A tape review disguised as a column.

I was gonna' actually write a column, but there really isn't much going on. I had an idea to write about how much Tenryu kicks ass because he always looks pissed of and stuff, but that was about as far as I got. There just really isn't very much interesting going on in Pro Wrestling right now. The biggest news seems to be that Goldberg slipped off a turnbuckle during commercials on RAW, and got pissed off when the crowd laughed at him. Blah. I would complain about how stupidly the WWE is using Ultimo Dragon, but I went to karaoke instead of watching Smackdown!, so I didn't see first hand how stupidly the WWE is using Ultimo Dragon. So, I'm just gonna' review this tape I bought instead.

BUT FIRST: "Since so many readers sent word about Goldberg playing the character "Nappa" in the upcoming Dragonball Z movie. That character is NOT one of the most powerful characters. Many readers sent word that he is actually one of the weakest. However, one reader has informed me that Goldberg does resemble the character and ought to be a great fit for the role. Thanks to everyone who sent that along."

Credit: Wrestlingobserver.com

Hope that cleared everything up.

That was kind of fun. I wonder if there's any other completely stupid news like that out there.

Hm, that seems to be about it. Maybe Scott Keith said something stupid again.

Fuck it. I read about two paragraphs into his Smackdown "Rant" then got bored. Let's just review this tape I bought. It's a Calgary Stampede Wrestling comp., with matches from 1979-1988. Dynamite Kid to Benoit, with some Andre the Giant thrown in for good measure. Should be fun.

Fujinami Tatsumi (wait, did I just flip that around backwards?) vs. Dynamite Kid: WWF Juniorheavyweight Title match

I should have broken that up, probably. Oh well. Haha. The commentator has a hard time with Fujinami's name. "Tat . . .sumi . . . .Fujinami." haha. We came in on the middle of this, with Dynamite Kid playing the complete HEEL. The crowd's waiving Japanese flags and stuff. And then it ends in a double count-out. ok.

Antonio Inoki vs. Stan Hansen: NWF Heavyweight Title match

A 16 year old Diana Hart gives Inoki flowers. Woah, the commentator just mentioned Inoki's match with Ali. He said it was a "15 round draw." I have a few minute clip of it somewhere, I think. The time limit for this match is 61 minutes, "Japanese rules." Those fucking Japs. Apparently, in Japan, they allow an extra minute after the bell sounds to see if one man can finish it off then. I did not know that.

Tube Socks and Cowboy boots. Hansen rules. Fuck my stupid neighbor that just moved out, Hansen is Texas. My dumbass neighbor is just some stupid suburban kid that think's he's a badass. He once told me about how he used to hang out in the ghetto in Dallas, like he was one of the Getto Boys or something. I laughed in his face.

This match started fast, then got real slow real fast. Since the tape is only 85 minutes long, I'm gonna' assume this doesn't go the full 61 minutes. I wonder if that's really true. None of the tapes I've seen have ever had a time limit of 61 minutes. Would this nice Canadian man lie to me, though? Hansen has yet to "HOOOOOOO!" I guess he's not gonna' get the chance as Inoki just one with a top rope knee drop. Commentator: "There it is! You wanna' know something-" cut to:

Hiro Saito & The Cobra vs. Keith Hart & Davey Boy Smith

Saito's from Korea? Once again, I will believe the nice Canadian man. Wait, did he just say Cobra's from "Anaconda?" Now he's just making shit up. I wonder how many guys have put on a mask and called themself "The Cobra." This could be the same one from the mid-80s UWF, though. What the fuck? A Yellow card? What the fuck rules are these? I kind of like it, though. There was this K-1 a few weeks - wait. Commentator: "The Cobra comes in uninvited. Keith Hart decides to retract the invitation." Ok, anyway, there was this K-1 a few weeks ago where the ref almost disqualified the two fighters in the main event because it was so fucking boring. Somehow, that seems even less important now than before.

Saito is very thin here. This must be old. That dude in the Adiddass (how the fuck do you spell that?) jumpsuit is frightening looking. One time, I was at this party, and this Bosnian was sitting there, not saying anything, just looking around all creepy like. Then, he gets up and comes over to me and whoever I was talking with and says "you guys talking about Bosnians?" I said "no," or whatever, because we weren't, but he just keeps standing there, kind of moving from side to side and just generally being creepy and Bosnian. That's what this dude in the front row looks like.

