My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Look for Yokozuna to make a surprise appearance at the Royal Rumble! I FUCKING GUARANTEE IT!!!
-That would have been 1000 times funnier if I bothered to complete this column before the Royal Rumble. Trust me.
-Wait, I can salvage it. The Royal Rumble has come and gone, and Yokozuna was there just as I reported!!! If you didn't see him, you must be one of those racists.
-The Undertaker purchased several lawn gnomes to display in his "yard", as well as one of those things that looks like a fat lady bending over.
-If edible Depends ever go on sale, you can bet that Vince McMahon will be the first in line!
-I've got a HOTT TIP that says Chris Jericho's new entrance will involve him riding to the ring on a unicorn.
-They say that Booker T attempted to teach Kurt Angle how to score with the "yaks", but Kurt unfortunately got the wrong idea.
-Val Venis always shops for his towels at Pier 1. Pier 1: Offering you only the finest in semen-stained towels.
-Billy Gunn's favorite TV show will always be "Charles in Charge".
-If you gave Chuck Palumbo a nickel for all the gay sex he didn't have, he would have zero... cents. Shut up.
-I hear that Steve Austin and his watch are no longer on speaking terms. =(
-Now I guess he talked to it at the Rumble. I really should have finished this fucking thing before the Rumble. That's it, column's canceled. Everybody go home.
No, I'm just JOSHing you. Here's another segment. We all watch the WWF's scripted feuds with rapt attention, but few people know that the greatest of feuds are oftentimes held outside the confines of the squared circle. I like to talk like this. So I give you this stupid comparison piece on WWF Superstars and their archrivals.
Please note that some of today's participants are not underaged or incestuous enough to appear anywhere on the Internet, so the pictures I have provided are reasonable facsimiles. Also, the HTML is horrible and the images are all different sizes because that's the way I like it. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Please do not make fun of my awful tables. It makes them very sad.
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Mark Henry | Clay Henry |
| Weight: | Fatass | Ex-Fatass |
| Eats At: | Everywhere | Subway |
| Occupation: | Fat Olympic weightlifter | Fireman |
| Finest Achievement: | Lifted 500 pounds (OF PORK TO HIS FAT, FAT MOUTH) | Rescued a kitten from a tree |
| Darkest Day: | Sexed that transvestite | Not invited to that Subway picnic where all the former fatties played softball |
| Got Real Big On: | Babies and lard | Burgers and fries |
| Friend: | D-Lo Brown | Jared Fogle |
| Dated: | Chyna | Jared Fogle |
| Had Sex With: | His sister | Jared Fogle |
| Hated On By: | Jim Ross | The Next Mideon |
Final Analysis: Clay Henry is a fireman, so I assume he would do battle with the tools of the trade: axes, dalmations, and HIS INCREDIBLE, AWE-INSPIRING PATRIOTISM. However, Mark Henry knows Tiger Ali Singh, who in turn knows OMG OOZZAMMA. Except Mark to take a page from his beardy playbook and hide deep in the caves of Ohio Valley for 800 years. Clay will look for him for awhile, then get bored and eat so many Subway pizza subs that he becomes too obese to move. NO, CLAY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT THE LEAN ONES WITH TURKEY AND TOFU AND SHIT!!! I love me some pizza subs.
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | X-Pac | Xbox |
| Despised By: | Everyone | Everyone |
| Inferior To: | Everyone | GameCube, PS2, Virtual Boy, Minesweeper, Guess Who |
| Kicks High?: | He kicks high | She kicks high |
| Target Audience: | Stoners | Perverts |
| Power Source: | AN OVERSIZED HEART, KING! MAHGAWD | A MAXXXX Ultra-4592 processor or something |
| Runs On: | Love. And grease. And marijuana. | Bill Gates' mad Benjamins |
| Homosexual Overtones: | Performs the Bronco Buster | LMAO XBOXX IZ 4 FAGZZZ |
| Plays: | The Game of Never Jobbing, The Game of Leeching off Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, frisbee golf | Halo, Dead or Alive 3, many games I've never, ever heard of |
Final Analysis: While X-Pac is quicker than a hiccup, the Xbox is quite immobile. In a roundabout way, the gaming console's handicap could be an advantage. The Xbox is much more dense and compact than its opponent, allowing it to be used as a projectile weapon. Unfortunately, the only person available to throw the Xbox would be The Billion Dollar Princess Bill Gates, and you and I both know that he throws like a little girl. My theory is that X-Pac wins the fight by short circuiting the Xbox's processors with his greasy, greasy hair.
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Boss Man | Cookie Cop |
| Eats: | Dogs | Cookie Crisp |
| Wears: | Suit | Uniform |
| Workrate: | Very poor | Wrestled many 5-star matches in Japan |
| Digs Up Corpses: | Yes | Yes |
| Nationality: | Hick | Mick |
| Beats With Nightstick: | Wrestlers | Criminals and dogs |
| Mustache Powars: | No | Oh yes |
| Current Status: | No longer big, no longer a "bossman" | No longer exists |
Final Analysis: I miss the Cookie Cop and the Cookie Crook so much. It's a fucking travesty. Anyway, this battle is misleading. I believe that the Boss Man and Cookie Cop would get along famously. The Cop would beat that cookie thieving dog to death, and then the Boss Man would cook him. COOOOOOOOOOO-KIE CRISP. I even know that the dog is named "Chip". I am a horrible creetur.
Jesus Christ, all along I thought I was stealing that from Gollum, but I actually stole it from Dickens. Tricksy hobbits.
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | The Rock | The Doughboy |
| Strudel: | Flaky | Crusty |
| Giggles Girlishly?: | Yes | Yes |
| Ticklish: | Breasts | Tummy |
| Stars In: | The Scorpion King, The Mummy Returns | Various pornos |
| Made Out Of: | Beef | Yeast |
| Made Out With: | Trish Stratus | Aunt Jemima |
| Wishes He'd Made Out With: | Kevin Kelly | That Cheerios bee |
| Often Cosplays As: | A cow | A chef |
Final Analysis: BANG A GONG, WE ARE AWWWWWN. Strudel Battle promises to be a fierce competition. Let's just hope it can keep that promise, the lying hussy. Rock has the size advantage, but the Doughboy has, uh... baked goods. This is fucking stupid, The Rock wins.
I was going to do Vince McMahon versus Jim McMahon, but I don't think anybody would appreciate that but me. So let's go with...
| Competitor: |  |
 |
| Name: | Chris Jericho | This Thing |
| Finishing Maneuver: | Liontamer | Horrifying everyone to death |
| Nipples: | Large | Is that the goddamn Arc de Triumph on his shirt? |
| Nationality: | Canadian | French, I guess |
| Plays In A Crappy Band?: | Yes | God, I hope not |
| Red Hair: | Awesome | Decidedly less awesome |
| Teeth: | Many | One. One fat tooth. |
| Current Rival: | The Rock | ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE |
| Can Be Found In: | WWF rings | MY FUCKING NIGHTMARES |
Final Analysis: Good Lord. There's no way that Chris Jericho could beat that thing. A strike force consisting of Jesus, Superman, and the Panty Pals couldn't even win against that thing. IT EATS SOULS. I really don't want to look at it anymore, so this column is over.