Who knew that Satan would manifest himself on Earth and go on to promote a Japanese Indy show? Perhaps I should read the bible a bit closer in the future. It probably says that there's some wicked remix of "Daytona 500" with Moses taking Raekwon's place. I should stay on the lookout for that.

Match #1: Lingerie Muto & Shinobu vs. Yuko Miyamoto & ISAMI

Miyamoto and ISAMI are new to me, but seem to be your standard Japanese Indy Cruisers. No shame in that, of course. Lingerie Muto is, as the name would imply, a Kejie Muto parody wearing lingerie. Shinobu is just gay.

Lingerie Muto's entrance would definitely make my personal list on Weekly Visitor's Top 15 Wrestler Entrances of All Time. Before or after non-lingerie Muto's entrance would be the tricky part. Hay, MEN'S Teioh is on commentary. When did he start worshipping Satan? Now, if I only understood Japanese I would realize just how shitty he probably is at wrestling commentary. Speaking of which, the commentary seems to be broadcast throughout the arena, as it were. Odd. Match has begun by now. Lingerie Muto brings the Muto parodying, while wearing lingerie. The ref's a woman in pseudo-bondage gear? EVIL! This match is clipped, which saddens me, but at the same time titillates me with the possibility of Muto-parodying while wearing lingerie taken so far so as to be banned from Japanese satellitte television. It's probably just him blowing a few spots, though.

This match is pretty good Japanese Indy cruisers match, which is only fitting given the number of Japanese Indy cruisers involved in the match. Reminds of a good ROH opening tag match between Special K members, except this is better since it has Lingerie Muto. Shinobu hits a top-rope hurricanrana, brainbuster then a fucking BEAUTIFUL shooting star press, which I only mentioned as it seemed like it had to be the finish, but it only gets 2. I'm not sure who's Miyamoto and who's ISAMI, but one or the other kicked out. Ok, a few seconds later one of those two hits ISAMI with the full-on moonsaulting-the-shit-out-of-yourstomach-with-my-knees moonsault for the win.

Match#2: Grandfather & Grandmother vs. Naoshi Sano

Grandmother is a 6-year old girl with a meat cleaver. Oh man, Japanese Indys area bastion of shitty novelty songs waiting to happen. "If your grandmother is a 6-year old girl with a meat cleaver, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK!" Woah, Robert Smith from 20 years ago is the timekeeper. Grandmother joins the commentary team, leaving it to Grandfather to GET-R-DONE. I think these guys are from Big Japan, which would explain the deathmatch-esque use of the meat cleaver. Grandmother is using every ounce of cuteness she has (and really, is there anything cuter than a 6-year old dressed up like a zombie carrying a meat cleaver?) to get something out of this match. Hey Sano, here's your sign: you're a shitty wrestler. I'm not sure how that "here's your sign" bit works. If I remember correctly, he never said what was on the sign, which led me to believe it always said "your an idiot," or something similar, but that didn't seem to work either. Mysteries of the universe. Comedy is attempted, but it's nothing much. Powerbomb attempt throws Grandpa's back out, allowing for some offense by Sano. Grandmother makes the save and hits the 619! Grandpa's diving headbutt gets the win.

Match #3: Battle Royale: HERO! vs. BABY-M vs. Mammoth Sakai vs. The Great Takeru vs. Giant 666 vs. Nasty Black Panther vs. Berlinka Boxer

My limited Japanese has failed me on the last name, although my match listing says Berlinka Boxer. Good enough for me. The back of everybody's shirt says something, and they're taking turns showing it to the crowd. Is that their finishing move? The handful I could make out were wrestling moves. Man, BABY-M's so cute showing her shirt off; I instantly feel extremely dirty. At least I didn't get aroused during the Lingerie Muto match. Ok, so they keep asking the ref if the move they're about to do is OK, which would lead me to believe that they will get disqualified if they do the move on their shirt. Nasty Black Panther's says "Sweet Chin Music," and now all the other wrestlers are cheering him to do it. Bla bla bla zzzzzzzzzzzzz. He figured it out. This gimmick is fucking stupid. Ugh . . . this . . . this.

Wait, Nasty Black Panther just won using Sweet Chin Music. Yeah, I'm throwing up some "w"s about this match.

Match #4: Christ & Buddha vs. Crazy SKB & Jun Kasai (firework deathmatch)

Christ is really frightening looking, actually. Reminds me of those ads that Larry Rice's channel is still running about Jesus finding that little girl that got lost in the forest that used to freak the hell out of me whenever I would inexplicably be watching Larry Rice's channel. What the fuck was I watching? I hated The Flying House, and everybody hated The Magic Book.

Who would have thought that Jesus's long anticipated return to the ring would take place in a tiny Japanese Indy fed? Jun Kasai is accompanied to the ring by some bizarre Harajuku/anime girl who is rather frightened of the whole thing. SKB's accompanied by a chainsaw. The anime girl takes off immediately. Now flowers are presented, but only to SKB and Kasai! EVIL! Haha! Flowers are made into roman candle launchers, and used to shoot Jesus and Buddha! The ring's surrounded by those wooden Japanese grave marker things. Jesus breaks one and uses it to stab SKB's head. This is absolutely unbelievable. If I could go back in time 10 years and tell myself that I would someday be watching Jesus and Buddha team up to take on a monkey turned into a deathmatch wrestler and . . . whatever SKB is, would my younger self drastically change his life so the he wouldn't someday be spending a Wednesday not going to work, smoking pot and getting his mind blown? I can only hope not. Thank God time travel does not exist.

Kasai just reversed Jesus and Buddha's double suplex attempt. Think about that for a minute. Kasai just overpowered two of the most important religious figures in history. Perhaps we've been worshipping the wrong people all this time.

SKB puts on a helmet covered in fireworks, lights them on fire, and hits Jesus with a diving headbutt! 3-Count! Yeah, Jesus is more willing to job when he's not in front of his home audience.

Match#5: Onryu vs. MIKAMI

I really don't see how this is going to follow that last match, and I'm a pretty big fan of both these guys. I think Onryu is running this fed. If that is the case, I must compliment the man on one of the finest wrestling cards I have ever seen put together. My only complaint is that my matchlist says there was supposed to be an Asian Cougar & Asian Condor vs. GOEMON & MASAMUNE match, but that's not the biggest of deals. Hopefully Onryu can use his demon powers to go into my computer and open the file with the matchlist and delete said match. Oh, there's 2 Onryus for some reason, that's why MIKAMI's all confused.

MIKAMI's 450 splash only gets 2 . . .

Ladder gets involved in some unique/silly ways. This match is just draggin along. Very slowpaced spotfest. MIKAMI's lesson for us all: Don't be a Suicide Boy or you will end up in Pro-Wrestling Purgatory, wrestling Onryu to a double count-out in an overall frustrating match.

Words are exchanged. Great, now Onryu's coming back to the ring to fight some more. Thanks a lot, MIKAMI. Normally I like these 2, but this match is just killing me. Absolutely no pacing or suspense at all. Imagine the worst RVD & Sabu vs. Eliminators match, and you can get an idea what this is like.

FINAL THOUGHTS: Goddam, that main event killed what should have been the beautiful occassion of Christ's return to the wrestling ring and his first ever teaming with Buddha.