My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Mark Jindrak once got busy in a Burger King bathroom. Busy scrubbing the urinals.

-Sources report that Buh Buh Ray Dudley CAN believe it's not butter and will loudly tell you so at every opportunity.

-As soon as the sonogram turned out the way that he wanted, Jerry Lawler asked Lita's unborn baby out for drinks.

-I'm told Eddie Guerrero missed several house show appearances because he was suffering from wasted motion sickness.

-Tyson Tomko's least favorite cereal is Kix.

-Some say Ric Flair's victory in Evolution's recent Yahtzee tournament was achieved through underhanded tactics.

-William Regal has written numerous letters imploring the Snapple company to use more urine. It's The Best Stuff On Earth.

-Kenzo Suzuki would have had his baby booties bronzed, but you're not allowed to wear shoes in Japan.

-In a related story, it turns out that the heat between Suzuki and Billy Gunn stemmed from an argument about which metal is the best. Gunn's a brass man. Whoa-oh, he's a brass man.

-Batista's grandfather invented the tampon.

-The boys in the back tell me that Bradshaw earned his first million selling Beanie Babies on eBay.

-Eugene is retarded.

If you're like any red-blooded, North American male, and you are, because women and foreigners and Vulcans don't visit this site, then you've invariably thought to yourself, "Hey, what if all the jobbers from Velocity were infants for some reason? Could they beat the Muppet Babies in a no-holds-barred deathmatch?" Then you'd wander all around the towns of North Pekin and Marquette Heights, Illinois singing "Velocibabies, we make your dreams come true!" to yourself even though that's not even the correct lyric. And then you would see a Mushroom, but you'd refrain from Stomping it. Because that would be cruel to fungi.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm fucking insane. This would have worked much better as a comic, but I have no talent of any sort. So for all those reasons (and more!), I bring you:

That's a John Cena "rhyme", but so was "Rumble In The Jungle", as Michael Ian Black pointed out so astutely. Like Josh Mathews, he is on the shortlist of effeminate men I'd marry. Speaking of which...

Competitor:
Name:	Kermit The Frog	Josh Mathews
Height:	Two feet	Two feet
Weight:	Whatever felt weighs	Loserweight
Mayor Of:	Some fucking swamp somewhere	Stratford, CT
Finisher:	Five-Star Frog Splash	The Shout Really Loudly
Favorite Color:	Green	Shades of Poker Face
Favorite Movie:	The one with all the puppets	Metrosexuals Take Manhattan
Favorite Song:	"The Rainbow Connection"	"It's Rainin' Men"
Favorite Dance:	Frere-Jacques dance	Conga!
Musical Instrument Of Choice:	Banjo	Recorder
Naval Service?	Yes	Loves sailors
Ascot?	Yes	When the mood strikes him
Who Would He Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Luke Skywalker	An Ewok

Final Analysis: Is that Stat Boy? You were supposed to wed ME, Mathews! ME!!! You can tell that's an unhappy marriage from their steadfast refusal to smile, however. Total divorce. And then I'll swoop right in to catch Josh on the Smackdown Rebound. If there's one thing I learned studying at the feet of Boobermonkeys, it's "Always make them think you're gay."

This match would begin with Josh Mathews eating a lot of Nanny's sugary snacks and running around the Muppet Babies nursery like a mental patient. "HAHA! YEAH!!!" he would shout. It is at this point that Kermit whips out his top-of-the-line, limited-edition, Kermit the Frog gentleman's watch. Lured in by the siren song of such shiny bling-bling, young Josh falls victim to a hurricanrana. Baby Kermit ascends his rocking horse to sound the death knell, or, if you're Tazz, death nail. But what's this? Josh Mathews produces some Sliders from his fanny pack! Eating White Castle hamburgers makes his puny arms burst with huge, Popeye-style muscles! Josh catches Kermit's frog splash and hefts him into a gorilla press because he's as strong a bull or an ox or some other beast of burden!

Things look bleak for Kermit, but he has one last trick up his gay little sailor sleeve. The frog summons his retarded nephew to do his bidding! You know, that little naked tadpole thing? It's name is "Robin" or something. Gay. Kermit's ally cuts Josh down from behind, and the HEEL frogs put the web-footed stompdown on him. Luckily, Kermit is not the only one with friends in short places. Short, orange places. Baby Tazz, Josh's running buddy, comes running, buddy! He chokes out the gross naked squirmy thing, allowing Josh to take control. He vanquishes Kermit with a clothesline, which he then gives some ridiculous, made-up name. The "Mama Said Knock You Out" or something. Tazz counts the pinfall... 1, 2, 3! The Little People Nation stands victorious, giving the Velocibabies an early 1-0 lead. Man, The Muppet Babies are always trying to teach us about the solar system. Fuck them.

Competitor:
Name:	Miss Piggy	Bill Demott
Height:	57 hams	118 sausages
Weight:	Plump	Fattened up nicely
Reach:	Stubby pig hooves	Reaches for a third helping of stromboli
Juiciest Cut:	Baby back ribs	Pork loin
Delicious?	Presumably	No (too fatty)
Finisher:	Some Karate bullshit	The "I Hate High-Risk Maneuvers" Moonsault
Favorite Quote:	"Oink."	"Hook the leg or I'll eat you."
Greatest Fear:	Dipping sauce	Homosexual southpaws. Who fail to hook the leg. From the top rope.
Bilingual?	Speaks pretentious French	I DON'T UNDERSTAND ACCENT MARKS! THERE'S A DOG OUT HERE! HELP ME, JOSH!
Currently Dating:	Kermit	Josh Mathews (very metrosexual of him!)
Bitchy Diva Demands:	Only eats the finest gourmet slop	Won't wear shirts unless they contain at least thirty-three different colors
Who Would (S)He Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Princess Leia	A Gamorrean guard

Final Analysis: Miss Piggy starts things off with Karate, leading Bill Demott to make racist remarks. Don't talk Japanese! Funaki will understand you! Being easily confused, Baby Bill mistakes Miss Piggy for Miss Jackie. This causes him to believe that Rico is nearby. Demott darts about in a panic, terrified that homos are going to try and grab his man-parts. It's breaking down here on Velocity!!! Miss Piggy kicks Bill in the crotch while referee Baby Brian Hebner is busy looking at something else. Looking at that big, shaggy, monster guy, probably. That thing is fucked up. Is he supposed to be like a mutated Animal or what? Anyway, Miss Piggy finishes the wounded Demott with Sliced Ham #2. 1, 2, 3. Poor, fat Baby Demott cries his little eyes out. I bet he's wearing overalls. Osh Kosh B'gosh. Here's a lolly, Bill Demott.

We're knotted up at 1-1 thanks to Miss Piggy. Miss Piggies In Action.

Competitor:
Name:	Gonzio	Nunzio
Height:	Blue	It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the... noodle... in the... macaroni.
Weight:	Blue	201 meatballs. And one-quarter.
Hometown:	Uh... Pluto?	THE NEIGHBAHOOD, COLE! BAWHAWHAW!!!
Finisher:	BONZO GONZO!!!	Arrivederci, maybe? He has like eight different ones.
Size 15...	Nose	Boots
And you know what that means...	S.O.L.?	It's something about penises, right?
Had Sex With A Chicken?	Yes	Does Chicken Parmesan count?
And That Chicken's Name Was...	Camilla	Is she from the neighborhood?
Favorite Restaurant:	Kentucky Fried Chicken	Olive Garden. Duh.
Famous Cousin:	Brainy Smurf	Jamie Noble
Hangs Out With...	That rat. Rizzo.	Ayy, ohh, youse guys know Rizzo?
Who Would He Play In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Han Solo, I think?	Some little Italian Jawa. He's-a always trying to sell-a you the pizza pie!

Final Analysis: All the empty space in these tables sure looks stupid.

