My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-I've heard that Booker T is planning to axe his doctor if Rogaine is right for him.

-Now that Tazz betrayed him, Michael Cole has vowed never to love another man again.

-Except in the gay way, that's still okay.

-The word on the street is that Jonathan Coachman may be defecting to WCW! Say it ain't so, Coach!!!

-I've been told that Chilly Willy tried to rejoin ECW, but was SNUBBED. I, for one, am OUTRAGED!

-Shawn Stasiak has an entire closet of nothing but little pink underpanties.

-Jerry Lynn would have been asked to join ECW, but... hahaha, sorry, I'll be serious.

-Those pants Mike Awesome wanted still haven't been made. What the hell kind of company is this?

-While Sean O'Haire is a "young stud", and Billy Kidman is a "blue chipper", Chuck Palumbo is just a "fucking retard".

-THIS IS A JOKE ABOUT ROB VAN DAM. HE IS A FAN OF DOPE. YES, I MEAN POT. HE LIKES TO SMOKE THE WEED. IN CONCLUSION, ROB VAN DAM ENJOYS TOKING ON A FATTY. MARIJUANA, THAT IS!

-Tommy Dreamer squares off against Droz at the Invasion pay-per-view in a battle for cripple supremacy! Set those VCRS!

-Come on Droz, you goddamn slacker! The WWF needs you! Stand up and walk! STAND UP LIKE FREDDIE BLASSIE!!!

Speaking of goddamn slackers, I wanted to put as little effort as possible into this segment but still produce "funny" (or a reasonable facsimile). The babelfish route is played out, so here are a bunch of stupid wrestler anagrams. Please enjoy these dubious sexual innuendoes.

The Undertaker: KNEAD HER UTTER

Steve Austin: STEVE IS TUNA

Chris Kanyon: HORNY IN SACK

Dean Malenko: A KEEN OLD MAN

Tommy Dreamer: MEET MY RAMROD

Chris Benoit: SENIOR BITCH

"Just" Joe: JOE JUST(!!!)

The Next Mideon: DON'T HE EXIT MEN Or, alternatively...

The Old Mideon: I'D DO HOTEL MEN

And finally, to put this segment in perspective...

Hugh Morrus: HUMOR? SHRUG