In honor of Grocery Store Thursday, I have decided to review the Big Japan Grocery Store Death Match. Also, I don't get Smackdown. Fucking UPN. Anyway, we should get on with it, as this has a whopping two matches.
I've stated this before, but I think it bear's repeating. If you think I throw stars around too liberally, bite me. Go cry over it as you watch nothing but 5 year old puro.
Also, I hope the Rock shows up. I have a hilarious name for him. Hilarious.
A fuzzy shot of a lion starts us out. Some guy is talking over it, and then we cut to a very unintimidating shot of Kendo Nagasaki, who is the star of this tape. Alright.
Match #1: Kendo Nagasaki & Yuichi Taniguchi vs. Tarzan Goto. Mr. Gannosuke is an awesome bad ass HEEL from FMW. I also love Tarzan Goto, as he seems so comfortable in his lack of talent. He doesn't look like Tarzan. Just so you know, dudes. Anyway Nagasaki and Mr. Gannosuke start off with Mr. Gannosuke being knocked around or put in some hold or another. This seems to be a recurring theme in this tape. Wait, this is clipped. Fuck. This has 2 matches on it, and one is clipped. Whatever. Maybe this isn't the first match, and is just background leading to it. I don't really know what Yuichi Taniguchi looks like, so who knows if that's him or not. Know the announcer is talking again. The guy from the beginning. Nagasaki tags in his partner, who may or may not be Taniguchi. Taniguchi keeps working on Mr. Gannosuke's legs. Blah blah blah, and Tarzan Goto is tagged in and starts headbutting Taniguchi. The headbutt is an underutilized attack. Those crappy chairs that break are also underutilized, but not by Tarzan Goto, who smacks Taniguchi with one. Taniguchi is bleeding all over. Goto's hand is all covered in blood. Mr. Gannosuke is tagged in, and continues to beat up Taniguchi, who somehow gets the tag to Nagasaki. The crowd reacts like Jesus was just tagged in, and cheesy music starts to play. Nagasaki and Gannosuke go outside, where Nagasaki starts throwing chairs at him. And then a table. Goto runs over to save Gannosuke, and he takes Nagasaki into the audience and we can't see cuz of all the photographers.
Lightning Bolt, and it says "FIGHT 1" in the corner. Hmm. We cut to an interview with Nagasaki. Ok.
Lightning Bolt and "FIGHT 2," and then some more interview.
Lightning Bolt and "FIGHT 3." Can we please get to the chaos?
How many times are they gonna do this?!?! (Lightning Bolt and "FIGHT 4," for those of you keeping score at home.)
Oh, they're done. We now cut to some flowers, and then a shot of some building with cars in front of it. That's a weird looking grocery store. Oh, it's a gym. Nagasaki is training some guys. Hi students, or something. There's another guy with a bad mustache there too. I'll call him Mustachio. Of course, I doubt I will ever see him again. With that we cut away to guys setting up this tiny little cage in the grocery store. Mustachio, I hardly knew yee.
We finally seem to be about to start. There are shots of this little market area. Wait a minute. This is the same place that Streetfight on that other tape of mine took place. They have a little cage set up in the middle of the square, just like on that other match. What the hell? Is this just some set, or something? They start introducing guys, and they run out from one of the stores. Oh, the names are listed on this one site as Yosuke Kobayashi, Seiji Taniguchi & Bruiser Okamoto vs. Kendo Nagasaki. Wait, there's four guys, and no Nagasaki. Wait, this is that same match. Fuck. I saw this before. Oh well. I thought this would be some other fucked up-ness in a grocery store. Damn mislabeling stuff. Anyway, a brass band comes out, followed by some cheerleaders. The band starts and Nagasaki comes out. But the match is a tag match between four of his students, and I have no idea who is who. The ring is this tiny little 8x8 looking mat on the ground with chicken wire around it. They roll around and stuff, and whenever one wanders over by the edge, Nagasaki whacks him with a barbed wire bat. The band stopped playing awhile ago, if you were wondering. I know you weren't. Don't patronize me.
Nagasaki gets pissed at something, and rushes in the cage. Cue scary music (not from the band), and he starts throwing all four guys around. The cage gets destroyed. Nagasaki stumbles through the audience with two of the guys, and the other two stumble off their own way, fighting each other.
The other two, I'll call one of them Fatpigboy, as he looks similar to a pig, start throing bikes at each other. These are just some people's bikes, mind you. That rules.
Nagasaki is destroying the other two with some sign.
Fatpigboy and the other are still throwing bikes at each other.
Old ladies are disgusted by this display. It'd be better if it was some dude in a bowtie going "Why I never!" I could have seen How High tonight.
