My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Breaking news! Reliable sources tell me that Luther Reigns has had peas before!

-Kurt Angle may cease to be the WWE's only gold medalist after Eugene competes next year in the Special Olympics' Coloring Competition!

-Rumor has it that Lita's bagdog may have played some part in her miscarriage. Jealousy.

-The next three additions to Bradshaw's illustrious Velocity Cabinet will be Secretary of the Interior Design Rico, Famous Movie Star Turned Politician Akio, and a delightful Precious Moments figurine.

-I hear Eric Bischoff is enjoying his vacation thanks in large part to a cabana boy named Enrique.

-Jon Heidenreich's psychiatrist reports that his patient sees Hitler in every inkblot on the Rorschach Test.

-Maven plans to denote his newfound evilness by spiking his eyebrows into little devil horns.

-A young Gene Snitsky once kicked a baby so high it got stuck on the roof! He and his friends didn't have any fun THAT recess!

-Don't forget to buy Carlito's associate a birthday cake on December 25th!

-The boys in the back are saying that Shannon Moore is actually a hand puppet.

-Viscera earned his latest WWE contract by successfully finishing the Big Texan. Take that, Klondike Bill!

-Klondike Bill was Bill Demott.

Five-time, five-time, etc. To celebrate Weekly Visitor's anniversary/International Retard Day, I bring you the fifth installment in the Choose Your Own Adventure line. I guarantee that it will offend you regardless of your race, religion, or preference for sexy men! If not, your next dinner is on me. Physically on me. Hot. Fill up the tank and switch to that Christian rock station you like, because it's time for something I like to call: