My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Most people aren't aware of the fact that Tajiri's green mist contains SPERM. HOTT HOTT FACIALS OMG

-I've just been told that "Hurricane" Helms was brutally attacked by Solomon Grundy. Solomon Grundy want pants, too.

-Sadly, Perry Saturn learned over the weekend that Moppy was sexually assaulted and left for dead.

-Rob Van Dam likes to wear pretty butterfly barrettes in his hair.

-The milk truck Kurt Angle drove several weeks back? Paul Heyman had sex with it. Oh, that wacky autophile!

-Despite being a fat hillbilly, Bradshaw is quite successful in the stock market. This will soon lead to a new gimmick: Irwin R. Schyster 2001!!!

-THIS IS THE SOUND OF ME MARKING OUT!!!

-Shawn Stasiak accidentally charged into the ocean and died. We'll miss you, Shawn. A little.

-Rumor has it that William Regal has contracted a congenital genital defect.

-While K-Kwik is an accomplished rapper, I hear that he has even more experience as a raper.

-Steven Richards may be a class act, but don't drop your pants in front of him.

Two random observations:

If there was a hair dye called "Just for Joe", I'd buy it.

I think that the funniest joke ever would be, like, if there was a TV show or a movie or something, right, and some guy said something about "a chink in the armor". And then some Chinese guy would come walking through in a suit of armor. See, that would be funny, because it's racist. I feel that the Big Show would agree with me on this.

Note: For the first time ever, this segment contains a recycled concept from a previous edition of "Just" the Facts. If you were a wrestling announcer, you might say that I went to the well one too many times. However, it would be more accurate to say that I never should have gone to his particular well in the first place, as its water is poisonous, and it is infested with centipedes.

Self-proclaimed screenwriter Scott Keith ain't got nuthin' on me. In fact, my first play was posted on June 12th, long before he ever got his idea to have Bruce Campbell fight some Nazis or whatever. Just another case of Good Ol' TNM being ripped off. Regardless, here is my second piece of work. Please enjoy "Thugboat: Exciting and New", a play by The Next Mideon.

This masterful story has received rave reviews from myself and from that other guy over there (myself). It is the 100% accurate account of how the Tazz family came to America. It is a tale of hardship, and of woe. But maybe... just maybe... you'll discover that there's a little bit of Tazz in us all.

THE TIME: During the Great Depression. So 1973, or whenever.

THE PLACE: NU YAWK, home of Vince Russo.

THE CAST:
Papa Tazz - Wears orange fez.
Mama Tazz - Has moustache.
Baby Tazz - Wears orange diaper. Has tiny towel on head ^_^
Thugboat - Thugboat. Orange.
"Lips" Malone - Famous gangbanger X-pac. Wears pinstriped suit. Greasy.
Mugsy - Albert. Hairy.
Jimbo Rossini - Italian stereotype.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Likes to PARTAY DOWN! Crippled.

[Opening Act: Thugboat bounces across the ocean as that "Lowrider" song plays. The Tazz family is on board. The Statue of Liberty can be seen in the background]

Papa Tazz: BAAAHAHAHA! America! Here we will start a new life! A thug life! BAAAAAHAHAHAHA!

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA BABUSHKA

Baby Tazz: [vomits]

Papa Tazz: She's my thug wife! BAAAHAWAHAWHAAHWAHAWHAW!

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA FALAFEL

Baby Tazz: [spits up]

Thugboat: T00T T00T

[Act 1: Immigration Naturalization... uh, Registration... whatever]

"Lips" Malone: Nyah, see? What country are you people from, anyway? Nyah.

Papa Tazz: THUGSYLVANIA! BAAHWAHWAHAHAWAHAHAHAHAHAH! RED HOOK SECTION!

Malone: Then why are you all orange? Nyah.

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA MUTASHAWN

Malone: Nyah?

Papa Tazz: BLAGAHAHARAGAGAHAHAAGAHA!

