Aired In Olden Thymes
Rebeaker: TNM
Yeah, I'm too lazy to change the rebeak format. There is a longstanding tradition among Internet retards to review old, boring, pointless PPVs for no reason whatsoever. Today, I continue the trend. Here is my take on Slamboree '98, a tape from one of the NWO's 18 different heydays. It is way boring.
It's Slamboree 1998!!!!! We were LIVE about three and a half years ago from Worcester, Mass! NOMAH! Our hosts are Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, and Bobby Heenan's bowtie. I really miss Mike Tenay nowadays. Matches tonight include Randy Savage vs. Bret Hart with Rowdy Roddy Piper as special guest referee! Something about Sting, the Giant, and the Outsiders for the tag team championship. We are told that the Giant joined the NWO the previous week. Oh man, is this back when he was smoking all the time?
HAHA, YES. This is the one where Eric Bischoff issued a challenge to fight Vince McMahon. WCW ruled so much. Old Security Hillbilly Doug Delinger/Dillenger/Something is outside waiting for McMahon's arrival. HE'S GONNA COME FIGHT OMG! There's a full access pass with McMahon's face on it! Sign: "McMahon McSucks".
JERK THAT CURTAIN, BENOIT: The Rabid Mullet v. The Filthy Irishman
Benoit's hair isn't that weird or mullety, actually. Tenay calls Benoit and Finlay "mirror images". Huh. This is for the TV championship which Benoit could never, ever win. Some creepy monkey-like WCW mascot jumps around. Chryon spells it "Finley". Fit: "IRISH EYES ARE SMILIN'!"
I'm just going to hit the high points, because I don't think anybody really wants full play-by-play for a three hour PPV that is nearly 4 years old. Fit makes referee Nick Patrick take off his belt. CHOP by Benoit. Some security guy makes a couple of front row fans sit down, because showing enthusiasm was frowned upon in WCW. These are Benoit's leather crotch tights. Submission stuff. Tony talks about the NWO's inevitable breakup. He chops loud. Nice tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Benoit. There's the "yank him away from the ropes" spot that was in EVERY FINLAY MATCH EVER.
Finlay is so boring. Benoit fights out of a camel clutch to lift Finlay onto his shoulders. Drops him straight back. Tony Schiavone kind of reminds me of Fukui. I don't know why. Fit holds a headlock for about 26 minutes. Look at those gross guys in Giant onesies. Benoit hits Finlay with a chair, which apparently isn't a disqualification if you do it outside the ring. Jesus, Benoit dives through the ropes and catches the steel chair right in the head. I think it was a tope, but I'm very disappointed in Mike Tenay for not letting me know.
German suplexes! One! Two! Finlay garrotes him on the ropes to break it. Crossface NO Fit's got the ropes. Benoit with a snap suplex and the thumb across the throat. He wants the swandive headbutt, BUTWAIT here comes Booker T dressed in his finest duds. I think he just came from a power lunch. Benoit stares at Booker, obviously never having seen a black man in a tie before. OH JESUS, Finlay with a weird dropkick through the ropes! His boots just JACKED Benoit in the back of the head. Slowly rolls him inside, but Benoit comes back with an inside cradle! Two count. Fit's trying for the Tombstone piledriver... Boom. THAT'S HIS MOVE, TONY. 1, 2, 3.
I give this match 3 purple horseshoes and 2 green clovers.
Beardy Chris Jericho and horrible, horrible Lee Marshall are back at the "Internet location". Jericho's ready for the cruiserweight battle royal, MY FAVORITE FUCKING MATCH EVER. Seriously. "Conspiracy" is said.
NU-NU-NU WORLD ORDER: "BIG" Brian Adams (w/ VINCENT!!!) v. LEX LOSER ROOFLES
Adams put Rick Steiner in the hospital, I guess. Good for him. Bald Referee Scott Dickinson officiates. It's very sad how I still remember the refs' names. Lex knocks the two NWOites noggins together. Powerslam by Luger. SHITTY PILEDRIVER by Adams! Backbreaker across the knee. Torture Rack, and Adams submits. What a big suck. I give the match 1 Vincent, because the match contained 1 Vincent.
