My brand new life-partner "Samoa" Joe was recently acquired by Total Nonstop Impact. But because TNA pays their wrestlers in friendly handshakes, he still works down at the docks busting mussels for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Samoa" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he hates you, and because I gave him five Samoleons, "Samoa" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from movie stars and headshrinkers!!!

-Chris Harris' softball team, the Wildcats, recently won the league championship by defeating their arch-rivals, the Wildcats.

-The boys in Samoa are sayin' that A.J. Styles wears the hoodie so that the manager of the Starbucks at which he works won't recognize him. A Matt Striker situation.

-Mike Tenay is putting the finishing touches on his new single, a cover of Dr. Dre's "Bitches Ain't Shit."

-Elix Skipper stopped volunteering with Habitant For Humanity when some homeless ingrate totally forgot who built his house.

-Sour Cream 'N Onion is Shark Boy's favorite flavor of ass.

-Petey Williams' diminutive stature allows him to earn extra beaver nickels as a jockey in the famous Canadian Moose Races.

-Word in Samoa is that Spike TV censors are looking to change Ron Killings' name to something a little more family-friendly, like Ron Injurings or Ron Roughousings or Ron "Gentle" Huggins.

-In other K-Kwik news, because I know you can't get enough K-Kwik news, Ron "The Truth" Killings is in talks to wrestle a blockbuster interpromotional match with the WWE's Rob Conway.

-Samoan sources say that Shocker's monkey was confiscated at the border and beaten like a pinata.

-The Fallen Angel purchased a medic alert bracelet to protect his brittle, brittle hips during those instances when he cannot get up.

-Abyss was denied entry into John Cena's Chain Gang with a scathing battle rap that included the rhymes "what a diss," "take a piss," and "men to kiss."

-Monty Brown will not use his powerful sense of smell to locate clues unless you feed him some Serengeti Snax.

HEY LADIES WHAT'S SHAKIN'??? You're main man Test is back with some IMPROTANT INFORMATION so stop stuffing yuor face with RICED CRISPY TREATS for five fucking seconds and take heed, fatbody. All of you negros who carpetbaged it down to New Orlanes and LOOTED A TELEVISHION shirley know by now that WWE RAW, the show that I (TEST) built from the GROUND-UP with nothing more than a can of PLAY-DOUGH and some LEGOS and the quick-bonding adheesive known as MY SEAMEN (HEY LADIES IT COMES IN A REALLY BIG TUBE ORDER YOURS TODAY) is about too go back to the USA Network!!! This is a move to which I am oposed (DAMN OPOSED) because I am an AUNTIE-AMERICAN!!! I CANNOT BELEIVE THE MENTALITY OF TEH USA NETWORK. It is the network of bein' rude and ignorant and shut up. I got so fuckin' pissed when they gave that dirty Italion from Wings his own programme (TONEY SHALHOOB MORE LIKE "TONEY'S A BOOB!!!") that i tried to BIG BOOT MY TELLYVISION but I AIMED TOO HIGH and broke some PRESCIOUS MOMENTS FIGUREINES and my mom supermodal girlfriend whom I cheat on was like "ANDREW, YOU'S ABOUT TO CATCH A WHUPPIN'!"

SO ANYWAYS, I also have BEEF with the USA Newtwork because I once pitched them a brillient idea for a sitchuational comedy called "ANDREW MARTIN" in which I (TEST) would play the titel charicter whose always shouting "DAYOM GEENA LETS GET BIZZAY!!!" But I guess the JEWS don't want to see a posative protrayal of a white man on the tellamavisions so WHATEVER!!! Reguardless, It is my deerest wish to stop teh WWE from making the tragick error of going to that losar station. Perhaps if I suckseed Vince Mackman will invite me back WITH OPEN ARMS and throw a big partey with a banner that reads "WELCUM BACK TEST" and Steffanie Mackman will POP OUT OF A CAKE SHE WAS EATING IN THE NUDE!!!!! Shit yeah. I was going to start a partishion but I didn't know how too spell pertisshun so I e-maled Lance Storm all like "HOW DO U SPELL PERTARTION?" and he said "P-E-T-I-T..." but then I yelled "HAHA, TIT!" and kind of lost intrest. So I leave it in teh sticky hands of YUO, the fat virgins who poppulate these Intranets, to take actshawn and keep RAW on the Lifetime Network or wherever the fuck is currently is I don't know I live in Canada what do you want from me. Go on STRIKE if you have to. YOU ARE THE UNION HUUUUH!!!!! I will now detale the reasons why this move is BAD and WRONG so that you will be INTREEGUED and possably subscribe to my PAMPLET. I wanted it too have pictures of NAKED LADIES but I didn't have any available so I used pictures of PUPPIES IN A BASKET. NOT THE LAWLER KIND

