February 9, 2006: Hindu Press Your Luck

By: The Next Mideon

Rob Conway: "Welcome to Hindu Press Your Luck, the gameshow where weird little gremlins are always after your money. It's just a thinly-veiled metaphor for the Jews. The whole damn world wants to avoid the Whammy... BUT THEY WON"T!!!!11 Having been around the world, I, The Con Man, was the perfect choice to host this show from Bombay, India..."

Austin Aries: "I can make a bomb from some silly putty and an egg timer. That'll show them. That'll show them all. *fusses with beard*"

Rob Conway: "Hush up, Austin Aries! YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ME!"

Austin Aries: "Uh, yeah, I kind of do, actually."

Rob Conway: "Oh, okay. So let's meet our con-testants. First, hailing from Detroit, India... His hobbies include dancing around like gardening tools and not knowing how to wear a hat... It's Sonjay Dutt!"

Sonjay Dutt: "Excuse me, my friend, but do you remember when you convinced me to give you my sacred cow in exchange for these magic beans? Well, I'm starting to think that this is actually aquarium gravel."

Rob Conway: "All part of the magic, Sonjay Dutt. Secondly, from the most metrosexual corner of Michigan... His interests include filmmaking, loudly proclaiming his straightness, and also not knowing how to wear a hat... Here's Alex Shelley!"

@Lx Shelley: "See guys, the secret is to NOT hit the Whammies."

Aries and Strong: "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Rob Conway: "Haha, Alex Shelley, you are a trip. You know what kind of a trip you are. Finally, from Con-Ada... He likes fleeing in terror, washing his hands obsessively, and being afraid of hats... Meet Eric Young!"

Eric Young: "OH GOD WHAT MANNER OF CREATURES ARE THESE???"

Rob Conway: "Alright, you three know how the game works. Either win lots of money, or end up working in tech support your whole life! DUDE YOU'RE GETTIN' A DELL LOL"

Sonjay Dutt: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Eric Young: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

@Lx Shelley: "I supplement my income through eBay. Ask me how you can, too!"

Rob Conway: "I think I'm supposed to ask you questions at this point, but fuck it, time's a-wastin'. There are many girls I still have to get with. Eric Young, hit the thing and let's get on with our lives."

Big Board: "*blip bloop blop*"

Eric Young: "OH SHIT STAY BACK WHAMMIES TAKE THE MONEY TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT JUST DON'T HURT ME"

Rob Conway: "See, you have to actually depress the plunger, there..."

Roderick Strong: "I am SO depressed. We have to share yearbook photos because nobody likes us."

Austin Aries: "Let's cut ourselves to see if we still feel."

Rob Conway: "Christ. Alex, can you please ask your little gothy friends to leave?"

@Lx Shelley: "Yeah, the thing is, I really have no control over them. Con-trol."

Roderick Strong: "I wrote a poem comparing my ex-girlfriend to a Whammy."

Austin Aries: "That's deep, man."

Roderick Strong: "She broke not my back, but my HEART."

Rob Conway: "Sigh. Eric, just spin already."

Eric Young: "TOO MUCH PRESSURE STOP STOP STOP OH GOD WHY WON'T SOMEBODY MAKE IT STOP????? *nervous breakdown*"

Roderick Strong: "*breaky-breaky motion*"

Rob Conway: "Whatever. Shelley, go."

@Lx Shelley: "*pushes The Big Red Button with a weird, homosexual flourish*"

Big Board: "*blip bloop blork*"

Rob Conway: "Con-gratulations! You've won a rolltop desk!"

@Lx Shelley: "Pssh. That's going straight onto eBay. Bid with confidence."

Rob Conway: "I am possessed of a wealth of con-fidence. In fact, one might say that I am a con-fidence man. Regardless, it's your turn, Con-jay. Sonjay. Whoever."

Sonjay Dutt: "Very good, my friend! BIG RUPEES! BIG RUPEES! NO WHAMMIES! STOP!!!"

Big Board: "*blip bloop blarg*"

Brother Devon: "WHAZZZZZZZUP?!?!?!"

Sonjay Dutt: "AW VISHNU, IT'S A WHAMMY!""

Brother Raye: "DEEEEEEEVON!!!"

Brother Devon: "whut"

Brother Raye: "GET THE MONEY, GET THE MONEY!"

Brother Devon: "cha-ching"

Rob Conway: "SIM-SIM-SALA-BROKE!!! That Whammy reminds me of the dog from Jonny Quest, in that he just made out like a BANDIT! Haha, but seriously, we've got some lovely con-solation prizes..."

Austin Aries: "Hey Sonjay, would you like to carry more... BOMBS??? *fusses with beard*"

Sonjay Dutt: "I would like that more than anything else in the entire world, my friend."

Austin Aries: "Well, too bad! Because you're fresh out of Rupees!"

James Storm: "Haw haw! Good one, kid! Sorry 'bout yo' damn Hindu Press Yo' Luck!"

Sonjay Dutt: "James Storm? Why are you hanging around with The A.V. Club?"

James Storm: "I am buying alcoholic beverages for these underaged youths."

Roderick Strong: "WHOOOOOOO!!! SPRING BREAK!!!!! *breaky-breaky motion*"

Austin Aries: "God, I hate the school cafeteria. I hate it SO FUCKING MUCH"

Rob Conway: "Wait, how did The Con Man end up as The Straight Man in this thing, anyway? THAT DON'T SEEM LIKE ME!!!

The Bash Man: "Hey everybody, is this the studio where the Rob Conway Lookalike Competition is being held?"

James Storm: "Sorry, son. You're old hat."

Eric Young: "HAT?!?! WHERE?!?! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! *smashes through wall like some sort of Reverse Kool-Aid Man*"

D'Amoral Of D'Story:

Scott D'Amore: "Your guess is as good as mine. I'm going to go eat a pie."

Winner: Rod Roddy Strong

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