Anyhow, "Face Baby Italians" started this whole awful thing. JG is to blame. I imagine Baby Nunzio wears a green, white, and red diaper and is all "Ga-ga goo-goo ovah heah". Then he does that thing with his chin that indicates he wants you to go fuck yourself. Wait, no, he's a face now. So he gives you a big thumbs-up and then fixes you a meatball sub.

Anyway, Nunzio is upset that shitty, new-fangled Muppet, Rizzo, is portraying I-talians as filthy, filthy rats. But Gonzo has his buddy's BACK. He and Nunzio go giant-nose-to-giant-nose. Gonzo looks to wrap things up quickly with the Chick Kick, but Nunzio evades! Italians are shifty! He slams Gonzo down and hits the Sicilian Slice, because The World Is Square or Italy is shaped like a size-15 boot or something like that. Geography is hard. Just as Nunzio looks poised to earn the victory, somebody pulls the ref out! Why, that's notorious chicken-lover and all-around fat Amish guy, Roadkill! He still carries a grudge from that time in ECW when Nunzio wouldn't help him raise his barn or some shit! Roadkill distracts the ref by discussing the latest breakthroughs in straw hat technology, while Gonzo beats Nunzio to death with a rubber chicken. Which breaks. Causing Tazz much consternation. Referee Baby Beaker turns in time to see Gonzo cover for three. Post-match, Gonzo and Roadkill fuck some chickens. Chicken-fuckers. 2-1 in favor of raggedy Muppets.

Competitor:
Name:	Fozzie Bear	Johnny the Bull Ox Bear Ox Bull Bug... Bear
Height:	Five-foot-Jew	4.5 cubits in length. Yea, verily. I think this was supposed to be a joke about how oxen are in the Bible a lot, but I don't even know anymore.
Weight:	Puppet weight	Lotta linguini in that arm, there, Cole, if that is your real name.
Finisher:	Bearhug	I can't remember. I forgot. About it.
Tomato Factor:	Pelted by them	Pastamances them into delicious sauce
Favorite Made-Up Word:	Wokka	Stunad
Favorite Joke:	"White people crazy!"	"Ayy, ohh, what's the deal with airline food ovah heah?"
Favorite Gag:	Wacky Groucho glasses	Asks you to pull his finger, then murders your family
Sleeps With:	A teddy bear	A severed horse head (alternate answer: the fishes)
Stock Market Preference:	Bear Market	Bull Market
That Was The Worst Joke Ever.	Yeah, sorry.	Bradshaw made me do it.
Similarity To The Next Mideon:	Unfunny	Stupid
Currently Suing:	Jericho's shitty band for copyright infringement	The makers of Oregon Trail for their unfavorable portrayal of oxen
Who Would He Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Chewbacca	Mamaluke Skywalker

Final Analysis: Is Fozzie Jewish? He strikes me as a Jew. Jews tend you strike you with large sacks of money. Or at least rolls of pennies.

Under different circumstances, these two might have been brought together by their mutual love of embarrassing hobo hats. But not today, paisan! Paizan! Pisan! Pies on! One of those. Baby Johnny the Baby Bull still wears his stupid leather bucket-hat, only it's in the Steven Richards pink baby bonnet style. Adorable. Johnny feels his opponent out by cracking wise about how he is the liver of the Velocibabies. Josh is the heart, Nunzio is the brains, and Demott is the stomach. Fozzie finds such comments comical because Fozzie is fucking retarded. Johnny takes offense. "What, do I amuse you? Do I make you laugh?" he asks. Stamboli barrels into the fray like a bull in some sort of shop that sells delicate porcelain dishware.

Demott's Turning Point was when Johnny didn't lose the match.

