My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Tajiri and his henchmen were originally brought together by their love of those little candy hearts that say "Be Mine" and "Kiss Me".

-Breaking news! Rey Mysterio's family is growing so quickly that they had to move into a new thimble!

-I heard that Rosey's diet is strictly vegetarian unless you count the cows and pigs and chickens and sheep and fish and donkeys and squirrels and worms and chimpanzees and wildebeest and humans.

-Ever since he had his phone disconnected, Brock Lesnar has been experiencing Off Da Hook Pain.

-Rene Dupree couldn't even mime his way out of an invisible box!

-Charlie Haas has been arrested for shoplifting Leggs pantyhose on nine separate occasions!

-Gail Kim suffered a tragic setback to her rehabilitation when she fell off the couch and fractured her pants again.

-In an effort to further distance himself from Uncle Eddie, Chavo Guerrero Jr. wastes at least twenty-five motions per day.

-Chavo Sr. once caught him and was all, "What are you doing, esse son holmes?! There are people in China starving for motion!"

-Jonathan Coachman would have landed the role of Trojan Man if he didn't get so sweaty around women.

-Sources close to Kane say he was about to name one of his signature moves the "Morgueasm", but Shannon Moore totally ripped him off!

-I'm told Randy Orton's favorite gay rodeo event is the one where they put panties on a goat.

-The Hurricane recently joined up with the Ku Klux Klan because he heard they would make him an Imperial Wizard. Mystical!

-Similarly, Jerry Lawler has been pushing for his son to return as Grand Dragon Sexay, the dancingest Klan member this side of Memphis!

Couldn't decide which delightful KKK joke I liked best, so you got a bonus, baby. But fuck that warm-up act "Just" Joe, I'm the story here. I'm totally headlining this column that six people will read. Gentlemen and other gentlemen, please put your hands together for the fourth and most extensive installment in the Choose Your Own Adventure line. I began work on it in November and then grew incredibly lazy, so enjoy all the hilariously outdated Nathan Jones jokes. It is entitled: