The Shopzone Fiasco -- PART 2!!!!!111
Well, just about a year's gone by, and with it, another year of Shopzone insanity. Keeping a close, watchful eye on the world, I felt it was time once again to rise from my pit of eternal slumber and forge for you one column that will hopefully define my work, as everything else I've done hasn't been very good. And that is, The Shopzone Fiasco.
This year, I started where I knew I could find true insanity, with Tazz's product descriptions. Unfortunately, Tazz no longer has any merchandise, due to the fact that Lawler jobbed him into announcer-dom. THX JERRY. So, for this installment, I just decided to go with a random spattering of superstars and their random spattering of merchandise, with random spatterings of words that the Shopzone composers seem to call "Product Descriptions," but I'm not so sure what they are.
"Kane Freak U Long-sleeve T-shirt
Freaks of the world unite! It's time to show the world your true colors in this university-style, comfortable tee. 'Freak U' on front; 'Big Freak'n Machine' on sleeve. Red."
Yeah, Freak U too, Kane. Apparently at Freak U, you learn how to not spell anything properly. And if you show this shirt to the world, you're obviously a moron, not a freak.
"D'Von Testify T-shirt
Listen up my children...raise your voices, wear this tee and 'Testify!' Black."
I really don't think I even need to make a joke about this one. I mean, just look at that Jesus Fish. AND WHY IS THE SHIRT 'BLACK'? RACISTS. Next.
"Undertaker Bobblehead
Keep bobbin`, bobbin`, bobbin`...Deadman Inc. invades the bobblehead world! These things are gonna fly out of here, so get yours early!"
They're obviously flying out of 'there' so fast, that they had to put this item on clearance. As evidenced by the fact that Undertaker hasn't used that music in about 2 years. As for the awful joke they made, I'm not even going to go there.
"WWE Psych Ward T-shirt
Are you a WWE addict? Is your family ready to have you committed for your fixation? Are you feeling The Worm? Well, it`s time to warn the whole world about your compulsion. Black."
If you're 'feeling the worm,' you really do deserve to be committed. Plus, I can't think of a single Sane person who'd be wearing this in public anyway.
"WWE Made in the USA T-shirt
The WWE scratch logo and Old Glory, two All-American symbols representing freedom, attitude and resilience. Now you can show your pride for both your country and it`s premier sports entertainment company with this patriotic WWE T-shirt. Black."
As opposed to the WCW logo and the Iraqi flag, which are obviously ONE AND THE SAME, if you follow this logic. I was going to insert a massive political commentary here, but I decided against it. Suffice to say, nothing says "I love America" like the WWE, where half their workforce is DIRTY FILTHY OH MY GOD HOW CAN THEY GET ANY MORE UN-AMERICAN Canadians.
"Hogan What'cha Gonna Do T-shirt
What`cha Gonna Do...in this tee, brother?! Red."
I'm going to run to the sink and vomit. Followed by taking my ceremonial dagger and gutting myself with it ritualistically. No. Just... no.
"Jeff Hardy Keychain
Made of PVC. 2 x 2 1/2 inches."
It seems that the Shopzone lackeys are finally realizing their own insanity and have stopped adding product descriptions. I really thought I had a joke for this one. But, no, it's just too retarded. Why is there a hyphen between 'imagi' and 'nation'? Is Jeff the "X-PANSIONIST" leader of his own imaginary country or something? That's really sick, Jeff. Get help. Seriously.
"Jeff Hardy Logo Visor
The perfect accessory to keep the sun out of your eyes when you're doing those high-flying moves. Lime green with puff embroidered logo. Sandwich brim with Jeff Hardy embroidered signature and Velcro strap. 100% brushed cotton twill."
There are so many words in there I never thought I'd see associated with a description for clothing. 'Sandwich brim'? 'puff embroidered logo'? I think I'd be more likely to eat this hat than wear it, according to that list of materials.
"Hurricane Mask
Just like Gregory Helms, all you would-be superheroes can keep your identity a secret with this duplicate of The Hurricane`s own mask. Plastic."
They just revealed the flaw of their own logic with their GIVING AWAY THE BUSINESS and revealing The Hurricane's Secret Identity in the description of a product supposedly intended to keep your identity a sceret. I have no intention of buying this now.
"RVD Dragon Skeleton T-Shirt
The yin-yang symbol is in perfect harmony with the sleek mystery of the dragon. Dragon skeleton art on front of shirt."
I don't know about perfect harmony, as I doubt that ugly dragon has any sense of Feng Shui. Let alone 'sleek mystery.'
"Rey Mysterio Mask
This stylish duplicate of Mysterio's mask honors the proud tradition of luche libre. Plastic."
TWO things that prove this nowhere near comes even close to honoring the tradition of lucha libre. One, that's HALF A MASK. Two, it's made out of plastic. If I were a real luchadore, I'd sue. Or get fat or something. Or fired.
"Rey Mysterio Skull Cap
Instill yourself with the power of the ancient Aztecs in this skull cap. Aztec logo design. Navy blue. 100% acrylic."
HAHAHA. You're kidding, right? This cannot be serious. Someone at Shopzone has to be having a good laugh over this one. Right? I certainly hope so. Jesus Christ, if they were serious...?
"Brock Throw Blanket
Comfortable, snugly throws are the perfect weight and size for taking to concerts, picnics, WWE live events, or just wrapping yourself up on the couch."
Just imagine yourself on a cold winter Monday night, tuning into RAW, and lazing back on the couch and snuggling up to... that. The WWE is gonna sell a lot of blankets.
And there you have it. I have nothing else to say, I'm horrified beyond all comprehension. Until next time, I'm Sofa, expose reporter.