Malone: Nyah.

Baby Tazz: [barfs out thug bread]

Malone: Nyah! This country's already got all the orange immigrants that it can stands, see? Nyah.

FDR: [rolls in] Where be tha wheelchair ramp up in dis piece, muthabitches?

[Act 2: Out in a back alley for some reason.]

FDR: Yo yo yo, somebody 'bout to throw down, dawg!

Malone: They ain't gotta look at us like that! Let's send 'em back where they came from, Mugsy! Nyah!

Mugsy: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Papa Tazz: SUUURVIIIVE IF I LETTTT YOOOUUU!

FDR: Let's get BIZ-ZAY up in this HIZ-ZAY!

Malone: Give 'em the lead piercing, see? Nyah!

Mugsy: [fires Tommy Gun] YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

Papa Tazz: [as he is riddled by bullets] BAHAHABABAHAHABAHABAHA! SHIT! BAWHAHAHAGHAAHGAGAHAGA!

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA EXIT WOUND

Papa Tazz: [falls over] BHABAHABABABAHABHAHAHA! OUCH!

[Papa Tazz pulls Baby Tazz close]

Papa Tazz: BAHAHAAHA! [cough] I'm dyin', son! Avenge my death! BAMAGHAHAMAHAHA! [wheeze]

Baby Tazz: [sucks thumb]

Papa Tazz: Everything's goin' orange! Come closer, boy! Closer!

[There is a poignant pause as a loving father imparts his dying words to his son]

Papa Tazz: BAHAGBABAHAABEHABAEEBABAEJABAHEKAXQ!!! [dies]

FDR: Dis be some fucked up shit right heah, money.

[The orange fires of rage burn behind Baby Tazz's beady eyes. Suddenly, he speaks his first words]

Baby Tazz: MORE TAZZ VICTIMS!

[Tiny Baby Tazz leaps onto the back of "Lips" Malone]

Jimbo Rossini: [materializes] MAMA MIA, KING! THE KATAHAJIME! MAMA MIA!

Malone: Hey, I'm gettin' choked out ovah heah! Nyah!

Mugsy: YAAAAAHHHHHHH! [runs away]

Rossini: SHUTTUPA YOU FACE! HE'S-A RUNNIN' LIKE A SCALDED DOG-A!

Malone: Nyah! This ain't no good! [dies]

[Baby Tazz suplexes the corpse of Malone a few times]

Rossini: T-BONE! RAVIOLI! MUSSOLINI!

FDR: Awwwwwww yeah, little bro! Now dat's how we handle our bidness up in tha U S of A! It's time to turn dis mutha out!

[Flashing disco lights transform the dark alley into Dance Party U.S.A. Blaring music is played. It's that one annoying song that goes "CELLLLLLLLLEEEBRAAATE GOOD TIMES, C'MON"]

FDR: [rises from his wheelchair to dance the cabbage patch]

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA HOEDOWN

[Baby Tazz, Mama Tazz, FDR, and Rossini all shake their groove thangs. Malone and Papa Tazz just kinda lay there]

FDR: Raise tha roof, bizznatches!

[Unexpectedly, the music stops. Everyone grows serious as Jimbo Rossini turns to face the camera]

Rossini: Remember, bambinos! Don't take-a the drugs! [thumbs up]

Mama Tazz: JUST ANUTHA PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Baby Tazz: Thugs, not drugs!

[Everyone shares a hearty sitcom laugh as the curtain falls]

FIN.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Young Tazz grew up to be a fine American citizen. All throughout his youth he worked in a coal mine to support his mother, because FDR felt that child labor was "tha bomb biggity, homeslice". FDR and Mama Tazz got to mackin' and produced many crippled, orange children. One day, Tazz shined the shoes of a bulbous gentleman named Paul Heyman. Soon he was a wrestling SUPARSTAR. And that's... the way it is.