My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Just once, Chuck Palumbo wishes he could have a gimmick that doesn't involve wearing pinky rings and kissing men.
-Test thinks a "homophone" is what Rico uses to call his agent! *rimshot*
-Immediately after shooting wrapped on "Helldorado", The Rock treated himself to the purchase of Eddie Guerrero's used Hellcamino.
-I hear Vince McMahon recently rented DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball, but was disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with the Harris Brothers.
-Unable to locate gloves that fit his hamfisted paws, the Big Show has taken to simply sticking his hands inside frozen turkeys.
-Sources say that Kane's dressing room is plastered with those "Hang In There!" kitten posters.
-If there's one thing Matt Hardy can't stand, it's emoticons.
- =(
-"Just" Joe can't remember if Rodney Mack was Kris or Kross.
-It's been reported that Brock Lesnar once worked for a glass company, but was fired for excitedly shouting "HERE COMES THE PANE!!!!!!" every time he replaced a window.
-Maybe if Debra learned how to bake some decent fucking cookies, Austin wouldn't have had to go upside her head.
-I'm told that Droz has to eat dog food because he's poor and has no legs. CRIPPLES 'N BITS OMG!!!1!
Ah, Easter. It's actually St. Patrick's Day, but let's all pretend it's Easter. This particular holiday isn't X-TRAEMAE in 2003, but it sure as hell was in 2002. If only I had a time machine, I could travel to the past to make this column relevant. And if that's the most interesting thing you'd do with a time machine in your possession, you might as well just kill yourself now.
Anyhow, gather around the JesusTron so that I may educate you about:
Back in the olden thymes, there lived an evil, boring, old man. He went by the name of "The Undertaker" aka "Satan" aka "Big Evil" aka "Booger Red" aka "Big Red" aka "Juicy Fruit". Now The Undertaker was once one of Hell's Angels who served a Greater Power (VINCE MCMAHON ALL ALONG). But he was cast down to Earth because everybody got fucking tired of him bitching about his "yard" 24/7.
And so The Undertaker wandered the lands, old and bitter and old. He eventually stumbled his way into the Garden of Eden, where he found Jake "The Snake" Roberts doing blow or something. Taker was all "DO NOT PARTAKE OF THE FORBIDDEN SOUPBOOOOOONNNNE" but then he made Jake eat it anyway because he's such a FUCKING BADASSSSS OLLDD SCHOOOOOOOOL I PAID MY DUUUUUUUEEEES.
During what came to be known as Decade of Destruction, there also lived a young man named Christian. The Undertaker was jealous of him because he had even better magic powers, like the ability to wrestle well. Christian also managed to turn water to soda, cure Grandma Edna's leprosy, and form a stable of apostles in wacky glasses. He further angered his arch-rival by tattling to Ken Shamrock about The Undertaker's collection of Cabbage Patch Kids.
Recognizing that a holy war against this heaven-sent Canadian was inevitable, the Lord of Darkness shouted "UR GONNA PAY!" and started wearing a really nice bathrobe. He then conjured up a team of his own foul minions. First the Acolytes, who were a couple of big fat Roman drunks or something. Then Mideon and Viscera, who were just stupid.
The Undertaker first got Christian's attention on the holiday we now know as Passover. He oppressed the Jews by making them run around in Death Valley and carry his motorcycle and make him a snakeskin girdle. Then came Good Friday, which I think was a movie with Ice Cube.
Christian would not let such treachery stand. He and his gang gathered their tire irons and burning bushes and what have you and geared up for war. It was then that the Prophets stopped playing with Sisko's baseball long enough to descend from the wormhole. They warned Christian that one of his own allies would do a heel turn in like five seconds. And so it came to pass. Jewdas (BILLY KIDMAN) stabbed his mentor in the back for 30 ounces of Gold Bond medicated powder. Because he's itchy, see. Or is Gold Bond for dentures? Hell if I know. Anyway, somebody then started playing Billy's horrible "HEEEEEEEEY-OHHHHH, WHOOOOOOAAAA-YEEEEAAAAH" music.
And so the betrayer personally delivered Christian to The Undertaker's house in Hell, California. Being a fatass, Taker's food-related punishment came down from on high. The Ministry of Dorkness would eat Christian's original recipe chickenlegs with 11 herbs and spices. And so it was that Christian took the Last Ride to the Last Supper. Buh Buh Ray Dudley was all "GET THE DUMPLINGS" and everything just went into a downward spiral from there.
Speaking of downward spirals, things were at their bleakest when Christian's father, Edge, looked down upon his son from Heaven, Ontario, Canada. Something had to be done, and fast. So Edge rounded up his lazy, unemployed brother Gangrel and got him to put some goddamned pants on for once. Donning their finest and queerest puffy shirts, these two divine beings descended from their frozen wasteland with the intent to kick it alternative lifestyle, um... style.
Meanwhile, Undertaker had ordered the stagehands to put his big stupid symbol up near the TitanTron. He looked at Christian and yelled something to the effect of "PUT HIM ON THE CROSS", after which he yelled something to the effect of "OH FUCK I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY CROSS". He was, in fact, supposed to say "cymbal", because that was the instrument he used to play in the Death Valley High extreme marching band. But the blasphemy of saying "cross" on Monday Night RAW was already done, and Phil Mushnick exploded into a gelatinous goo. That is why Chris Benoit's finisher is known today as the Crippler Symbolface.
With little warning, our epic battle suddenly came to a head. God and Gangrel rushed the stage and dispatched The Undertaker with the "Edge-communicator" or some other such stupidly named move. The Acolytes would have helped, but they were too busy drawing occult symbols on one another's bosoms. And I think Mideon was off hiding Easter eyes. Only Viscera tried to intervene, but he fell down and skinned his knee. =(
The tide had turned. Christian took it upon himself to Hulk up, huffing and puffing until he broke free of that symbol, brother. I think The Union also came out and started hitting The Undertaker with little sticks. Taker was not only vanquished but also deprived of his chicken dinner. He retreated to hell via the use of Gangrel's little fiery platform thing that lowered from the stage. There he took his frustrations out on his horrible Gorgon wife, who was busy spraying Cerberus in the face with a hose. A hose full of acid or flames or something.
And that's the story of how The Undertaker invented dinosaurs. The faggy nerd from that one movie dubbed it "Chaos Theory". I believe it has something to do with Sonic the Hedgehog. When "Just" Joseph reported Taker's failures to the boys in the back, he was quickly replaced with Satan v. 2.0, Sean O'Haire. The once-proud Lord of Darkness was cast into a pit of young punks who refused to shake his hand, where he forever languished in eternal torment.
Anyway, we celebrate Easter because of... something in there. Christian's Hulking up, I think. Or maybe just because Viscera enjoys eating Cadbury Eggs, Marshmallow Peeps, and the Easter Bunny. I hope you've learned something from my stupid words and poorly-sized images. Either way, that's the true story of Easter. And if you don't believe me, God will blind you with the light of his teeth.
