My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!

-Scandal! Rhyno was just caught playing Magic: The Gathering. Hahahaha, dork!

-Does Spike Dudley have superpowers? Yeah, probably.

-The boys in the back are saying that a former WWF SUPERSTAR has been showing up backstage to recent television tapings. We'll keep you up to date.

-It's just Stasiak? Oh.

-Word on the street is that Steven Richards injured his arm at a house show. While masturbating.

-Dean Malenko doesn't believe in using condoms.

-The Big Show will be attending a surprise autograph session in Dallas, as soon as he learns how to spell his name and stop devouring children.

-TAKA Michinoku was deeply offended by the portrayal of the Japanese in the recent "Pearl Harbor" movie. He plans to protest by bombing some whiteys.

-It seems egos are running rampant in the locker room, as two of the biggest WWF stars continue to clash at every opportunity. Will Howard Finkel and Michael Cole ever see eye to eye?

-Triple H is getting his injured quadricep back into shape by KICKING BABY ANIMALS.

-Rikishi is getting his injured shoulder back into shape by EATING BABY ANIMALS.

-Tazz suffered a broken toe this week when Droz rolled over his foot. Expect a heated feud.

Concerning the recent controversy, there may be some newer wrestling fans who do not understand how relations between the Hart family and Vince McMahon became so strained. For them, I have prepared this 100% accurate learning aid: "A Dark Day in Saskatoon", a play by The Next Mideon.

[Opening Act: Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels stand in a Canadian airport]

Hart: Duhhhhh, I am the World Champeen!

Michaels: I'm just a sexy boy.

Hart: I will go to WCW to wield rubber shovels and oftentimes be kicked in the head!

Michaels: I'm not your boy toy.

Hart: Look at my shiny belt! I rather like it, I do, Guvna!

Michaels: I will take your belt away, "Sparky" Plugg! I mean, Bret Hart!

Hart: This is CANADA and you are just a TEXAS FAG. You may not have my belt, hillbilly!

Michaels: We will see what one Mister Vince McMahon has to say about that, greasy!

[Gunfight ensues to close Act 1]

[Act 2: Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels plot secretly in some Canadian arena]

McMahon: I'm Vince McMahon, dammit!

Michaels: My smile appears to be missing. Give me a belt, PLZ.

McMahon: I wish I had some steroids.

Michaels: I have some steroids.

McMahon: Congratulations, Herbert Hickenbottom! You will be the new champion of Canada!

[The two shake hands, but Bret Hart bursts into the room]

Hart: NO! I was going to give my belt to Jim Neidhart on RAW! This wasn't the deal, Vince! This wasn't the DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!

[Act 3: In the ring]

Fans: Canada es numero uno! Bret Hart is better than Jesus!

Stu Hart: I am very old.

Owen Hart: I am still alive.

Bret Hart: I must win for Canada! And for my family! [Russian leg sweep]

Michaels: .....

Hart: [Russian leg sweep]

Michaels: ...

Hart: [Russian leg sweep]

Michaels: .

McMahon: [cups ear] Did Bret Hart just say that he submitted? YES HE DID I THINK HE DID!

[The bell rings. Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels escape with the title belt like THIEVES in the NIGHT.]

Hart: God damn it! This is all your fault, Earl Hebner!

[Bret Hart shoots and kills Earl Hebner before pursuing McMahon]

[Act 4: In the bowels of the arena. Heh. Bowels.]

McMahon: He's gaining on us, Shawn! Feet don't fail me now!

Michaels: [girlish shriek]

Hart: I KEEL YOU! I KEEL AFRYBODY!

[McMahon and Michaels suddenly turn to face Hart]

McMahon: You'll never take us alive, see? Nyah, see? NYAH!

Hart: This time... it's personal.

[Hart pumps round after round of hot, searing lead into Shawn Michaels. His bullet riddled body smashes through a plate glass window and falls 10 stories to the street below.]

Hart: WHO'S NEXT?!

[Goldberg suddenly emerges from behind a box and kicks Bret Hart in the head. Hart is apparently dead.]

McMahon: VINCE MACK-MAHON PICKS A WINNAR!

[McMahon and Goldberg flee Canada with the title belt, running for freedom... nay, running for their VERY LIVES.]

FIN.

And the rest, as they say, is history. Zombie Shawn Michaels and Zombie Earl Hebner stayed with the WWF. Bret Hart would go on to WCW and make a fine career out of being kicked in the head. Vince McMahon made both a lot of money and a lot of shitty football leagues. And that's... the way it is.