My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Where does an 8,000 pound Big Show sleep? WITH UR M0MZ0RZ!!!

-It's rumored that Essa Rios has 6 eyes! This could neither be confirmed nor denied.

-Hugh Morrus looks exactly like a fat Billy Gunn. Seriously, look at him.

-While the Godfather once conducted the Ho Train, he now prefers the Man Train.

-Item! X-pac sucks! He's also gay!

-Steve Austin was expelled from Stone Cold University for sleeping with his students.

-Hardcore Holly crashed his vehicle into the stands at a recent NASCAR event, killing 8 and critically injuring 11. Shucks! Better luck next time, "Sparky"!

-This one time, Matt Hardy had SEX with a GIRL! YUCKY COOTIES!

-Steve Blackman has been absent from WWF TV because he is in Alabama, recovering from beard surgery.

-The Undertaker used to play bass in the creepy animatronic robot band at Chuck E. Cheese.

-Booker T's momma so stupid, when the doctor told her she had gonorrhea, she went out and bought some Pepto Bismol! LOL!

-I did, in fact, just say that.

"J.R. needs Pepto"? I had my Pepto reference written long before you, J.R.! MY REFERENCE! ME! GOOD OL' TNM! Everybody rips me off.

Last Monday on RAW, Lance Storm showed his total lack of respect for the wrestling industry by speaking out against the value of midgets. He also showed his terrible bigotry toward black people and short people, but that's another column altogether!

Midgets are a cornerstone of the wrestling business. The World Wrestling Federation was built on the blood, sweat, and tears of midgets. All Lance Storm did was show his total lack of class. Really, to kick that poor, heroic midget in the face! Geez Lance, did he write a list rating the top 100 workers in the world or something???

I admit, certain midgets (VERN TROYER) are giving their colleagues a bad name, but their contributions to the wrestling world cannot be ignored. Because I PAY MY DUES, here is a list of all the sacrifices midgets have made for us. Please note that I will be using Scott Keith style *'s, as the -'s have too much backstage pull here at "Just" the Facts and they are refusing to job to anyone.

R.I.P. midgets. You died so that we might live.

* Before there were ringposts, there were MIDGETS.

* Before there were steel steps, there were MIDGETS ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES.

* Before there were ring ropes, there were LONG, THIN, STRETCHY MIDGETS.

* 61 MIDGETS died during the construction of the new Smackdown(!) set.

* 8 MIDGETS drowned during the preparation of Kurt Angle's milk truck.

* Mick Foley once purchased the services of Max Mini, a MIDGET, for cold, hard cash. SLAVERY IS WRONG, YO

* William Regal once suplexed two of Al Snow's MIDGET friends. Those MIDGETS are DEAD now. DEAD.

* During the peak of his career, Scott Steiner ate 3 MIDGETS a day.

* All of Jake Roberts' snakes were fed a diet of MIDGETS.

* The Big Show is really nothing more than 5 sweaty, overworked, underpaid MIDGETS in a fat suit.

* D'Lo Brown broke the necks of 19 MIDGETS before they let him practice on Droz.

* When not in his wheelchair, Droz rides a chariot pulled by a team of MIDGETS.