My longtime life-partner "Just" Joe was recently released from the World Wrestling Federation. Now he works down at the docks capturing clams for 10 cents each. While not as glamorous as you might think, this occupation allows "Just" Joe to tap into the pulse of the wrestling world. Because he loves you, and because I gave him five dollars, "Just" Joe has given me the following saucy rumors to relate! He heard them from sailors and prostitutes!!!
-Jerry Lynn is really a robot! A soulless, godless robot.
-Kurt Angle nearly landed a record deal for his rap stylings, but the bottom fell out when it was discovered that he is white. Oh, Kurt, you trickster!
-Matt Hardy has 50 Bentleys in the West Indies. Paul Heyman wants to have sex with 37 of them. More on this as it comes in.
-Edge murders puppies for sport! IT IS GOD'S TRUTH.
-Chris Benoit held his birthday party at McDonald's this past Monday. A good time was had by all. Chris really enjoyed the ball pit, if you catch my meaning!
-It sounds like Sho Funaki is in the running for the cast of Temptation Island 2! Wish the little guy luck!
-At birth, X-Pac's full name was "Genitals McGee". But he changed it.
-The Undertaker held a barbecue in his "yard" over the weekend, but "Just" Joe wasn't invited. Total asshole.
-From all accounts, Shane McMahon smells like cinnamon. Yum!
-Chris Jericho ordered a "Monster Booty" CD from his television and is really enjoying it.
-Perry Saturn thought he saw an alien last week, but it was just someone with Down's syndrome.
-It's fucking hard to catch clams!
"Bullet" Bob Armstrong: Born in 1894, "Bullet" Bob was the patriarch of the Armstrong brood. Of course, "Armstrong" was just a fake stage name, taken from a Hebrew word meaning "he who is strong of arm". Bob fathered 18 children, all of whom he trained in his "dungeon" in Georgia. Bob probably wrestled in the NWA or one of those other ancient southern promotions, alongside such wrestling greats as Snoop "Doggy" Dogg, and "Doctor Dre" Steve Williams. Hard-fought victories over Curt Hennig's dad, Bobby Duncum Junior's dad, and Giant Gonzales' dad were "Bullet" Bob's claims to fame. But now he's dead.
Brad Armstrong: "Bullet" Bob begat Brad. Brad Armstrong was famous for winning a lot of titles that were just pretend. (Example: The Arkansas Valley Wrestling middleweight western states championship) He eventually left Arkansas to join WCW. His first gimmick was that of "The Candyman", who I assume was a wrestling pedophile. Next came "Arachna-Man", which was NOTHING AT ALL like Spiderman. Following these silly characters, Brad complained of "The Armstrong Curse". ("The Armstrong Curse" = impotence) Brad's big break came a few years ago, when he joined the No Limit Soldiers as "B.A.". This gimmick entailed Brad liking milk a lot and being afraid to fly in an airplane. Every week, fellow No Limit Soldier "2 x 4" (Jim Duggan) would drug B.A's milk and force him into a plane against his will. When Master P. (Vince Carter) joined the Toronto Raptors, the Soldiers were disbanded. Since his brother Brian did so much coke, Brad then became the drug loving Buzzkill. Besides wearing a tye-dyed shirt and jobbing to Madusa a lot, Buzzkill did little of note. Following the sale of WCW, Brad Armstrong did the only thing he could to prevent his family's dishonor: he committed the ancient Japanese act of Harry Caray and took his own life. Holy cow!
Steve Armstrong: "Bullet" Bob also begat Steve. He wrestled in WCW as "Stunning" Steve Armstrong for about 30 years. The pinnacle of his career came when he teamed with the late Renegade to form the "Hollywood Blondes". Other than that, Steve never did anything worthwhile again. Oh, except one time he and his asswipe brother defeated Raven in a handicap match. I was pissed. Current status = homeless.
Scott Armstrong: "Bullet" Bob begat Scott, as well. Damn, he begattin' it AWN! HAHAHAHAHA... Ahem. Scott is Steve's aforementioned asswipe brother. Because he was such a bad wrestler, he became WCW referee Scott James. Stevie Ray always made fun of him because he was such a shitty referee. Heh. Current status = alcoholic.
"Stretch" Armstrong: Some evil conglomerate begat Stretch Armstrong. Stretch rounds out the triple threat of "S" Armstrongs. He is the black sheep of the family, since he chose to stray from the family business. I think he was recalled for being responsible for the deaths of a lot of children. Life lesson: wrestling is slightly better than murder. He also had a weiner dog whose name escapes me. Current status = unknown.
Brian "Jesse" "Armstrong" James: You might say, "The Next Mideon! This is a WWF oriented website, and none of those guys were in the WWF!" And I might say, "Shut up." The crown jewel of the Armstrong family, "The Road Dogg" Brian James was actually in the WWF. I don't know who begat him, but I bet he smoked a lot of crack. In the business, Brian ended up keeping his real name of James because he was tru 2 da streetz. Except everybody just called him Road Dogg because "Jesse James" sounded so gay. He entered the WWF as "The Roadie" or "The Real Double J" or some bullshit like that. I don't think anyone watched the WWF at this time, and that certainly includes me. Eventually, Road Dogg met up with Billy Gunn and formed a tag team based on their mutual love of drugs and short shorts. Lo and behold, it was a match made in poor-workrate heaven. They held the tag team championships approximately 36 time! s and put on a bunch of terrible matches. Road Dogg once wore a t-shirt which read "Look Ma, no curse". This obviously proves that Road Dogg is, in fact, capable of erection, and he was trying to make this point clear to his mother. His greatest achievement was the time he put an old man in a dumpster and pushed him off a cliff. While hosting Sunday Night Heat, Road Dogg was approached by a lovable young vagrant with stars in his eyes and a song in his heart. Of course, this was K-Kwik, and he and Road Dogg formed an unbeatable team. They laid down some phat beats for about a week until Road Dogg was caught sniffing markers and given his release from the WWF. He is currently someone's indentured servant.