laura, Poppy, etc. McCain thanks his seven children, which brings on the first scary old guy grin. YEch. Standard pro-family stuff. McCain wiggles his eyebrows suggestively when he says "land mines". Cut to Times Square, where one jewish guy is clapping uncertainly, and everyone else sits stonefaced. Hah. More family stuff. Mad love for my moms. And my shoties. McCain says he intends to earn undecided voters and flashes that creepy assed smile again. And now a word to Obama and his supporters (IE, me): I respect you, now listen to me insinuate that you and your cantidate both hate america. Okay, his backround changed blue, which looks a little bit better. The crowd keeps interrupting him with cheers and applause, which sounds good, but it's keeping him from building up any momentum. He can't get on a roll like Obama, or even finish a thought. And oops, there's some protestors getting dragged out.

Okay. Where were we? These are tough times. McCain gets all of four sentances out before the crowd interrupts him by chanting USA - prompted, apparently, by him saying "Many of you are having trouble staying in your homes..." It's hard to tell how good this speech is, because he can't get it out. McCain says "Warshington". On to Palin. McCain tries to say she has "a real record," which she spins on the wheels of steel three nights a week down at Shooters, y'all. McCain hits the scary smile again. I really hope he stops doing that soon. And as soon as I type that, he does it again, while also saying "Warshington". God, how much of this is there left? McCain calls out the "old, big-spending, me-first" crowd, IE the republican senate. McCain says he won't leave our problems for our next generation to fix. Does that mean he's going to repeal Bush's tax cuts and work on energy independence? We'll see. (Spoilers: No.) McCain works the maverick angle. He fought the big spenders, even those who dug this blender. McCain says that when someone tries to pass pork barrel bills, "YOU WILL KNOW THIER NAMES," and he's right, because he just introduced us to Sarah Bridge to Nowhere Palin. ICE BURNED

McCain goes down a list of who he's fought: Oil companies, union bosses, Magneto, the Pentagon, the Romulans, Democrats, lobbyists, and Mitt Romney. McCain breaks out "I'd rather lose an election than see my country lose a war". Who gave out these red "PEACE" signs the crowd is waving? I thought the republicans were going the other way. McCain talks up the surge. He fights for US, and two people from Farmington Hills, Michigan (big cheers, then a few boos - are we really booing Michigan here, people?). McCain tells some of those boring "here's some people I met that bad shit happened to" stories. Someone has an autistic son or something.

Okay, he's on to how the Republican administration failed by growing the government and fucking up. Okay, this is kind of brave. He's trying to throw equal blame on the Democrats, which is pretty nonsensical, I'll take what I can get. Somehow from there we wander to people arriving on the Mayflower. He says that the latina daughter of migrant workers is as much an american as anyone else, which I'm sure is pissing off a fair amount of the crowd. He tries to get back on track by just reading off talking points. Culture of life! Judges! He says Obama will raise taxes, which gets some boos. Take that, Obama, you government-spender, you. McCain mentions his health care plan, which last I read, was having everyone go to the emergency room. McCain is all outraged that under Obama's system, A BEAURICRAT will be in between you and your doctor. Unlike now, where poor people just don't have doctors. So fuck you, Obama!

McCain kinda goes off track for a little bit talking about jobs, which aren't coming back, and the solution is going to community college and taking lower paying jobs. That's not exactly what he said, but god damn, he's wandering all over the place. Now he's talking about education, which is "the civil rights issue of this century", because, as you know, we solved all the civil rights issues of the last century. He goes on about schools for a while. Hire better teachers. I don't know how to make this part interesting. Apparently we should get rid of the teacher's union. YEAH HOW COME THOSE LAZY BUMS GET PAID WHEN THEY HAVE -THREE MONTHS OFF- A YEAR?

