It's called Christmas. It's a great excuse for not doing anything for a week.

EVEN BIGGER-EST FUCKING NEWS IN THE WORLD!!!!

Last time, I reported (HA!) that some federation in Mexico was having a Christmas themed show involving a re-enactment of the birth of Christ, using wrestlers and stuff. Not to be outdone, DDT ran a show with the following match:

5. Hair vs. Hair Different Style Fight for the Iron Man Heavy Metal Title: Primate (a real life monkey) defeated Gizobono (Shoichi Ichimiya as Akebono) by decision 2-0 to win the title. Ichimiya promised after shaving his head that he would get revenge on the monkey very soon and would get his title back.

That's right, a fucking monkey won the title! Here is the proof!

Is that it?

If I had written this a week ago, I could have spent MULTIPLE SENTENCES!!! writing about RVD refusing to lay the Smackdown down on Iraq. Alas, I chose to . . . I don't remember what I did instead. Regardless, that's old news, and if WV's anything, it's cutting edge.

Anyway, I do subscribe to the Observer, and it occasionally has some little line in it that needs further elaboration. While I am obviously in no position to be reporting on the secret, gooey inner workings of the WWE, I can rant about how fucking stupid some offhand remark that I probably completely misinterperated is. Case in point: In last weeks newsletter, Meltzer was saying something about the (incredulous) plans to keep JBL as champion for the rest of our lives, and let a line slip about how Vince McMahon loves the character, as he is a NEO-CON (it's a much cooler looking word that way) and views the character as a way to stick it to that evil liberal media.

This is perhaps the stupidest thing I have heard in some time, and I am currently selling tickets to a Redneck Comedian for a living. I think the Mohhamed Hassan character is tied into this somehow, as well. Nonetheless, if you happen to be of the NEO-CON persuasion, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU MAKE HIM A HEEL?!?! Is McMahon admitting the NEO-CON agenda is PURE EVIL? The Hassan character raises the same questions. Why should I boo somebody that comes out and illustrates with an admittedly flawed yet rather condemning poll that a lot of our fellow citizens might be a bit racist? In the two or three times I have seen Hassan, he has not given me one reason to dislike him, as far as getting HEEL HEAT goes. WHY SHOULD WE BOO A MAN WHO IS A FELLOW CITIZEN YET EXPERIENCES RACIAL PREJUDICE?!?!? I mean, would you boo Rosa Parks?

I guess I just tend to groan anytime the WWE tries to get "political," but these last two items are just so damn bizarre. La Resistance was tacky, but French-bashing has become such a tedious part of American culture (right up there with Austin Powers and Jim Carrey impersonations) that it never struck me as a big deal. In fact, "French sympathizer" Rob Conway is perhaps one of the funniest things the WWE has done in some time, whether it was intentionally funny or not. But to somehow think your HEEL champion serves as a critique of those on the opposite end of the political spectrum is the most asinine thing I've ever heard of.

Again, no UFBR this week, but I have a very special match planned for next week. It's the greatest Regular dude/Woman/Midget/Transvestite vs. a team of the same match I have ever seen.

Something Like a Smackdown Spoiler

So desperate for attention

Antonion Inoki announced the other day that Brock Lesnar will be appearing at the big NJPW show at the Tokyo Dome on January 4th. While he wont be in a match, he'll be Inoki's guest at ringside to watch, or some such nonsense. Elsewhere on the Internet, you'll find people speculating about how this might be Brock's way of trying to show the WWE he is still marketable, or perhaps he is really going to work for NJPW for a bit. Here at WV, though, you'll find none of that. Part of me doubts he'll even show up. The other part of me doesn't care either way. Vince McMahon got what he wanted. I couldn't care less about Lesnar right now. I mean, what with Orton as the youngest champ ever, who even remembers the much more talented and charismatic Lesnar or his much more impressive matches?

WEEKLY VISITOR ROUND TABLE

This week's one week late question: With the spirit of revisionist history in the air, what would your "Best of 2004" RAW episode involve? And remember, the network probably has rules against running dead air for 2 hours.

Super Asia: I really don't know, as I've blocked out a lot of RAW from my memory and recently have stopped watching it because I work when it's on. I enjoyed the 8-way dance before Dabo Tuesday, if for no other reason than I liked the midcarders getting mic time.

In the same vein, I liked seeing Stevie doing well in the Raw Roster Rumble. I do enjoy a good battle royale. It's like a battle, except it's in Europe, where they use the metric system.

Well, and everyone has to mention this, I imagine, but Shelton Benjamin pinning Triple H a buncha times.

JG: Remember when Benoit beat Triple H? That. And remember when Shelton beat Triple H? That too. Anything where Triple H loses is cool with me. And maybe they could edit the Divas out of that Diva Search sketch that involved Kamala. And edit in Steven Richards doing his "I am still in this Rumble bitches" dance. And Jericho putting Trish in the Walls, with Christian seeing this and reacting by trying to climb out of the cage instead of saving his girlfriend. Yeah. I'm rambling. Much like a promo by a certain guy I enjoy watching lose.

Next Mideon: My Best of 2004 RAW starts with that time Ric Flair called Tajiri a "sneaky Jap" and then Batista beat him within an inch of his slanty little life. That match gets bonus points for starting the Devastatin' Dave craze. Also included on Batista's Greatest Hits are his mouthing of "Fuck them motherfuckers" and any of the nineteen times he started shouting at some big beefer in a battle royal. I'm also coming with Steven Richards' hilarious pinfall victory over Chris Jericho. Then we go to that Chris Benoit/Randy Orton match that made me act the fool, despite the fact that my support of Orton's title reign cost me four years' worth of street cred. They used to call me Justin Street Credible. Not anymore. We close with a certain someone whom I like to call OFFICER SLATER VAIN. That happened in November '03, but who cares. It was a November To Remember.

ME: I would have watched 2 hours of Tajiri spitting mist in Coach's face when he walked in that room. Coach was all: "What's up?" and Tajiri was all *MIST*. God that was awesome. I'm not even sure if that happened this year, but it's the only thing coming to mind. My, what a year it has been. *sheds a tear while listening to Creed*

Boobermonkeys: I guess the "Best Of Gene Snitsky" highlight reel would only last about 45 minutes, so there's like 80 minutes of shit left to fill. Kane murdering Shawn was kind of cool in a "I still believe in Santa Claus" kind of way. Oh yeah, totally put Lita's bachelorette party on there. And an hour of musical chairs. It's a shame these are supposed to be funny. So solly.

SOFA: My personal "Best of RAW 2004" would probably be any minute Randy Orton wasn't on my TV beating up everyone in the company, any time Chris Jericho didn't make some terrible unfunny sophmoric joke, the times when Tyson Tomko wasn't wasting money/time/my life. I could go on, but then I'd look even more bitter.

Your Japanese Indy HUSTLE pic of the Week:

A belated Merry Platypus to you all!