The Cobra pinned Hart after some tomfoolery.

The Cobra vs. Dynamite Kid

The commentator says this is for the "World Middleweight Title," but the box makes no such mention of this. He also says The Cobra is from Uganda, which makes more sense than Anaconda, but I still don't believe it. Kid's the face this time, I think. The ref is wearing a tuxedo shirt. He's also aaaasiaaaan. I think. I heard him speaking another language. I think it was aaaaasiiiaaaaaan. What the fuck was that?! Saddam Hussein just ran out and threw something in the eyes of Cobra's manager. The commentator said it was water, which is even odder. He also says the guy's name, which is not Saddam Hussein, but he looks just like him. Kid won, by the way.

Nobuhiko Takada vs. A- I don't know how to spell this.

The Japanese on the back of the box calls him "ASORU Foley." I think the commentator said "Apple Foley," though. I don't think it's "Axle," because that would be written differently in the Japanese. Fuck it. Apparently Nick Bockwinkle's gonna' be wrestling at an upcoming show. Hey, that same guy is wearing the same Coors shirt and sitting in the same seat as before. Hat Guy's dad. Takada won with a pin. Yeah.

Yamada Keichi vs. Cuban Assassin

Cuban keeps using a knife or something and then hiding it in his pants. haha. The commentator said he hid it in his beard once. "His hairstyle is made possible by a contribution by Ot's Elevators. Cuban elevator's don't go to the top floor *chuckles*" I don't get it. Yamada's apparently only an inch taller than my mom. He's a "very polite young gentleman." He even bows for the commentators. "Bad News Allen doesn't bow for me." Fucking Bad News Allen.

Chris Benoit vs. Viet Cong Express #1, according to the commentators, but the box says something completely different which I cannot read

Fucking Viet Cong and his Karate Kicks. The commentators start talking about Gorgeous George for some reason. Did he really have a degree in Psychology? I really don't know whether to believe these guys or not. A sharpshooter is called a "variation of the crab." This must be old if Canadians ain't calling it a sharpshooter. Diving headbutt misses. That's the first move I've called in ages. Benoit wins with a rollup. The commentator calls it "sensational."

Bad Company vs. 2 Aaaaasiiiaaaans

Pillman in vs. an Aaaaasiiiiiaaaaan. Ashi Khan & Yang Chung, if I am to believe the commentators, which I am loathe to do. Khan's in now. Did the ref blow a whistle? Wait, is that "the Original Sheik" at ringside? I put that in quotes because of this big thing I wrote for Exxxtreme March which has yet to be typed up. It'll come someday, and will be just as big a dissapointment. Wasn't Bruce Hart the fireman Hart? Pillman pins and aaasiiiaaaan.

Battle Royal

Andre the Giant's in this. Is that Tiger Jeet Singh!?! No. Damn. It's Pedro Morales, or some Morales. There's a lot more black men here than I thought existed in Canada. Two, to be exact. some stuff happend. Oh Shit! Stu Hart sounds like some bum on the street! That was amazing! He said one line. Please talk again. Imagine coming out of some - nevermind. Andre won.

Hashi Khan & Viet Cong Express II (agreed upon by the box, this time) vs. two white boys

Same mask as before, but it might not be the same guy. One white boy is apparently Cannes, "the Flying Frenchman." The other is Lefour. Wait, now he says Lefour's partner is Mike Kurscher (sp?). Who the fuck is the Flying Frenchman? Was he refering to Khan? But Khan isn't French. Maybe he was bringing up Viet Nam's colonial history, and Viet Cong Express II is the son of the original Viet Cong Express, who was a French colonialist that sided with the North, and therefore can still be considered French. More importantly, though, how can a Russian be a face in 1987? I guess it's ok since his first name is Mike. Lefour pins Viet Cong, in an attempt to re-write history.

Yang Chung vs. Benoit

I'm gonna' skip this to keep from making any jokes I will later regret.

Benoit vs. Johnny Smith

This is the last match on the tape, and that's all I feel like saying about it.

I guess that's about it. I'll finish by saying that New Jersey fans are fucking stupid. Why would you pay to see a wrestler then boo him? Fuck morons. If I'm not around next week, I wont be around for awhile.