FATTY VALLEY!


You rescued Maven for whatever reason. You stole a shipment of Stacker-2 back when it had that heart attack inducing stuff. But this time you shall champion a far nobler cause. Your mission is to infiltrate the valley of the damned. You are to breach the crack security of Ohio Valley Wrestling and emancipate the poor, oppressed fatties. May God have mercy on us all.

But no one could accomplish such a feat alone. Using your far-reaching criminal connections, you've OMG GOTTEN THE BAND BACK TOGETHER, JOLIET JAKE!!! Meet your big fat goon squad:



Codename - Tazz: Loyal Tazz reprises his role as your right hand. Your very small, orange right hand. I think you must have a birth defect or something. Tazz brings a gritty sense of realism to your team by being 2 feet tall and failing at everything.
Specialty: Laughing
Strengths: Wearing a towel on his head, Saying "What da hell?"
Weaknesses: Stickball, Marbles




Codename - Rey Mysterio Jr.: WHO IS THAT MASKED MAN??? SURELY HE HAS NEVER REMOVED HIS MASK!!! Shrouded in an aura of mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a tortilla, Rey Mysterio Jr. is a newcomer to your squad. His diminutive frame allows him to reach places that even Tazz cannot, such as the inside of your nostril or the inside of your... other nostril.
Specialty: Being 4 years old
Strengths: Area codes, Wearing a fishbowl on his head
Weaknesses: Venom, The Green Goblin, Doc Ock




Codename - Three Minute Warning: These three freelancers are as deadly as they are fat/queer. Rico is an ex-cop and "American Gladiators" competitor, so I assume he will shoot you with a gun that fires tennis balls of some sort. Jamal is pretty agile for a fat man, so he could probably jump up really high to eat a pie if said pie were fired out of a cannon. Rosey just kind of stands there and looks like Kanyon.
Specialty: Having awesome entrance music
Strengths: Being fat, Accessorizing
Weaknesses: Unable to count past three, Lint




Codename - John Cena: A master of disguise, this unproven rookie's greatest asset lies in his complete lack of self-respect. If your particular mission calls for an operative to sing Baha Men songs while wearing a lime-green gorilla suit with the crotch cut out, and it probably will, Cena's your hoss.
Specialty: Being humiliated
Strengths: Wearing colorful diapers, Drawing no heat
Weaknesses: Everything




Codename - The Big Show: Might as well get some more mileage out of that picture. This troll-like creature may have stood against you in previous adventures, but this time you've decided to give peas a chance. Show escaped Ohio Valley once, and was only coaxed into returning to aid his lardy brethren via the use of Scooby Snax. He still has Vietnam-esque OVW flashbacks about the time "Charlie" made him eat a salad. Charlie Haas, probably. AND NOW HE'S DEAD! Or is Russ dead? Whichever.
Specialty: Bursting through walls
Strengths: Sleeping, Napping
Weaknesses: Wrestling, Not spitting




Codename - Mark Henry: Yes, that picture was apparently in Life magazine. It is entitled "Naked Power". Let us speak no more of it. Another refugee from the accursed valley, Mark Henry is the World's Fattest Man. This magic power gives him the ability to bend things, just like that animated robot from the hit FOX series "CANCELED". That show sucked, smarks. Like we've never seen a Willy Wonka parody before. Pssh. Oh yeah, Mark Henry. Mark Henry is kind of like Augustus Gloop.
Specialty: Bending things
Strengths: Eating things, Lifting things
Weaknesses: Doing things, Saying things

Your goal is to liberate the obese masses while keeping all nine members of your team alive and intact. Now click the thing, and make yourself famous.

The thing.



Start Again

OR

Back To Columns