My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-While Santa traditionally keeps "Naughty" and "Nice" lists, Chuck Palumbo has inspired a third: "Queer".

-As the reigning king of urination, William Regal can write his name in the snow in five different languages.

-Now that the Alliance has run its course, Tommy Dreamer makes ends meet touring the shopping malls as Gimpy, Santa's most crippled elf.

-I hear that Billy Gunn's recipe for "Christmas goose" is rather untraditional and does not involve pants.

-Crash Holly is expected to be released this Christmas after he drinks too much nog and crashes his razor scooter.

-It's rumored that this year's hot new toy will be the WWF's "Where's D-Lo?" activity book. "Where's Steve Blackman?" and "Where's Jerry Lynn?" are also available in case you're one of those racists.

-Note: For additional challenge, books do not actually contain pictures of D-Lo Brown, Steve Blackman, or Jerry Lynn.

-As opposed to ordinary caroling, Christ Jericho likes going door-to-door to show off his air guitar stylings.

-Al Snow desperately wants one of those robot dogs for Christmas, but don't get him one. He'll only eat it.

-This year's McMahon family Christmas card will feature more bare asses than ever before.

-20 years ago, all Test wanted for Christmas was his two front teeth. Be careful what you wish for.

-You'd think Rob Van Dam's "special" holiday brownies would contain marijuana, but they actually contain love.

As we enter the month of December, our thoughts invariably turn to Christmas, or Chanukah, or Kwanzaa, or Latinotime, or Buddhafest, or whatever the hell made-up holiday you celebrate. But we must remember that this special time is not all about Santas, or presents, or menorahs... Not about Gamecubes, or Gamecube games, or buying The Next Mideon a Gamecube and Gamecube games. There is A REASON FOR THE SEASON, as idiots like to say. Regardless of your race, religion, or sexual preference, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of our Lord, Christian.

I know it's kind of early for a Christmas story, but seriously folks, I got nuthin' else. The poisonous well I referred to in "Just" the Facts #13 has not only gone dry, but all its centipedes have moved to Arizona in celebration of the Diamondbacks' victory. Besides, I will be unavailable between December 19th and January 1st, as I plan to be bitching incessantly about inaccuracies in the Lord of the Rings movie.

The true story of Christian begins in the Holy Land, Toronto, Canada. In 1904, a young man named "Just" Joseph married a young lady named Terri Runnels. She was referred to as "The Virgin Terri", because her overall ugliness prevented her from ever having sex. The couple was a pious and humble lot, working hard to cultivate the snow or beer or whatever farmers grow in Canada. But SCANDAL STRUCK OMG! Terri magically became pregnant. Historians quickly dubbed this event the "immaculate reception", praising the Pittsburgh Steelers for their good work. Wait, that's not right... I think midichlorians were involved. That, or Edge just had sex with her.

"Just" Joseph didn't seem all that suspicious of this mystical pregnancy, probably because he was such a terrible alcoholic. However, there was one person who DID take notice: Canadian Prime Minister Alan Thicke. Famous for being a misogynist, Thicke was all "THERE AIN'T GON' BE NO PREGNANT BITCHES UP IN MAH TURF, CAPISCE?" And so he evicted the newlyweds from their love shack. They loaded what meager possessions they had onto their trusty moose and set out to find shelter from the harsh Canadian monsoons.

Alas, there was no room at the Ramada Inn. The couple continued to be turned away from every other lodging they tried... That is, until they reached a flamboyant, electric blue monstrosity known only as The Smackdown Hotel. While this inn also had no vacancies, the kindly owner offered Joseph and Terri a special arrangement in exchange for "strudel".

This special arrangement turned out to be lodging in a nearby igloo. Meager accommodations to be certain, but the young marrieds were relieved to escape the fierce Canadian sandstorms. And so it came to be that the expectant mother of Christian was forced to lay in the ice amongst the igloo's other occupants: polar bears, beavers, penguins, and a few Eskimos.