Saturn and his little hooded sweatshirt have a message for us backstage. There will be no gauntlet match tonight, and if the Flock don't like it, they can go sit on a tack. "WHAT ABOUT ME WHAT ABOUT SATURN". He's going to beat Goldberg tonight. Huh.
The Greatest Match Of All Time: LOSERWEIGHT (ROOFLES) battle royal
Penzer starts to announce the participants, but Chris Jericho and his notes interrupt. I will transcribe in full, because this is THE GREATEST MATCH EVER, in case I forgot to mention it.
Jericho: "Hold on, hold on! Hold on just one second here. David Penzer, you inintelligible(?), moronic, high-voiced, dweeb! You know nothing about the sport of pro wrestling, and you know nothing about these fine competitors coming out today. So I'm gonna do all the Jerichoholics a great favor. I'm gonna introduce all of the contestants in the Cruiserweight battle royal. And yes, ladies and gentlemen, one of these fine contestants will get a chance at the Cruiserweight belt. They'll never win it, but tonight you're gonna see a great match from a great competitor! Let's down, get down to the list here."
Super Calo: He breakdances. Jericho is wearing Prince Iaukea's little skirt, by the way."Comin' out first, from Sochimilko, Mexico... You notice this guy's hat NEVER comes off. He's the master of TRIK-TRAK, the master of DA FUNK, he is SUPER CALO! Look at those moves, ladies and gentlemen! He's got about a 1 in 10 chance of winning, maybe."
Chavo Guerrero Jr: Wearing his "Eddie Guerrero Is My Favorite Wrestler" shirt. "Coming out next, from El Paso, Mexico! This guy used to be a great bartender, but it hasn't translated to his wrestling skills. He's the scourge of the illustrious Guerrero family, he is Chavo Guerrero Jr! Maybe a 2 out of 10 chance of winning."
Ciclope: "Coming out next, from Mexico! This is a rags to riches story, from selling chimichangas on the streets to WCW! Ciclope!"
Damien: "Now we got Damien... He can't afford a mask, he's using paint! But sooner or later, he's gonna buy a mask, I guarantee you that!"
El Dandy: "Here we go! The winner of the Lou Ferrigno lookalike contest! This guy's also from Mexico, ELLLLL DAAANDYYY!"
El Grillo: "Coming out next, he's the World Welterlightfeatherweightpesa champion! He is EL GRILLO!"
Juventud Guerrera: "Now this guy pulled up in a nice rusted-out '68 El Camino Chevy! He's the UGLIEST man in our sport today! He's the illustrious Quasijuice Guerrera!"
Marty Jannetty(!): "A former champion in many countries, he's gonna rock rock 'til he drops, rock rock never stop, MARTY JANNETTY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!"
Kidman: I miss itchy Kidman. "Coming up next, from Allentown, PA! He is a lost and lonely soul, his name is Kidman! And Kidman, I got some calamine lotion for you after the show."
Evan Karagias: "This guy's the true SHOOTER of WCW! Does he have a chance? 0 out of 10, no way. He's Evan Karagias, ladies and gents."
Lenny Lane: "OH YAH, straight from Minneapolis, Minnesota, OH YAH! I want my Lover tape... Loverboy tape back, Lenny Lane!"
Psychosis: "And of course we got Psychosees... He's gotta lotta hubcaps in his collection. If you need one, he'll procure you one for you after the show."
Silver King: "This guy is Silver King! If he wins 12 more matches, he'll be upgraded to Golden King."
Johnny Swinger: "This guy is Johnny... Singer? Johnny Swinger? Have you ever heard of this guy? I haven't. 0 out of 10 chance of winning, no chance."
