"Just" Joe's quote of the week: "That basketball has hair."

My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

Buzzy, roll tape! It's now time for X-Treme March Madness, so huddle up, you fags! No congratulatory butt-patting, PLZ!

This first draft rumor was generously provided by Weekly Visitor and The Shooters alum EIW E & C, who is affectionately known as "Nob" to like three people. Why didn't that ever catch on? Assholes. Anyway, THX EIW! OMG RSVP ASAP, DDP!

-As a favor to the Undertaker, Vince McMahon will draft Bryan Adams and repackage him as CRUSH HOLLY LOL!1

-Steve Austin is really looking forward to RAW because he heard there was going to be some Miller Genuine Draft. Those alcoholics, always hearing everything wrong!

-Chuck Palumbo almost drowned at the YMCA the other day because he doesn't know how to perform the breaststroke. HARR HARR I ALWAYS MAKE A JOKE LIKE THIS.

-It's untrue that The Rock played football for the Miami Hurricanes, but he WAS among the university's best male cheerleaders!

-There's a rumor that Rob Van Dam was cut from the Dallas Cowboys back in the day for not snorting enough coke.

-Based on the popularity of Fox's Celebrity Boxing, Vince McMahon will bring Bart Gunn back to "BRAWL 4 ALL" against "Saved By The Bell"'s Dustin Diamond. Gunn will obviously get punked the fuck out.

-Man, when the Gunn parents are more proud of BILLY than you... That's just sad. The Gunn parents are of course named "Ray" and "Nell". SOMEBODY STOP ME!!! Seriously.

-They say that Matt Hardy's lifelong dream was to be a part of his college's X-TREAYM MARCHing band, but he was cut from the squad for constantly screaming "UHHHHHHHH" into his tuba.

-I think "Just" Joe was only joking around with the above rumor, as everyone knows that there aren't any colleges in North Carolina.

-HOLLYWOOD WATCH! The movie "Air Bud 4: Dogs Are Really Fucking Good At Polo" will star The Big Bossman and Dean Malenko as "Huang" and "Nguyen", two crazy Vietnamese gourmets obsessed with cooking and eating that mouth-watering mutt. Expect them to be bit in the knickers. Right in the knickers.

-I hear that Chris Jericho's dad is basketball great Irvine "Magic" Johnson! YJ2 HAS THE AIDS LOLMG!

-Tiger Ali Singh is a lot like Tiger Woods, in that they're both dirty, dirty foreigners.

It's Draft Day! *blows whistle* DRAFT DAY, SON! SUCK IT UP, WALK IT OFF, AND GET IN DEAH!!!!! I, Coach T. N. Mideon, will give you my in-depth analysis of this year's top ten prospects! Which blue-chipper is going to take his or her team straight to the top? Find out right now! With additional commentary provided by my assistant "coaches" Jonathan "Coach" Coachman and "Coach" Kevin Nash. And additional exclamation points!!! And a shitty layout, just for Hooker!



Name: Maven
Overall Draft Pick: #1
Statistics: Eyebrows: 2
                    Wrestling Maneuvers Performed: 1
                    Students Taught: Several
Previous Team: Virginia Schoolteachers That Never Shut Up About Being Schoolteachers
My Take: Every team out there wants to get their hands on this hot young rookie! Not only does he have the inherent skills that come from winning a stupid contest and being trained for like 5 seconds, he also has an athlete's physique! Oily, sweaty, and gross! LOOK AT THE BUILD ON THAT HOSS! Unlimited potential, folks! Plus, there's room for growth! EYEBROW GROWTH!!!
Coach Coachman's Take: My clipboard tells me that General Manager Vince McMahon may draft Maven only to trade him for an existing talent. McMahon loves nothing more than handing out breast implants, and Maven would be poorly suited for that purpose. Maybe he'll cut a deal for the rights to Goldust.
Coach Nash's Take: *yawns*




Name: Chris Benoit
Overall Draft Pick: #2
Statistics: Cripplements: 1
                    Smarks Disappointed: 800 Million
                    Reach: 3 millimeters
Previous Team: Edmonton Cripples
My Take: Commissioner Ric Flair has been singing the praises of this young buck, so expect him to be selected as the second overall pick! Their friendship dates back to junior high, when Flair would always choose Benoit first for kickball because he let him borrow his social studies notes! Yes, they went to the same school, despite the fact that they are from different countries and there's an age difference of like 30 years! Amazing, no?!
Coach Coachman's Take: Benoit's injury-plagued history may end up hurting his draft chances. I don't think he even has a neck anymore. Crippled Horsemen are of no use to anybody, as Christopher Reeve could tell you. Don't bet the farm on this lame duck, assuming you own a farm and were planning on wagering it for some reason!
Coach Nash's Take: *brushes hair*




