My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-The Big Show was going to join a 12-step plan for overeaters, but he balked when he heard that there would be walking involved.
-Much like Stu Hart had his filthy basement, Chris Benoit has been training supple young boys in a special part of his attic that he has dubbed the "CRIPPLER CRAWLSPACE" HA HA HA WHOOOOO.
-I heard that Mini-dust and Booker Wee got MARRIED!
-"Just" Joe reports that Droz is earning a secondary income by selling zany bumper stickers for wheelchairs.
-Current best sellers are "HONK IF YOU'RE CRIPPLED", "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'RE CRIPPLED", and "MY OTHER WHEELCHAIR IS STILL A WHEELCHAIR BECAUSE I'M CRIPPLED".
-It's a little known fact that Bull Buchanan's great-grandfather invented the shitty wrestling match.
-Due to his intense fear of flying, Brock Lesnar is forced to travel to WWE events in the tiny sidecar of Paul Heyman's motorbike.
-The fear of flying obviously stems from that encounter with Curt Hennig on the airplane. MR. PERFECT IS THE #1 GOPHER
-Security forcibly removed Hulk Hogan from a recent Smackdown taping after mistaking him for one of those jackasses who dresses up as Hulk Hogan.
-Eric Bischoff was this close to luring Mark Henry over to the RAW brand, but ultimately failed to deliver on Henry's signing bonus of 25,000 Marshmallow Peeps.
-Under that mask, Rey Mysterio is HISPANIC!!!
-After he's re-crippled at Summerslam, the buzz is that Shawn Michaels will return to his former career of designing saucy hats for small dogs.
I canceled the last column's tournament because of... uh, anthrax. I don't know. I declare Hardcore Holly the winner because I like it when he says "FUCK".
Oh, those wacky Un-Americans. It seems that their disrespectful attitude now applies to countries other than America. In fact, one member of the group is even growing suspicious of his home country. Upon learning that he had to answer to a Prime Minister, Test loudly proclaimed that he isn't "into that Bible shit". He then stormed out to eat some Kraft dinners or whatever, muttering about how "tubular" it would be if the Un-Americans governed a country of their own. Filthy Chinese spies later followed Test to his teepee, where they uncovered the following document. It was written in the margins of an Alpha Flight comic book with invisible ink, presumably as a safeguard against the prying eyes of dirty Americans and Samoans such as myself. Many Bothans died to bring you blah blah, etc etc.
Please note that this document is unedited, because Test is stupid and that is funny.
1. Motley Crue totally rocks!
2. The nashional anthum of Testonia is WACKY FLUTES!
3. The flag of Testonia is like blood red and its got all these skulls and daggers and naked chicks all over it and it says something totally awesome like "DON'T FUCK WIT DIS" or somethin' like that.
4. All citisens have the right to bare arms, especially if its like one of those big-ass bazookas and it fires grenades and nukes and shit OH MAN THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY FUCKIN' RAD!!!
5. Super Sexy Emperer Test shall only be adressed by "Your Awesomeness", "Your Radicality", or "Jesus #2".
6. DICKtator (heh heh) Test is IMMMUNE(!!!!!) to the following: impeechment, cancer, crib death, doing the dishes, hangnails, West Nile virus (FUCKIN' EGYPTIANS!), athlete's foot, assassassination, jobbing, that disease Michael J. Fox has where you can't stop shakin' and shit, frostbite, bullets, lazers, ninjas, Nazis, genatal warts, regular warts, heppatitis A through F, male pattern baldness, lycanthropy, and THE AMERICAN DISEASE OF BEIN' RUDE AND IGNORANT AND... SHUT UP!
7. Motley Crue TOTALLY FUCKIN' RAWKS!!!
8. No fat chicks.
9. The offishial alfabet of Testonia only has 3 letters, because 31 or whatever is to fuckin' many. And what the hell's up with W? It's not two U's, it's two V's! STUPID MEXICANS!!!