Villano IV: "And last but last least,(?) representing Villanos 1 through 62! From the illustrious Villano family, he is VILLANO... FOUR!!! Ladies and gentleman, those are your contestants in tonight's battle royal. I'm going to the back for a coffee, 'cause none of these guys will EVER, EVER beat me for my belt."
Awesome. A whole bunch of jobber craziness ensues. I must point out that Lenny Lane is dressed very, very much like a Panty Pal. Kidman puts OUTRAGEOUS Evan Karagias out. Chavo dumps Johnny Swinger. Jericho and his coffee watch from backstage. Chavo tornado DDTs Silver King! Damien comes off the top with a headscissors on El Grillo. Juvi dropkicks Super Calo out. Lenny Lane does the same to Silver King.
El Dandy el tosses El Grillo. Lenny misses a twisting senton. Dandy puts Jannetty out, and the Villano is eliminated by Damien. Kidman and Lenny had cut a deal, but then Kidman eliminates him from behind because KIDMAN RULES. Damien walks the ropes OLD SKOOL, but Psychosis crotches him and Juvi knocks him out with a springboard dropkick! Chavo puts Dandy out with a dropkick of his own. Kidman eliminates Chavo! The final four are Kidman, Ciclope, Juvi, and Psychosis.
Hahaha, Psychosis stupidly eliminates himself. The spot was AWFUL. Juvi dumps Kidman out with a bodyscissors. Now Juventud and Ciclope go eyes to eye. Handshake, then Juvi leaps over the top rope, eliminating himself! Jericho runs out to start the title match, just before Ciclope unmasks to reveal the "retired" DEAN MALENKO!!! Malenko goes OFF on Jericho. Hahahaha. SO awesome.
I love this feud: I love Chris Jericho v. I love Dean Malenko
Dean, dressed like some sort of freakishly mutated pumpkin, insanely stomps away on Jericho. Dropkick! Leg lariat! Jericho finally takes control with a HARD hotshot across the top rope. C'MON BABY gets two. Lionsault! 1, 2, NO!!! I guess that wasn't really his finisher, because nobody cares that Malenko kicked out. Dean reverses the Liontamer into an anklelock. Back elbow off the top rope by Jericho.
MALENKO WITH THE FIREMAN'S CARRY GUTBUSTER OFF THE TOP ROPE!!! I fucking love that move. Texas Cloverleaf! Jericho's crawling... Malenko pulls him back! JERICHO TAPS! Dean holds up the Cruiserweight title and says "this is for you" to his Dead Daddy. Dead Daddy Feud = BEST FEUD EVER. On the next Nitro, Jericho would find a loophole and get the title back. Stupidly booked, that. I am like Scott Keith today. I give the battle royal 10 out of 10 Racist Mexican Jokes, and the title match 6 out of 7 Glass Ceilings.
Here's a look at the VINNIE MAC CAM! VINCE MCMAHON IS COMING TO FIGHT ERIC BISCHOFF MAHGAWD! A white limousine is arriving. HAHAHAHA, Schiavone with the cheap shot. "If Jim Ross jumps out and carries his bags, you know that it's Vince." They conclude that it's not McMahon in the limo.
SELF HI FIVE: Dirty Dallas Page (w/ long, dirty hair) v. Raven Back When He Didn't Suck
This is a BOWERY DEATHMATCH in a cage. DDP climbs around like a monkey. He goes on top of the cage and poses. There are trash cans hanging from the cage. Hahaha, Raven has the riot squad to protect him. Tony, on Raven: "Probably some rich kid who didn't get his way one day." SCHIAVONE IS PROPHETIC! The competitors brawl for awhile. "Second Class" Billy Silverman is YOUR referee. DDP's head gets slammed into a garbage can.