Name: Test
Overall Draft Pick: #3
Statistics: Strikeouts (WITH WOMEN): 42,000
                    Buckteeth: 2
                    Firings: 0 HE'S IMMUNE BY GAWD TEFLON TEFLON
Previous Team: Vancouver Canadian Guys That Nobody Really Likes
My Take: Expect this year's draft to have a rather Canadian flavour! See what I did there, with the U in flavor? Man, I'm clever! Canadian athletes are prized for their long hippie hair and valuable leather pants, so Test may be Vince McMahon's boy!
Coach Coachman's Take: Test's only liability is the fact that he can't be fired, or "cut" as we say in the business. GM McMahon really likes to fire people. A lot. In the end, he may opt for someone who's easily expendable, like Tommy Dreamer.
Coach Nash's Take: *stretches*




Name: The Big Show
Overall Draft Pick: #4
Statistics: Runs The 50-Yard Dash In: 11 months
                    Hamburgers Eaten: Infinite
                    Onesies: Onesie
Previous Team: New York Giants OMYGOBS HE WUZ TEH GIANT IT IS FUNNAYE B-CUZ THEY R A REEL TEEM!
My Take: There's always a place in professional sports for the big, useless, untalented guy! Just look at Giant Gonzales! Manute Bol! Uh, that one basketball dude that was in the movie with Billy Crystal! With his size, selecting The Big Show is like getting two draft picks for the price of one! And that cliche is all the more valid because The Big Show just ate Billy Kidman.
Coach Coachman's Take: Although Ric Flair has drafted big worthless guys in previous years (See: Mongo), Show's physical conditioning has been seriously questioned as of late. Will his lardy body hold out until the playoffs? If he can keep his number of heart attacks under, say, 6 or 7, he should have a good season. An OFF DA HOOK season, if you will!
Coach Nash's Take: *naps*




Name: Michael Cole
Overall Draft Pick: #5
Statistics: Wrestling Moves Miscalled: All of them
                    Dogs Impregnated: 1
                    Friends: 0
Previous Team: Calgary Flamers
My Take: WHAT A STUD!!! This young lion has easily secured the 5 spot by burning up the charts with his announcing talent! Who else in the business calls a legscissors like Michael Cole? NOBODY! THAT'S RIGHT, NOBODY! Put this fresh young M.C. on your team and he'll rock the mic like a vandal! Cole's like Chip Caray, but even shittier! STOP TEH PAINTY!
Coach Coachman's Take: This unpredictable youngster's major test will be abiding by the WWF's strict drug policy, which strictly states "Plz take a lot of drugs". As a clean-cut, fresh-faced Midwestern boy from Gary, Indiana, Cole's personal philosophy is "Blonde Highlights, Not Drugs". That would be a better philosophy if it rhymed, but what are you gonna do? Hey, remember that musical about Gary, Indiana with Dick Van Dyke and Opie? What a piece of shit.
Coach Nash's Take: *still napping*


(POST-SUNDAY EDIT: FUCK RON HOWARD)






Name: Jesus
Overall Draft Pick: #6
Statistics: Lepers Cured: 192
                    Sinner Conversions: 805,220
                    Commandments: 10
Previous Team: Jerusalem Jews
My Take: Man, Jesus has the Waspinator beard workin' for him. But who better to have on your team than Jesus himself, right?! Well, maybe God. He'd probably be pretty good, too! I hear God's got a wicked forkball. Anyway, you might be thinking that Commissioner Flair will select Jesus before the sixth pick rolls around, but remember that Vince McMahon is SATAN! If Flair puts too much stock into this seasoned veteran from the Holy Land, McMahon may have his number! NUMBER 666 OH MY JOG!!!
Coach Coachman's Take: One major concern with Flair drafting Jesus is that the pair are simply too much alike. After all, they're both old men with an affinity for fancy robes. Every successful team has a delicate balance of egos to keep in check, and it's possible that Jesus could hurt his squad by butting heads with the boss. However, the power of his crucifix powerbomb remains unmatched, so look for Jesus to claim a solid spot in the middle of the top ten.
Coach Nash's Take: *drools, snores, rolls over*




Name: Jazz
Overall Draft Pick: #7
Statistics: Pieces Of Hardee's Fried Chicken Consumed: Countless
                    Trucks Driven: 2,440
                    Moustaches: 1
Previous Team: Utah Jazz
My Take: Jazz is the top female prospect in this year's draft, but it's a moot point since everybody mistakes her for a man, anyway! This rising star has been nicknamed "The Mailman" because she always "delivers" the coffee while Tommy Dreamer is on break! Jazz first attracted the eyes of talent scouts by hanging around Dreamer in ECW for no reason and feuding constantly with Electra, who was also a man! Plus, she once fought Dennis Rodman in WCW and is a close personal friend of Mormon Chieftain John Stockton! Jazz has the connections to take any team to the top!
Coach Coachman's Take: *clumsily tries to hit on Jazz*
Coach Nash's Take: *lathers*