10. All dental and orthadontal work in Testonia is free, paid for by... the goverment or whoever.
11. The 2010 Olimpics will be held in Testonia and will feature such events as Stepping Over The Top Rope and Air Guitaring OH DUDE I'M GONNA WIN ALL THE FUCKIN' GOLD!!!
12. He who smelt it delt it.
13. Drugs are legal but only for King Superstud Test (ME) 'cause I don't want that stupid Korean Rob Van Dam gettin' in my country. This one time I had sparked up some premium herb in the locker room and RVD comes up in a fake mustash and he's all "Weed Inspector, gotta take a look at that" but I'm like "Bullshit dude, your not the usual Weed Inspector!" so he says "Yeah, man, I'm new" but I'm still all "THIS SMACKS OF FOUL PLAY!" but then he pulled out this badge so I beleived him but he RAN OFF WITH ALL MY BUD!!! Turns out that he just borrowed the badge from the Bossman. Fuckin' Polacks.
14. The elecshion process will be held by me giving everyone THE BIG BOOT and then I (TEST) get to be ruler for like 5,000 more years. And all the women have to go out with me (TEST) because I (TEST) am awesome!!!
15. Anyone caught not wearing there goverment-issue leather pants will be EXECUTED VIA FIRING SQUAD like on that show "You Can't Do That On Televison" (A FINE CANADIAN PROGRAMME).
16. My country is allowed to have a standing army of giant birds with razers for claws and they shoot lazers from there eyes and when they go "SQUAAAAAWK" it like breaks all this glass and makes your ears bleed and shit and their gonna be ridden by these little gnomes with big-ass axes who have claws like Wolverine OH MAN THIS FUCKING OWNS!!!
17. Testonia is at war with the following jerks: Americans, Robots, American Robots, Martians, Martian Robots, American Martians, The Stay-Puffed Marshmellow Man, Superman, Robot Superman, and that dick at the Pizza Hut who always puts olives on my pizza I FUCKIN' HATE OLIVES!!!!!
18. Every Thursday is "Ladies' Night". Drinks are $1 off.
19. Oh yeah, the offishial curentcy of Testonia is BIG BOOTS. For example, I would offer that guy 5 BIG BOOTS for a pizza and then I would KEEP FUCKING KICKING HIM IN THE FACE UNTIL HE STOPS PUTTING OLIVES ON MY PIZZA GODDAMNIT DID I ASK FOR OLIVES YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKING GUATEMALAN???
20. There will be no school because school fuckin' sucks but all Testonians will be required to memmorize this paper I wrote in 3rd Grade entitled "WHY I HATE NEGROES".
21. Yeah, and my 3rd Grade teacher Mrs. Babcock will be jailed because THAT DIRTY BITCH GAVE MY PAPER AN F!!! IT CLEARLY DESERVED AN A BECAUSE I "PASSED THE TEST" AS IT WERE HA HA LOL!
22. Furthermore, my jails will be clean and effishient and there'll be a librery in there in case you want to look at some porn or whatever to edjucate yourself and shit. Testonian prisons will also have less rapes than American prisons but more rapes than Canadian prisons.
23. The jewdishial system (FUCKIN' JEWS!!!) will be comprized of a single court prezided over by JUDGE GNARLY (ME). You're innocents will be determined by how much booze you give me. And no Zima or Smearnoff Ice, either, that shit's for dirty Commies.
24. Testonia's ruler, The Totally Bitchin' King of Rock 'N Roll (ALSO ME), will live inside the Chuck E. Cheese. And skee-ball games are gonna be ON THE HOUSE DUDE THIS IS SO COMPLETELY SWEET I'M GONNA WIN ALL THE TICKETS AND GET THAT BB GUN FOR CHRISTIAN SO HE CAN SHOOT ARABS WITH IT!
25. CAUCASIANS GO BACK TO CAUCASIA!!!!