Page slammed into the side of the cage. And again. Raven spends 10 minutes trying to unhook a trash can. He attacks with a bullrope, but DDP beats his ass. Page loops the rope around Raven's neck. Choking him with it, then using it to fling him into the sides of the cage. He drapes one end of the bullrope over the top of the cage and hangs Raven for awhile. I guess the loser is whoever can't answer a 10 count. Raven's up at 8. VCR TO THE HEAD! Hahaha. Weak "E-C-DUB" chant.
DDP gets shoved back into another trash can. More can shots. Raven's got a cookie sheet. WHACK. WHACK. WHACK. And so on. Steel chair set up in the middle of the ring. DDP fights off the drop toehold, but Raven cinches in a sleeper. Page breaks it by slamming back into a trash can, knocking out both Raven and the ref. RAVEN takes the drop toehold onto the chair. OHNO IT'S THE FLOCK! The riot guards try to stop them, but REESE shoves them away. RVD's close personal friend Scotty Riggs has bolt cutters. They're going in the cage.
Van Hammer appears from under the ring and hits everybody in The Flock with a stop sign. I guess he was thrown out, or something. Whatever. He handcuffs Reese to the guardrail before the riot squad makes him leave. Back in the ring, it's a brawl. Two members of the riot squad attack DDP! It's Kidman and Horace. Horace accidentally gets hit with a stop sign by Kidman. Dipshits. Diamond Cutter for Horace! Kidman swings around on the top of the cage... Diamond Cuttered down! Eww, Cuttered. Hahaha, Raven tried to spray DDP with the fire extinguisher, but it didn't work. So he just hits him in the stomach with it. EVENFLOW!
But DDP gets up! Diamond Cutter NO, crotch hits YES. RAVEN lands his own Diamond Cutter! Still page gets up. He Diamond Cutters Raven! Both men are down, and the count is on. Page is up by 10, but Raven is not. DDP is YOUR Dirty Bowery Deathmatch winner. He crawls around in the crowd. Wait, another riot guard is doing some crap. He handcuffs the remaining Flock members to the cage. He slams Raven into the cage! Now both of Raven's arms are handcuffed to the cage. WHO IS THAT MASKED MAN? OMG IT'S MORTIS! We haven't seen Mortis for months, apparently! I guess this is the first time Kanyon ever unmasks to show his beautiful face. SICK FUCKING CHAIRSHOT to the head of a helpless Raven. And off goes Kanyon. The Match gets 3 Gay Neighbors and 8 Photos of Roddy Piper In a Closet.
Back to the VINNIE MAC CAM! Somebody's holding a flyer with pictures of Vince, Stone Cold, X-Pac, and DX. They have black and white cameras all over the building to look for him. So retarded.
Saturn is at the "Internet location" with Lee Marshall. He says he's going to beat Goldberg again. Huh.
The announcers talk some assorted bullshit while the cage is removed.
Sweet Ass: Ultimo Dragon v. Eddie Guerrero is my favorite drunkard
Chavo Jr. is Eddie's SLAVE, and he gets his freedom if Ultimo wins. Guerrero grabs some fan's "FREE AT LAST" sign and tears it up. Eddie pats his own ass. He and Ultimo exchange flippy armdrags. Submission holds are traded until Dragon snapmares Guerrero. Eddie complains that his hair was pulled.
The two wrestlers work themselves into a very homosexual position. They lock fingers and do this sweet set of rolling monkey flips. Eddie's dropkick puts Ultimo down. Guerrero ends up rolling outside after Ultimo Dragon kicks his ass. Snapmare, and some hard spine kicks. Dragon with a half-crab, then a weird Indian deathlock-type thing. Eddie comes back with a thumb to the eye. HARD clothesline by Guerrero.
Dragon tossed outside. He's being choked with an electrical cable. SLAPS for Chavo. Eddie rules. Asai moonsault by Ultimo! Chavo fans him with his towel. Holy Christ. Dragon looked like he was going for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but he holds Eddie behind his head in a weird torture rack and drops him down across his shoulders. Schiavone calls it "a crucifix Samoan drop", although it was nothing like that at all. Moonsault off the top rope! 1, 2, NO Eddie kicks out.