Okay. Finally we kind of get back on track. McCain's going to stop sending money "to countries that don't like us," and has to stop for two minutes as the crowd goes crazy. Is he talking about forgein aid, or what? Oh, it's OIL. We'll drill new wells at home, and "WE'LL DRILL THEM NOW!" We better get started, since it's going to take 20 years for them to have any impact. More nuclear power plants, which gets big cheers. More wind, tides, and solar, which gets stony silence. Obama doesn't want to drill, but he's wrong, because americans are ambitious. Whatever that means. On to forgein policy: We beat up Al Quida, but they're not defeated. Deft avoidance of whose fault that is. Some slams at Russia here. Sure, they say they're not communist anymore, but - and he really says this - they have "ambitions of reconstituting the Russian empire". So look the fuck out, East Germany. McCain does some Bush-style bullshit about THE GOOD AND EVIL IN THE WORLD (hint: brown people who have oil = evil). When McCain was five years old, in 1854, Commodore Matthew Perry opened Japan - woops, wait a minute. Sorry, when he was five years old, Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. Then on to Vietnam - and - and - wow, no POW mention? McCain's totally making me look like an asshole by going the whole speech without mentioning it so far. What a libtard.

Okay, new paragraph. We need to change the way government does almost everything. Yeah, how'd that happen? McCain blames this on the "information technology revolution" - remember, this is the man who doesn't use a computer and had his cell phone taken away. I've stopped looking at the screen, so that I don't have to see his creepy smile. McCain seriously comes out with, "I've got that record, and the scars to prove it," big pause, "Senator Obama DOES NOT." Oh girl. Oh girllll. Right after that, he suggests that we shouldn't fight. Maybe the crowd drowning this speech out isn't hurting it as much as I thought. Long ago, something unusual happened to him that taught him the most important lesson of his life: Turns out that when your mother says your face will stick that way, she meant it.
No, just kidding. We're getting the loving play by play of his POW experience. I used to feel bad mocking this, but he's made it into such a joke by mentioning it as the answer to every issue that now it's just sad. If I can get serious here for a minute people: It really is sad that what's happened to him was turned into a running joke because he feels like it entitles him to the presidency. (Long pause, single shout of "You suck!" from the crowd)

Well, you can imagine what goes here: He got shot down, and when he wouldn't reveal where the plans for the Death Star were located, Darth Vader unleashed the spherical black torture-bot. Later, when Tarkin asked again where the plans were, McCain insinuated that he had body odor, and the Empire used the Death Star to blow up McCain's home planet. Then, thousands of years later in a galaxy far far away, I got really fucking bored listening to McCain mouth tired platitudes, not particuarlly well. Let's have mercy on everyone invovled and fast forward here.

Okay, here we go: If you don't like America, join the army. Bring bottled hot water to dehydrated babies. Teach an illiterate adult to read, even if his term ends in January. Now he wants us to FIGHT WITH HIM, all while forgetting that THE GOVERNMENT DOESN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Take that, big US government! You don't boss this high-ranking Senator around! McCain tries to go out on a high note, asking us to all fight with him so that we can thank god every day. Stand up y'all. He keeps going "sTAND UP," and the crowd's all still sitting, which looks a little weird. Thank you, God bless you, and free Kevin Mitnick. Cue some horrible country music song.

Final thoughts: That was, uh, really bad. His speech wandered around a bunch of different topics without ever really stringing them together, and the tone zig-zagged drunkely between being bi-partisan, condeming poisonous partisanship, and then taking bitchy shots at Obama. He also didn't deliver the speech very well, which is a given. Weird pauses, horrible smiles. The crowd, as I noted before, really hurt him, because it kept interrupting him, which made made the speech even more disjointed. It seems like someone put a bunch of talking points in a blender and hit "Puree" and that's what ended up on the teleprompter. Not good. Daily Kos sums it up better than I can: "And as John McCain's speech enters its 10th hour, it can be said that we've learned a lot tonight. He was a POW. He is a maverick."

BONUS CNN ANAYLIZATION MINI-BEACAP: Carly Fionoria needs to stay off my fucking TV. Isn't this the same woman who outsourced a ton of American jobs? They apparently "made this the anti-Obama speech", which I agree with. That's not a compliment. Candy Crowly is wearing bubblegum pink, and she looks like a gumball. She talks about McCain "reaching out byoned the TV lens" - into my living room??? Thanks for the nightmares. Jesus.
Okay, that's it. I'm going to bed. Hopefully we get this up before it's old news. Parker! I need pictures of spiderman!