Competitor:
Name:	Scooter and Skeeter	The Basham Brothers
Combined Height:	Puppets! Who'll find their place in line!	All man and a yard wide
Combined Weight:	Tie a string around your finger now, boy! It's just a matter of time!	Doughy
No Chance:	In Hell	It's what you got
Finisher:	Dyke and Fag	Ball and Gag
Favorite Quote:	"We are the most reviled of all Muppets."	"We're not allowed to speak."
Turn-On:	Incest	Bondage
Frequently Have Someone's Hand Shoved Up Their Asses?	Yes	Yes
Gross.	Like you've never been sexually attracted to a puppet.	Don't judge me.
Nerds?	Yes	No, I think they've actually had sex. With Demolition.
Weak Link:	Skeeter (not even a real Muppet!)	Danny (chubby and shitty)
Come On!	Okay	Shaniqua don't live here no more.
Finish Them!	BABALITY!	FRIENDSHIP!
Who Would They Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	C-3P0 and R2-D2	Somebody who jobs a lot. Stormtroopers.

Final Analysis: Now I'm envisioning Scooter and Skeeter as some sort of S&M duo. God damn it.

TAG TEAM TURMOIL! SHARE, SHARE, IT'S FAIR! I CHOP YOU, YOU CHOP ME! LET'S FIGHT! Bill Demott is insane. The Bashams are at an early disadvantage, as they were under the Last Impression that they'd be facing Scoot Andrews and Scott Vantastic. You can't hear very well under those S&M masks. But Doug and Danny turn the tide with the "Meat Curtain", which may have only been used once and was almost as disturbing as the GHB. Shockingly, Danny doesn't go for the pin! As JG has reported, without Shaniqua, the Bashams don't know when to "finish them"! Or the manner in which they should "come"!

WHAT DEVILRY IS THIS??? Scooter illegally switches places with Skeeter while the Baby Bashams discuss the pros and cons of latex diapers with referee Baby Li'l Naitch! Bill Demott totally loses his shit! Danny Basham turns around into an inside cradle! 1, 2, 3! Those filthy fucking muppets have stolen a victory to go up 3-2. Demott's Turning Point was when his Pancake Dough Basham was done on one side. So he turned it. And ate it.

The Last Impression is Doug's leg lariat that no one but Josh Mathews will ever call. Just so you understand that unfunny joke.

Competitor:
Name:	Rowlf	Orlando Jordan
Height:	Why do I persist with height and weight when they're never funny?	Tall enough to rape you
Weight:	Too many Snausages	3,840 OUNCES OF FIIIIINE DARK CHOCOLATE MMMM-MMM
Ethnicity:	Haha, he's black, ya'll	Dayom, foo!
This Whole Paragraph Is Because They're Both Sorta Black, Isn't It?	Yes	Sorry for the racism!
Orlando Jordan Hasn't Even Been On Velocity In Like Three Months:	I realize that.	Why do you always have to try and tear me down?
Finisher:	DUDLEY DOG HAHA "DOG" GET IT?	Blackbeard. Black Licorice. Anything with the word "Black" in it.
Favorite Hobby:	Tickling the ivories	That means molesting white women, right?
Favorite Song:	Chopsticks	Yeah, Akio likes that one.
Favorite Wrestler:	Al Green	His own fiiine self. Dayom.
Screaming Groupies?	These chicks don't even know the name of his band.	OMG GIRLZ IT'S THAT GUY WHO WANTED KURT ANGLE TO "BE OK" LET'S TEAR HIS CLOTHES OFF!!!
Diaper Color:	White (UNCLE TOM!!!)	Orange. With a kitty on it.
Who Would He Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Lando Calrissian	A black person

Final Analysis: As proof of my horrible racism, I accidentally did "Height:" followed by "White:". Colon, quotation mark, period. That's a good way to end a sentence.

This ghetto street fight begins with Baby Rowlf rocking out on the piano like Ray Charles while Orlando Jordan shuffles his Johnson like it's going out of style. The referee is the newly-unemployed Best Wrestler Ever, Baby Jacqueline. She personally requested this match when she overheard something about a big, black pianist.

