My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-"The Hurricane" used to have a last name, but it appears that he has lost it in some sort of horrible accident. Godspeed, Hurricane.
-Rumor has it that Kanyon's "I'm better than you" finisher is in jeopardy, as management thinks the name is too silly.
-Currently, the leading choice for a new title is "This wrestling move is the best wrestling move, which is to say that it is better than all the other wrestling moves, up to and including the wrestling move which you prefer to use to finish off opponents in the squared circle. In conclusion, it will cause you to be pinned for the three count, I guarantee it."
-Despite all the money he's made, The Rock still prefers to eat out of dumpsters.
-In his spare time, Jim Ross likes to visit sick children in the hospital. AND KIDNAP THEM!!!
-If you ask me, it's more like..... BAD Ol' J.R. 0WNED!
-Chris Jericho has been lobbying to change his entrance theme to a selection from the Kidz' Bop CD. That music really gets him pumped!!!
-Following the success of other wrestling autobiographies, The Big Show plans to release his own, tentatively titled "HAMBUGERS YUMMMMMMMMM".
-"Just" Joe says he saw X-Pac making out with Lance Storm. Swear to god.
-Booker T is a three-time (THREE-TIME!) sex offender.
-The real reason Kronik was fired? They wouldn't even share their stash, dude. Heinous!
-If you Kronik guys are reading this, "Just" Joe said that he could hook you up with jobs down at the pier. Just remember the dockworker's motto: "You don't have to be homosexual to work here, but it helps!"
Once again, I'll be digging into the vault to provide a new edition of a "Just" the Facts classic. This is due to the fact that this particular segment received such overwhelming positive feedback the first time around, and not just because I can't think of anything new. Not at all. So here is another look at an integral part of wrestling history: THE GUERRERO FAMILY TREE.
Grandma Guerrero: The matriarch of the Guerrero clan. She weighs in at appromixately 6,000 pounds, with an advanced age of 300 years. She keeps all the Guerrero men in line through the use of beatings and the threat of more beatings to come. Chavo Guerrero once had to apologize to Grandma on national television. Oh man, he got such a beating. You may think that Grandma Guerrero looks Asian, but it is ANCIENT MEXICAN SECRET!
Mondo Guerrero: I'll level with you, I don't really know who this is. It may actually be "Mando", but I like Mondo better. I just heard Eddy mention the name in one of his crazy latino rants. With a name like Mondo, you know he's got to be totally rad to the max. Mondo Guerrero probably skateboards to the ring and lights up a big fat joint. I was going to use a picture of Mondo Gecko of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame, but I couldn't find a suitable one. Just think of all the Grade-A Funny you missed out on.
Hector Guerrero: The embarrassment of the family, Hector is really bald and really fat. Having retired from wrestling, he now works down at the gas station. I once heard that he was the guy in the Gobbledygooker suit. Christ. I submit to the reader that no one named "Hector" has ever contributed anything good to the world. Let's move on.
Gory Guerrero: GOAR! Jesus, who named these people? I don't know much about Gory either, because I wasn't born in TEH RORING TWENTIES!!!! Haha, I totally burned that deceased wrestling legend. Anyway, I guess Gory is Eddy's dad. He originated the Gory Special, which includes the short stack, two eggs, two sausages, and your choice of drink.
Eddy Guerrero: The shining star of all Guerreros. He lounges around on the turnbuckles a lot. OH THOSE LAZY MEXICANS! There's just so much to tell about Eddy. An international controversy rages about whether his name is spelled "Eddy" or "Eddie". I'm electing to use "Eddy", because "Eddie" looks queer. Anyway, Eddy grew up on the mean streets of El Paso, Texas, where everyone wears a giant sombrero and sleeps in the road. He didn't graduate high school, much like myself and anyone else from Texas, including our President. Eddy did get his G.E.D, but I think he CHEATED TO WIN. He was the founding member of the LWO, Latinos With Attitude. (Attitude is spelled with an O in Mexico). LWO was the country's most famous boy band ever, cranking out such hits as "Yo Tengo It That Way" and "Adios, Adios, Adios". Sadly, LWO split when charter member El Dandy (aka E.D.) hit the tequila. Eddy fortunately had wrestling to fall back on. He is currently employed by the WWF, although he is in rehabilitation for Pepto Bismol addiction. Lay off the PB, kids.
Juventud Guerrero: The effeminate member of the family. In fact, he's so effiminate that Grandma Guerrero made him change the last letter of his name to the more sissified "a". BUT DON'T BE FOOLED! Juventud is a Guerrero through and through. He began his American career in WCW as Villano XVI. This means Violinist #72, for those of you unfamiliar with the Spanish language. Juventud wore a mask, but he lost it after about three days since WCW HATES MEXICANS. On a tour to Australia, Juventud took too many drugs, got naked, and had sex with a kangaroo. BLIMEY, MATE! This resulted in the termination of his WCW contract. Juventud currently hangs around with some guy named Ray Mysterious Jr. and begs for work.
Chavo Guerrero:The youngest of the wrestling Guerreros, Chavo quickly made a name for himself by pretending to be crazy. His name may be Chavo, but you can call him CHAVITO to prove that you are a smark. His career accomplishments include shaving his own head and having his stick horse killed by Norman Smiley. I think maybe Chavo then killed Norman to get his revenge, because Norman sure isn't around any more. Chavo went hunting for Eddies once, but I don't think he caught any. This one time, Chavo was wrestling Stevie Ray, and he sprayed him with a Super Soaker. Despite what wrestling purists might tell you, this was the best match ever. Chavo is currently employed by the WWF just like his uncle. He's not addicted to anything yet, unless never appearing on television is addicting.