Name: Mr. Perfect
Overall Draft Pick: #8
Statistics: Perfect Games: A MILLION
                    Pieces Of Gum Swatted: 93,206
                    Two-Toned Onesies: Lots
Previous Team: West Texas Rednecks, Minnesota Chapter
My Take: While he doesn't excel in any one particular area, Perfect is the quintessential all-around athlete! He's a jack-of-all-trades, just like Bruce Campbell on the hit TV show "Jack-Of-All-Trades"! Perfect was an eight-time All-American at college-level tiddlywinks, but remember that he doesn't perform well in EXHIBITION games!
Coach Coachman's Take: Mr. Perfect's age is the one nagging question that's plagued him throughout his entire career. But will the heinously old Ric Flair see something special in his fellow senior citizen? Hennig's no SPRING CHICKEN, that's for sure! Just how many good years does he have left before his gum-spit goes all limp and flaccid? And what about his knees? HE'S GOT A CASE OF THE SOFA KNEES!!!
Coach Nash's Take: *rinses*




Name: Faarooq
Overall Draft Pick: #9
Statistics: Hairs: 36
                    Asses Pounded: 733
                    Dayom?: Dayom.
Previous Team: BAH GAWD FLORIDA STATE SEMINOLES ALL-AMERICAN BAH GAWD BAH GAWD
My Take: DAYOM! A proud Native American, this Seminole hopes to follow in the footsteps of other famous Indian athletes, like Jim Thorpe and Tatanka and Dhalsim and that racially offensive caricature that the Cleveland Indians used to have for a mascot! In the ancient tongue of his peoples, Faarooq's name literally translates to "Sitting Onassbackstageallday". Should one of the two owners draft this brave warrior, he will kill the white man and let no part of his body go to waste! FAAROOQ'S STOCK SOAR HIGH LIKE EAGLE BECAUSE BIG CHIEF BRADSHAW HANDLE HIS INVESTMENT PORTFOLIO! TIME TO SMOK'UM PEACE PIPE AND PLAY'UM POKER AND DRINK'UM THE BEER!
Coach Coachman's Take: If any Native Americans are offended by reading this, please remember that it was whitey who took your land, not me or my peoples. Fucking whitey. In the ancient tongue of your tribe, "Live Long And Prosper". Anyway, if there's one drawback to signing Faarooq, and it would have to be his immense greed. He'll want one of those Alex Rodriguez-style contracts where he gets paid 400 trillion dollars and a pair of diamond-studded wrestling trunks in exchange for five seconds of work.
Coach Nash's Take: *repeats*




Name: Dracula
Overall Draft Pick: #10
Statistics: Necks Bitten: 9,000
                    Bad Movies Starred In: 12 million
                    Met Tom Cruise: Once
Previous Team: Detroit Transylvanians
My Take: Now, I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering if someone spiked my Gatorade! While it's true that someone DID spike my Gatorade, I still expect Dracula to be the dark horse of this year's draft! He's an underrated veteran who's still got some fight left in him, fans! Plus, he's from somewhere in Europe, and European guys make great stereotypical heels!
Coach Coachman's Take: I agree that Dracula's a longshot, but he's still got something to contribute. The only problem is that there's plenty of very similar athletes competing for the coveted 10th spot. If he wants to crack this year's top ten, Dracula will have to fend off Gangrel, Count Chocula, and that guy from Sesame Street who's always counting shit. What's his name, Count Countsalot or something like that? Probably.
Coach Nash's Take: *more napping*


BONUS COVERAGE! WHO WILL BE THE DRAFT'S FINAL PICK?






Name: Tazz (Pictured Actual Size)
Overall Draft Pick: #4,822
Statistics: Tazz Victims: More
                    Stickball Homeruns: 0
                    Stickball Bunts: 72,917
Previous Team: Syracuse Orangemen BAHAHAHAHAH I already made this joke once.
My Take: Little Tazz is always picked last for everything! He has a habit of CHOKING OUT when the big game is on the line! Nobody wants him! If you choose Tazz, the only victim will be YOUR TEAM!
Coach Coachman's Take: Looks like Tazz is S.O.L. AND U KNOW WAHT TAHT MEANZ!
Coach Nash's Take: *comatose*


That's all for now! If "Just" Joe has divulged any juicy tidbits to *you*, send them to TheNextMideon@weeklyvisitor.com.

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