I made the mistake of doing the Royal Rumble rebeak last night before I could read what established internet wrestling columnist superstars thought of the event, and therefore, I seem to have to several incorrect conclusions. Here is my chance to rectify the situation. Pronounce that "sichi-ashian."

First, the McMahon/Flair match was apparently a travesty. My God. How could Vince book Flair to get a clean win over him, especially in this day of rare clean wins? How dare he! Flair is a legend and, despite being older than my grandmother, he should have absolutely destroyed Vince. He should have powerbombed him through the Spanish Announce Table. I mean, how dumb is Vince? All legends of the "sport" should be booked to fight as if they were gods. For example, I hope that Freddie Blassie tears through HHH and Austin and The Rock at a Fatal Four-Way at No Way Out. Is the Fatal Four-Way a real type of match, or does it only exist in video games?

The Undisputed Title match was a travesty. Overbooked (a table spot? PLZ. Why not just have the entire locker room come out and beat up Rock) and under-wrestled (psychology? More like "I hate The Rock and am so much smarter than the WWF and know that Jericho should have no-sold everything and totally destroyed him"-ology.), I've see better Title matches in the Hardcore Division. Seriously, though, I have. That time Mike Awesome powerbombed Rhyno on that ladder. That kicked ass. And at Wrestlemania, when Big Show burst through the wall. Hell yes. Perhaps the WWF should go back and look at how these ***** matches were booked, and try doing the same. Jericho as the HEEL that cheats to win is so stupid. I mean, whoever heard of a HEEL cheating? The WWF is gonna go bankrupt in a week if they don't start listening to me.

Now, for the Rumble itself. I don't know where to start, as the whole thing reaked of three month old glass ceiling strudel. Hahahaha. I don't even know what that means. I hope somebody starts using that term. Hot Newz assbastard, you may as well steal that. Azzbaztard. Anyway, the Rumble was a mess. Firstly, not enough guys in the ring at the same time. Vince should know that nothing is more exciting than having a ring so full of people that none of them have room to do anything but stand there and trade shitty looking punches. Fuck all those suplexes and other wrestling moves. WE WANT SHITTY PUNCHES!

Secondly, why was RVD being punished? I, being a smark, am no fan of his exciting and charismatic style, but even I must object when he is clearly bumping his high-flying head on that dreaded glass ceiling. I mean, he came in and kicked the shit out of 5 or so main event guys. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN 10!!!! Does Vince want to run his company into the ground? Jesus. And then, on top of that, RVD has to actually sell the Pedigree! It's only the top guy in the business's finisher. He should have jumped right back up and kicked HHH, thus sending him flying out of the ring, through the Spanish Announce Table. I swear, Vince. When will you learn?

Thirdly, why did HHH have to win? I mean, seriously. Having a main event guy win ruins the whole point of the Rumble. It should have been Hurricane. How exciting would that Wrestlemania main event be? Hurricane vs. Saturn (who will hopefully have won the title by then). VINCE WHY ARE YOU PASSING UP THIS HUGE MONEY OPPURTUNITY! I mean, nobody will buy HHH vs. Jericho, much less HHH vs. Austin or Rock. God, Vince. You are so fucking stupid it's not even funny.

Finally, MAVEN WAS NEVER ELIMINATED!!! Undertaker was eliminated when he threw Maven over, and, despite the precedent set by just about every Rumble in years past where someone that was already eliminated comes back in and throws one or more people out, MAVEN WAS NEVER ELIMINATED AS A RESULT!!! How could the bookers have missed this? Oh, I know how. They, or should I say she, since we all know that Stephanie McMahon is single handedly writing all WWF programming, has taken to "booking-on-the-fly." I know this because I sit in on the booking meetings. The Rumble main event wasn't decided until 23 men had already been eliminated, and they let HHH know it was ok to hold the entire universe down in his win by using an elaborate system of mirrors and lights to send a Morse Code message to him in the ring. This booking on the fly has got to stop. The WWF should book the next year right now, and then not change, NO MATTER WHAT! A wrestler is injured, it don't matter. Keep going or just drop that feud. A storyline isn't catching on with the viewers? Fuck the fans. It's only us smarks that matter.

I hope that this helped clear things up. Remember, my 2 1/2 years of college and expansive video tape collection have bestowed me with an amazing mind when it comes to how to run a huge corporation. ****Note: Despite frightening similarities, I am not Mr. Tito, Scott Keith, or any other "expert" on wrestling. I am just inspired by their arguments, and took them to their logical conclusion. Well, maybe not that, but I greatly overexaggerated their arguments and let my pent up sexual tension spill out in a discussion of grown men getting half naked and pretending to hit each other.