My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-When translated to English, Essa Rios' name means "Groin Grabber".

-It's been said that X-Pac was once fired from Steak N' Shake because he refused to call them "steakburgers". But it may have been because he was spitting on the food.

-Faarooq totally drives a Ford Pinto!

-The Undertaker has taken up charity work in order to work out his aggression in a positive manner. He's been feeding the homeless... SOUPBONES! LOLOL!

-WWF diva Lita has emerged as a positive role model, having inspired many young women to get GIANT, HIDEOUS, DEFORMING TATTOOS.

-Haku was recently traded to a small child for a Pokemon trading card (Seel), a pack of Juicy Fruit chewing gum, and 2 pogs. The WWF is wishing him luck in his future endeavors.

-It's rumored that Tajiri does NOT have his pets spayed or neutered. THE MONSTER!

-In some sad news, Buh-Buh Ray Dudley was required to get braces and is worried that he isn't pretty anymore.

-It seems that Jerry Lynn's picture has been appearing on the sides of milk cartons nationwide. When asked for comment, a WWF representative replied, "Who?".

-Discovering he had forgotten his wallet, Vince McMahon was forced to use Steve Austin's soul to pay for the "Big Kid's Meal" he ordered at McDonald's.

-I have it on good authority that Albert now enjoys shaving his entire body. ALL of it. Every INCH.

-How does "Just" Joe know this, you ask? Mind y'bidness.

Ever since he showed us the joys of massive head trauma, Perry Saturn has wriggled his way into our hearts. While this is all well and good for Saturn, there are other less utilized WWF Superstars who are in need. I believe the World Wrestling Federation is still overlooking an untapped goldmine of humor: debilitating injuries. So in this segment I will propose some vignettes featuring more hilarious pain and suffering.

"Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm hunting FAGETS!!!1" - Oh, those wacky good ol' boys the Acolytes are at it again! After a quick stop at The Friendly Tap, they seem to have taken a detour and gone hunting in the rugged Rhode Island wilderness. But when Bradshaw chugs a few and removes his ugly orange hunting vest, hilarity ensues! Watch as Faarooq mistakes his partner for a fat Texan deer and shoots him repeatedly in the torso! Uh-oh! Bradshaw can milk the crowd for more laffs by bleeding and/or moaning. The climax comes when he kicks back another brew, only to have it spurt out of the many puncture wounds in his body like a sprinkler! Will those boys never learn?

"CANCER" - Dean Malenko gets cancer. I won't bore you with the same tired old list of cancer jokes that you've all heard a million times. I'm sure you already know just how funny cancer can be! (Note: may provide for extra giggles if he contracts breast cancer. BECAUSE MEN DO NOT HAVE TEH BOOBIES!!!)

"Da Mummy!" - The Famous Rock's current gimmick is just so tedious. The guy can't draw at all anymore. This is why the WWF needs to take a page from Rocky's movies to freshen his character. Upon his return, The Rock could slip on a banana peel dropped by that zany prankster Kevin Kelly! Upon falling down 12 flights of stairs, Rock is placed in a full-body cast to complete his transformation into Da Mummy! Catchphrases such as "Idth duddnth muddrer wuth yur neem idth!" are sure to take the wrestling world by storm.

"Tales from the Cripple" - Come on WWF, this one's already set up for you. It's right under your nose! Look at Droz! No, seriously, look at him. He's in a wheelchair, isn't he? He appears to have already suffered a life-threatening injury, doesn't he? That's GOLD, baby! So run with it! Have vignettes where Droz can't reach things and has to call for assistance. Or enter him in the Special Olympics or something. I don't know, I'm out of good Droz material.