Tornado DDT by Guerrero! Frog Splash, but NOBODY'S HOME! Dragon with La Magistral, 1, 2, no. He moonsaults behind Eddie and locks in the Dragon Sleeper!!! Guerrero uses the ropes to reverse to his own Dragon Sleeper! Feet on the ropes for leverage, but Chavo shoves them off! Eddie paintbrushes his nephew a few times. Ultimo up from behind... NO, Eddie ducks, and Chavo gets DRILLED off the apron with a spinning heel kick! Brainbuster! FROG SPLASH! Three count for Eddie. Chavo comes back in and shoves Eddie off. He puts the boots to Ultimo! Eddie stops him. He wants a kiss. SMOOCH! AWW! 3 out of 5 Incestuous Kisses.
Backstage, Vince McMahon has his own dressing room.
OHNO SIRENS PLZ SND HLP: Saturn Back When He Didn't Suck v. Golbat
ROAR SPARKS SHAKE YOUR HEAD FOR NO REASON. SLAP YOURSELF. Goldberg is a moron. He's the U.S. Champion and 87-0 at this point, I think. Bulldog takeover by Goldberg. Clothesline. Big press slam into a powerslam. Now Goldberg presses Saturn and just drops him. Saturn rolls outside and ambushes his opponent when he comes back in. Goldberg with an incredibly shitty mule kick. Legsweep by Saturn. This is boring. Saturn slaps Goldberg and he goes nuts.
Goldberg accidentally punches the ringpost. Jackass. Saturn with a dropkick off the apron. Spin kick off the top rope! Normal spin kick, and a chinlock. Goldberg fights out. He hits a belly-to-belly suplex! Saturn comes back with a swinging neckbreaker. T-Bone suplex. Saturn's got a chair. SOOPERKICK totally misses. The chair is set up, and Saturn uses it to spring off with a dropkick. He does the same thing again, but Goldberg spears him. Jackhammer. 1, 2, 3. ROWARR! Sign: "GOLDBERG IS UNSTOPABLE". Jesus, Goldberg crushed the chair when he did his stupid post-spear leap. I give it 1 Anti-Goldberg Mobile and 1 Snowshovel.
Great Amamrican Bash promo features Raven bitching about how he never played baseball or ate hot dogs and apple pie. Good for you, Raven.
So retarded: EZE v. VINCE MCMAHON IS GOING TO COME TO THIS WCW PPV AND FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE
Buffer announces. Bischoff shadowboxes. Hahaha. He has a first degree blackbelt in Karate! Buffer: "And now let's welcome to the ring a man who considers himself to be the most important star of WWF. Weighing an estimated 265 pounds, from Stamford, Connecticut, ladies and gentlemen, here is the chief executive officer of Titan Sports, Mr. Vincent K. McMahon!" A bunch of smoke billows out, but that's it. Maybe RVD is back there. Bischoff rings the bell and counts McMahon out. ERIC BISCHOFF WINS! HE IS THE GREATEST WRESTLING PROMOTER OF ALL TIME, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE'S PROBABLY SELLING WHOPPERS WITH CHEESE RIGHT ABOUT NOW! Schiavone: "I'LL TAKE THE TUNA". The match gets a rating of 1 FUCKING HORRIBLE PROMOTER.
Bret Hart has the worst music ever: The Best There Ever Was (AT BITCHING) v. THE MADNESS
Buffer calls this "A GRUDGE MATCH FROM HELL". Heh, Buffer doesn't even know his last name. "The Hitman, BREEEEETTTTT.... *silence*" I wonder if this was before or after he called him Clark. Roddy Piper is the guest referee. He wears an awful Taz shirt. Randy Savage is NWO Wolfpac 4-LAHF, I guess. Bret doesn't want to get in the ring, so Piper bodily forces him in. "Bodily" is a retarded word. Kicks and punches. Hart shoves Piper, and Piper shoves back. This is awful. I'm fast-forwarding. Bret tries to clobber Macho with the stairs but he misses. HE PICKED THEM UP! THOSE STAIRS WEIGH 400 POUNDS, EASY! I thought only Kane could do that.