I think I'm starting to offend even myself. Regardless, Orlando tries to earn the KO with assorted punchitry, but the Muppet keeps him on the defensive with bulldogs and whatnot. Rowlf brings the lid of his piano down on Jordan's hands and breaks all his sexy, sexy fingers. But O.J. ain't goin' out like that, dawg! He uses his unmitigated sexayness to distract Jackie while fellow Velocibabies Bob Holly and Billy Gunn hit the ring! They give Rowlf a healthy dose of GHB! He's out like one of Orlando Jordan's dates! Roofies. Rowlfies. From there, it's a simple matter for Orlando to hit the Black Plague and earn the three-count. He's extended our competition to one final, sudden-death match for all of Tazz'z marbles!

Competitor:
Name:	Animal	Filthy Animal
Height:	Quadruped	Vanilla midget
Weight:	Varies based on how many human beings he's eaten	Bagels don't weigh much. Because of the holes.
Age:	Infant	Kid, Man
Finisher:	Projectile vomiting	Seven Year Itch. Yeah, I said it.
Favorite Wrestler:	George Steele	Anyone but himself. Self-loathing Jew.
Favorite Food:	Dannon "Danimals"	Lox
Favorite Animal:	Himself	A baby goat
Flea-ridden?	Yes	Not anymore =(
Married To:	Nanny	Torrie Wilson, inexplicably
Descriptive Adjective:	Creepy	Sleepy
What Would He Say If He Had To Wrestle Jamie Noble?	"YA-GA-GA-GA-GA! *eats turnbuckle*"	"Jamie Noble? Oy."
Who Would He Portray In The Obligatory Star Wars Parody?	Yoda	JEWBACCA HAHAHA

Final Analysis: Hot off his tag title victory, Baby Kidman is growing up. He's taking his first baby steps into the world of not being jobbed out horribly. But Animal is really fucked up. He'll try to eat you. Like Batista.

Kidman goes for a speedy victory with the Kidcrusher, because that's a good way to kill babies. But Animal will have none of it. He crawls through Kidman's legs at a high rate of speed and eats his Achilles tendon. Kidman goes down like a sack of potato knishes. He makes a last-ditch effort to beat his opponent to death with the Kidcam, but Animal eats that, too. Things look grim.

Suddenly, someone dials up the celly that Kidman received as a bar mitzvah gift from Rey Mysterio! It has a special Hava Nagila ringtone. Baby Billy answers the phone just as Animal is about to totally eat his face. Why, it's Kidman's tag team partner, Paul London! London's calling. "Billy, the fleas!" he pleads. "Use the fleas!"

"No!" Kidman insists. "Never again. Not after... the tragedy."

"You gotta pick up the pieces and move on, bro!" begs London. "It's just like with Mario. Every time he reached the end of a level, everybody would be all 'Sorry, The Princess Is In Another Castle.' But did he give up? NO! GET UP, MAN! GET UP FOR MARIO!!!"

"Yes..." Kidman whispers, finally seeing the light. "I'll do it... for Mario."

Just before Animal's fangs sink into his jugular, Kidman reaches over to grab Fifi The Puppy from Baby Rene Dupree (Le Enfant Terrible). Billy gives Madame Murgleurgleoo a vigorous shake, sprinkling a generous dollop of fleas over his battered body. The effects are immediate. Kidman kips up and dropkicks the Muppet all the way across the nursery! The centuries-old symbiotic relationship between Billy Kidman and fleas has granted him the necessary filthiness to defeat Animal! He totally pulls the R-trigger on his Gamecube! 1, 2, 3! Velocibabies win! Do you buhlee in miracles?

Post-match, Paul London rushes into the nursery to hug Kidman for an uncomfortably long time. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero bury Animal's corpse in the desert like they did to Ric Flair.

By a score of 4-3, the Velocibabies have won this best-of-seven series. It was better than that whole Booker T/Chris Benoit affair because it had more puppets. The conquering heroes retire to Bill Demott's farm outside of Mineral Town for a joyous Mario Party. Johnny The Bull impregnates a cow. And they all live happily ever after until Vince McMahon fires them.