There they remained for 30 days and 30 nights, safe from the raging Canadian volcanos. The igloo's residents coexisted peacefully, except for this one time when the beavers gnawed "Just" Joseph's arm off. Oh yeah, a fistfight also broke out when one of the penguins wanted to rent Batman Returns but the Eskimos were like "Fuck that noize". And rightfully so.

Finally, the big day arrived. Terri went into labor on December 25, 1988. After a few hours of excruciating pain, baby Christian came shooting out at a high rate of speed. He was covered in blood, courtesy of The Brood. Also covered in blood was baby Ken Shamrock, who came rocketing out of Terri's innards to question Christian on the whereabouts of Stephanie McMahon. Shamrock was "in the zone", but "Just" Joseph averted disaster by quickly stuffing him back inside Terri's womb.

Baby Christian was swathed in a yellow t-shirt and lain in a manger, which is what they used to call valets back in Ye Olde Thymes. Sparkling lights dropped down from the ceiling and shrieked CHRISTIAAAAAN. As if by devil powar, the citizens of Canada could sense that their new savior had been born. Joyous chants rose up across the land, chants of "Slut" and "Shane's a pussy" and "You fucked up". People traveled from miles around to see the son of God and photograph him during one of his five-second poses.

But none of young Christian's visitors were as "over" as The Four Horsemen. At the time of the child's birth, these four gentlemen were busy tending their sheep or being kings of the Orient or whatever. They were informed of Christian's arrival into the world by Northstar, the openly gay superhero from Alpha Flight. Initially, it appeared that the Horsemen didn't give a fuck, but then Dean Malenko had an epiphany. "DUDE!" he exclaimed. "This guy's, like... Jesus an' shit. We'd better get in on the ground floor on this one." "BLING BLING!" replied Christ Benoit. And so it was decided.

Not wanting to show up empty-handed, the Horsemen bought gifts at Wal-Mart for $4.99 or less. Actually, I don't know if Canada has Wal-Marts, so let's say they went to Electronics Boutique. They purchased all the essential items that no supernatural newborn should be without. Ric Flair came bearing Frankenberry, Benoit offered EUROPEAN Gold, and Dean Malenko had Myrrh. There's just no jokes that you can make out of Myrrh, gang. I don't know what Mongo brought. Probably sodas, 'cuz sodas rule.

Their offerings in hand, this determined foursome began a harrowing journey. They traveled across thousands of kilometres, braving the deadly Canadian meteor showers. Although they had little money to fund their trip, the Horsemen were an ingenious group. They earned their bus fare to Toronto by performing sexual favors and singing barbershop quartet, sometimes simultaneously. The dulcet tones of Dean Malenko soon took them to the door of Christian's holy igloo.

The Horsemen burst inside without knocking, as was their wont. They ingratiated themselves to Christian with their gifts, ensuring that he would grant their wishes and turn their water into diamonds or commemorative plates or whatever. Man, I love my "or whatever" joke. A merry time was had by all, up until Mongo threatened an umpire and was asked to leave. The generous beasts who had shared their home with young Christian had their own unique treasures to offer. The polar bears presented him with terrible Coca-Cola commercials, the beavers with Planters' peanuts, and the penguins with, of course, LUNIX. The Eskimos gave Christian pie, which the proprietor of the Smackdown Hotel would later take an unusual interest in.

So that, dear reader, is why we give presents on Christianmas. Sadly, most of the characters in our story would later die in the infamous Canadian robot/ninja wars. Christian survived to have many wacky adventures, but those are stories for another day. Like the time he healed the leopards, or the time the Undertaker tried to crucify him on a symbol, and the Dudleyz were all "CRUCIFYYYY", but he was saved by his father Edge and his molesting uncle Gangrel.

I hope you have been both informed and offended by this famous Bible story. The fee for having read it is $400.