Schiavone calls these two "THE FINEST ATHLETES IN THE WORLD". They brawl into the crowd. Bret attacks the knee. Piledriver by Hart. 1, 2, no. DDT. Flips off some guy. Macho fights back to land the Flying Elbow! But he can't cover because the move hurt his knee for some reason. He finally tries the pin... 1, 2, NO! Hart gains control and locks in the Sharpshooter. OMG HERE COMES MISS ELIZABETH FOR SOME REASON. Savage reverses the Sharpshooter into one of his own, but Hart gets the ropes. Elizabeth in to shove Piper. For some reason. Piper and Savage shove each other.
Crotch hits by Hart. And he hits Piper. For some reason. HART HAD THE KNUX OHNO. Savage gets them while Hart prays. Here comes Hogan to slam Macho's knee in the ringpost. Whatever. Piper didn't see it, and here's the Sharpshooter. Savage taps. I give this match 2 run-ins, because it had 2 run-ins and also it fucking sucked. Bret spits on Savage because he really must like to spit on people. Tony calls Bret an "IMPACT PLAYER". Hogan CRAWLS AWAY DOWN THE AISLE, which is ridiculously hilarious.
Some stupid crap: Hall and Oates and Nash v. BIG NASTY BASTARD and That Guy From The Nightmare Room
LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE LIKE DAVID ARQUETTE. Dusty Rhodes is hanging out with the Outsiders for some fucking asinine reason. I like that part of the NWO music where it goes "DUDU DUUU DU DUUUUU". "HEY YO HERE'S A SURVEY IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE FEUD, LOUIE ANDERSON". The referee is that dead one. Sorry, I forgot his name. Mark/Brian Curtis? Something like that. The Giant is not smoking, and I'm sad. He's no more fat than he is in the WWF. Sting and the Giant do not get along, you know.
TOOTHPICK FLICK! Sting crotch chops. Chokeslam by Hall! HAHA, he does that staggering Giant/Frankenstein taunt. Really, that's the only worthwhile thing Scott Hall brings to the table. Unless you count all the DRUGS AND ALCOHOL he brings to the table. I AM COMEDY KING. Two Stinger Splashes. Already going for the Scorpion Deathlock, but Big Lazy lazes his way over to break it. The Giant and Nash come in. Nash already tries the Jacknife powerbomb because he is a retard. Are there two k's in Jacknife? Eh.
Giant does a stupid ear cup. Rumpbumps in the corner. Hip wiggle. Ugh. Giant squats and pulls on Nash's hair. For some reason. Sting in, and he eats a Big Lazy Boot. Fallaway slam by Hall. 1, 2, feet on the ropes for leverage, no. Discus punch. Some stuff happens, and Sting plays FACE IN PERIL. Like on Nick Jr. Big Lazy Side Salto and a Big Lazy Bearhug. Sting with EARCLAPS! He gets the hott, hott tag and the Giant goes nuts. He bodyslams Nash. Jesus Lord, the Giant's going to the top rope. Big splash attempt misses.
Nash's straps come down. He's going for the powerbomb, but Hall grabs a title belt and hits his partner because WCW is stupid. The Giant pins... 1, 2, 3. WHAT AN ENDING, FANS! Hall and the Giant hug. Dusty and the Giant hug. They invite Sting in (TO HUG, PRESUMABLY), but he is dubious. The fans throw garbage. SEND 'EM HOME HAPPY. Giant spits all over as he says "Sting". And we're out.
Final thoughts: I should have stopped after the first hour.