Nagasaki is throwing these guys through somebody's fruit stand. One of these two just sold getting hit by a head of lettuce like it was a fucking powerbomb or something.
back to the other two rolling around on the ground. The ref is by them. He's wearing a bowtie.
Nagasaki keeps destroying that stand. He hits one with a watermelon, who sells it like it were a fucking brick. Well, I guess that would hurt. A watermelon for the other guy. Now he's hitting them with bananas. I wonder where The Rock is?
Back to the other two. I now notice that sound effects have been added, to make it sound like they're hitting each other, like in a kung fu movie. WWF should do that.
Nagasaki moves to the next stand and destroys some plants
Back to the other 2. One runs into a store, comes out with a boombox, and throws it straight at the ground. HAHAHA. That was awesome. He threw it like a girl. The band starts up again. Yes.
Cut to Nagasaki destroying stuff. He doesn't have a band, so fuck him.
Other two: Pigfatfacesweathog throws the other guy into a bookshelf, which falls over. He then stomps a hole in it. The he runs into a store, takes like 3 airplane bottles, and drinks 'em. Haha. I wish he had grabbed some dingdongs and eaten them. Yes, those dingdongs. Pigsweatfoodface has the other guy in a headlock, and takes him into the store. He sprays shaving cream on his head, which he sells like a pro. They then stumble outside.
Nagasaki grabs a cash register and throws it right at one of the guy's head. Sick. Now he throws it at the other one. HOLY SHIT! It dug like an inch into his arm. Oh, that's gross. It goes slo-mo and dramatic music plays. Oh shit! I just know Rock is gonna come out! Comedy, here I come!
Cut to the camera walking up to some vans. We get up there and see that guy sitting there. Gross. That is a nasty looking cut. Now he's in the car. Hey, it's Mustachio! Not in the car, but where it left from. He looks pissed. No Rock. Damn.
Back to other two not even really trying. The band stops. Ho hum.
Nagasaki drags the one guy left with him into some restaurant.
Other two are in some kitchen. Beeffaceeatnowchewingnoise hits the other guy in the face with a pie. I can't make this up. Now they stumble out back to the parking lot, and pie boy souds like hes throwing up. I think he learned how to sell from Cactus Jack.
We go to gash-boy in a hospital waiting room. Haha.
blah blah blah. Nagasaki starts shoving raw meat in the guy's mouth. Haha. Then they go out back where the trash it.
Cut to gash boy in hospital. Eww. It shows them stitching him up. Now he's laying in the bed, and some weird sentimental type music, and we see slo-mo of pie in the face, the bike duel and Nagasaki kicking that guy around in the garbage. It's like he's wishing he was there, or something. Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
the end?
No. Hospital people talking. Now, back to the action.
Nagasaki throws the guy into some milkcrates, and beats him around there for awhile. He's covered in filth.
Bolognaforbreakfast is in a figure four in some little store. He manages to break it, and the other guys grabs some big ass fish and hits him with it. He'll be Lou Zealand. AH! The fish broke, but you could barely see it. He broke a damn fish. You don't see that every day. If you do, I would like to know about it.
Nagasaki now seems to be behind some apartment builings, by some more trash. OOH! He dropped one of those little fridges on the guy. Not the smallest ones, the medium ones. AH! Again.
Constantlyshovingmeatintomouth and Lou Zealand are back out front now, and Lou puts a bad on tubby and gets the pin. Right after that, Nagasaki bursts through the glass, and starts beating up Ibatheinbolognajuice. He throws some gumball machines at him. Then he hooks one of the guys with a butterfly net. Are those bags of salt? Whatever it is, the bag breaks and the shit goes flying everywhere.
Mustachio! He's talking, and then Nagasaki spots him, and they all go back into the cage in the middle. here my note's just say "frightening." I dunno.
In the cage, Nagasaki quickly pins them, as it appears to have been an elimination match. Yay!
Mustachio looks upset. All the others are sitting in the ring, cross-legged, in a circle. I have no clue.
Mustachio says something to Nagasaki, and then all of them walk into some shop. Oh, it's a barbershop. Ok. Nagasaki then shaves the hair and eyebrows off of one of them.
Mustachio is outside laughing. Baldy comes out and talks to him. Gash boy comes back. Slow shot of all the destruction, and then they all walk off laughing. Hahaha.
Not over yet! Nagasaki is cutting some vegetables up, and then it cuts to individual interviews with all four guys. Cannotstopeatingpork and one of the other's are hella scarred up. Gross. Now Nagasaki serves some food to Baldy, and we go to credits with extreme close ups of them eating. Nice.
OVERALL THOUGHTS: An amazing show. In these times, when I hate so much, it's nice that matches like this exist. It brings a brief moment of joy to my cold, black heart. I just wish Rock had showed up. Or that I had friends.