BY TEST, AGE 29

10. Their gonna have a show called "HOMECUMMING" but now I find out taht there are NO CUMSHOTS INVOLVED YOU CAN BET THAT I CALLED MY CABLE OPERATER AND COMPLAINED ABOUT THAT ONE, BUDDEY BOY. What the fuck kind of name is Homecumming anyway? I didnt even go to my own Homecumming because I was too busy winning teh Big Canadian Football Game while simaltaneusly having sex under the bleechers with eight cheerleaders at once. Yes I can be in two places at the same time because my penis is so large that it defies logic. Then there was teh big Homecumming Parade where all the girls in my school got naked and started making out with each other atop a big fallic float that was supposed to cymbalize my LEGENDARY LIBIDO. It reminds me of the SADEY HAWKINGS DAY DANCE when the girlies were throwing their panties at me all like "OOH TEST CUM 2 THE DANCE W/ ME" and Suzie Owens was all "HEY TEST CUM OVER 2 MY PLACE MY PARENTS ARE OOT OF TOWN" but I was like "YEAH I KNOW I'M ALSO OOT OF TOWN BECUASE I'M FUCKING YOUR MOTHER." Now I forgot what I was talking aboot

9. They say a bunch of legends are gonna be in attendence but these legends are more like LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE if you ask me the Silver Snakes would not go very far in this day and age. HERE IS A LIST:

The Faboolous Mooluh - Fucked her.

SOME INJUN - GO BACK TO TORONTO, TONTO

Harley Race - WHO IS THIS

"Supertramp" Jimmy Snooka - Feeji where the fuck is feeji that's not a country its the name of a poodle

Billy Graham - I LIKE HIS CRACKERS BUT THEN AGAYNE I LIKE ALL CRACKERS HAHA LITTLE HUMOUR THERE

Greg "The Hammer" Valantine - I'VE GOT A HAMMER IN MY PANTS and all you need to know about Valentien's is right here, my friend

"Roddy" Rowdy Piper - FAGGOT IN A SKIRT

Hillbilly Jim - Would have had sex with his cousin except that I got to her first SLOPPY SECONDS

Niktika Volkswagenoff - MORE LIKE NAKEETA JACKOFF RUSSIANS CAN'T AFFORD TOILET PAPER THEY DON'T WIPE IT'S GROSS

"Hax0r" Jim Duggan - "HOOOOOO" don't talk about yuor mom like that LOL

Cocoa B. Where? - MORE LIKE COCOA BE BLACK HE ATE HIS PARROT BECUASE THEY LOVE THE FRIED CHICKEN

Iron Sheek - JUST ANOTHER TOWELHEAD SMOKIN' TOWEL IN HIS TOWELPIPE

May Young - Fucked her.

Jimmy Heart - Fucked him.

8. EDGE AND MATT HARDY IN A LOSAR LEAVES RAWR LADDER MATCH WTF PLAJERIZM I INVENTED THE LADDER IN 1985 AS A MEANS TO CLIMB IN GIRLS' WINDOWS AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM!!! You can bet that my laywers are currently speeding towards Titan Towars in a laywermobile of some sort. I GUESS TWO PEOPLE WILL BE LEAVING RAW BECUASE THEIR BOTH LOOSERS IN TEST'S BOOK. It's a teachers addition with all the answers in the back. Edge is gonna loose and then I'll swoop in all like "HEY LEETA NICE TATOO THAT MUST HAVE HURT IF YOU EVER WANNA GET ANOTHER ONE I'LL LET YOU BITE DOWN ON MY DICK."

7. Eric Bitschtoff as Number One Contendar need I say more??? The only karatey he knows is how to put his penis in a kung-fu grip!!!!!!

6. Teh USA Notework is very raceist and I would know becuase I hate all races equalley! The big USA head honcho (UNCLE SAM) made Vince fire Mohammard Hussan who didn't even do nothin' wrong he was was just a small-town brown boy tryin' to make ends meet! Right before Rammadan too!!! That's a big festivul where all the ragweeds get together down at the Rammadan Inn to save the Rammadan for their mammadan and they put on blindfolds and spin around like Pin The Tale On The Donkey and then they pray in whatever direcshun they end up facing. Don't worry, Merhammad, you can come over to my place for Rammerdan, we'll drink wine coolers, it'll be great.

5. YEAH I HOPE YOU ENJOY DOG SHOW PRE-EMPSHUN YOU BIG FRUITS HAVE A BOX OF KLEENECKS HANDY IN CASE YOU GET MOVED TO TEARS BY THE PAGENTRY OF PRISILLA THE POOFY POMERANIAN!!!!! I acshually like the dog show because it gives me a reeson to say "I haven't seen this many bitches in heat since my last slumber party!!!" THAT JOKE GETS FUNNIER EVERY TIME I TELL IT IS A SCIENTIFICAL FACT

4. OH YEAH I FORGET ABOUT THE U.S. OPEN THAT IS THE WORST OPEN EVER THE ONLY OPEN TEST IS INTERESTED IN IS WHEN HOT BABES' LEGS OPEN BECUASE THAT IS WHERE THE VAGINA IS LOCATED

3. Handycap bra and panties match???? Man if I wanted to see some crippled chicks tits I'd go to my grandma's house. How am I supposed to tap that booty if their in a wheelchair it doesnt make cents to me

2. Steve Austin is a stupid doush who once stunnared Stacey and later I wanted to "do the deed" with her but she was like "Ow, my neck hurts" so I said "Who cares, it's not like I'm going to be sticking my dick in your neck." I tried that once and it proved to be unfeesable. Auistin is a DINASORE from ANOTHER GENNERATION when you could drink a MARTINI OVER LUNCH and CHASE YOUR SEXRETARY AROUND THE DESK ON AN ALL-TERRANE VEHICAL. That reminds me that any hot chicks who want to try my patented con-COCK-shun, the "Andrew Martini," should call me up. It's three parts Labatt Blue and one part good lovin'. Without spoiling anything, it involves an olive on teh end of my cock. ANYHOW!!! Austin needs to learn that the dudes who get all the pussy nowadays are the metrosexsuals with beautiful hair like YOURS TRUELY. What you wanna do is pratend to be sensitive (YOU'LL BE TEMPTED TO YELL "MY DICK IS SENSATIVE!!!" BUT FIGHT THAT URGE) so that the broads are all like "BOO HOO, MY BOYFREIND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME" and then you say "THERE THERE BABEY, HERE IS A SHOULDER TO CRY ON" and sometimes they accidently brush their boobs up agaynest you, FUCK YES!!! But anyways The Rattlesnake yeah right I once tried to play Metal Gear Solid but I couldnt get thruogh it because I kept shouting "I GOT A SOLID SNAKE IN MY PANTS!" WHY BEAT ON WOMEN WHEN YOU CAN BEAT OFF ON WOMEN THAT'S THE WAY TEST SEES IT FOLKS.

1. FUCK HULK HOGAN "HOGAN KNOWS BEST" YEAH RIGHT HOGAN DOESN'T KNOW TEST!!!! USA rejected my second proposel for a show intitled "Test Knows Breast" in which I go around touching breasts. BUT ANYWHO, Hogan's just some old cockknocker who can't hear nothing and he stole my patented finnisher THE BIG BOOT and I want to hit him in teh dick with a hockey stick. I'll fucking do it, to, dont think I wont. Just as soon as Hogan starts posing all like "EH, WHAT'S THAT? SPEAK UP, SONNEY" your gonna hear my music hit. I AM AN UN-A-MER-ICAN, FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF CHRIS-TI-AN, I AM AN UN-A-MER-ICAN, FIGHT FOR WHAT'S WHITE, HAVE SEX WITH YUOR WIFE!!! Then comes the fifty minute guitar solo.

NOW YUO SEE THAT I AM RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG, SO GET CRACKING, MINIONS. Chain yourself to the Learning Tree or whatever. Hopefully people can still read this even though I got buried under the avalanch of flab known as Samoan Joe or whoever the fuck that guy up there is. I think he better get "Samoa" that deoderent becuase colored people have a powerful stench about them. The Headshrinkers had it all wrong if you ask me because you are supposed to MAXAMIZE the amount of head that is given to you. ANYTHING, this grass roots campagne is going to work even bettar than the time a wrote a skathing letter about the cansellation of You Can't Do That On Television, a fine Canadian programme. TEST CONTROLS THE AIRWAVES becuase I am A NEELSON FAMILY in that I once rented THE NAKED GUN but I forgot to return it and the fat lesbo video clerk kept hassling me so I was like "NO HABLO CANADIAN" but then I hatched a MASTER PLAN to wear a trenchcoat and a fake beard and sneak the movie back onto the shelf but I got lost and ended up in teh porno section. Also, I have a Naked Gun IN MY PANTS.