[SUMMARSLAMS 2003] [8/24/03] [Phoenix, AZ] Rebeaker: [ATAK] Summerslam 2003 has come and gone, and I, ever the dutiful wrestling fan, sat down to watch it with several of my homeyz. Here is my recollection of the events of that crazy, crazy Sunday night (with a little help from 1wrestling.com). If I don't remember everything, plz don't hold it against me because I watched this show in CROOKLYN LOL and may have gotten distracted by the gunfire and overnight crack deals! -I wish that fake Marine guy who hangs with La Resistance had run out and made Lilian Garcia deep throat the microphone during the National Anthem. By the way, it's time to get rid of "The Star Spangled Banner" and replace it with "We're Not Gonna Take It," folks. "We're Not Gonna Take It" kicks your ass, "Star Spangled Banner" makes you sound drunk when you sing it. Lilian doesn't need to sound any more drunk when she announces, ppl. -Jingoism Boyz vs. La Fake Froggies. I can't believe I'm reduced to doing wacky nicknames. And I didn't even know La Resistance were the RAW tag team champions until about a week ago. Fake Marine Dude disguised himself with a Paul Heyman skullet/cap combo and MURDERED D-Von with the NIKON CAMERA OF BLACK PLAGUE, AIDS, CANCER, AND UNATTRACTIVE RED-EYE EFFECT for the victory. What IS it with La Resistance and lame-ass foreign objects? PH33R THE FLAGPOLE AND FUJIFILM! The Intarnet Wresslaring Community has since identified Fake Marine Dude as wrestler Rob Conway, who I believe I have seen on Jakked/Metal a few times. One of those jobber shows, at least. -Man, 1wrestling.com recaps are as boring as watching your own semen congeal. I swear, the things I read for you people. -1wrestling: "Christian approached Eric Bischoff backstage, asking why he didn't have an Intercontinental title defense on the show." Good fucking question. Bischoff is all "we had to make room for A-Train, duh" and goes back to shadow boxing. THANKS FOR COMING TONIGHT, CHRISTIAN! -Oh, I Kid...I'm Secretly A Mark For A-Train (Seriously) vs. So Funny I Forgot To Stab Her. Sable is now fucking A-Train on the side. Albert loves him some MILFs! Undertaker GIVES A-TRAIN THE RUB by choakslamming and pinning him in 9 minutes. Back to Velocity with you, furburger! Taker puts over A-Train even more by attempting to Last Ride him after the match, Sable stops him...BUTWAIT ((TM) (R) (C) Sofa K. Amazing)! Stephanie McMahon HAS BIG B3WBZ OH GIGGLES runs out and beats on Sable's leathery skin until A-Train saves her. -Shinny McMayo vs. Eric Bischoff (I'm already sick of doing wacky nicknames). Bischoff takes the mic and implies that he boned Linda McMahon many a time, which must have felt like sticking your junk into ten pounds of week-old, sun-baked, chewed Bubble Yum. Even though Bisch was in this match, I was pretty indifferent towards it. Little did I know the coolest thing of 2003 was about to happen: THE JONATHAN COACHMAN HEEL TURN. El Hombre De Coach es el RUDO! I hope he changes his name to just COACH, all caps, like an effective RUDO should.  Austin enters to stop the madness, but he can't attack Coachman because "I'm...not...TOUCHING...YYYYYOU!" Fucking awesome. Shane shoves Coach into Austin, who proceeds to shitbeat him. Austin shitbeats Coach, that is. I WISH it was the other way around. They repeat the process with a lifeless Bischoff, and then Shane finishes him off with a Test Summerslam 2000 Memorial Elbowdrop through the Spanish announce table. You just KNEW the table was gonna end up in shards when they showed the Spanish dudes at the beginning of the show. -1wrestling: "Ric Flair was talking to Randy Orton, saying Triple H is to go into the Elimination Chamber match as champion, and leave as champion." We know, 1wrestling. We know. ;_; -I feel like doing wacky nicknames again...FLAWLESS VICTORY, FATALITY 4-Way for the U.S. Title: The LawnMOER Man (c) vs. Peter Criss Benoit vs. Pepito Tajiri vs. YA GOTTA LOSE YA MIND IN DEE-TROYT...ROCK CITY! Wow, two KISS references in one line! Damn, I'm good! This was as good as you'd expect. They SWERVED me and used the one fall to a finish rule instead of single elimination, which I think made the match a bit of a fustercluck. For the first match on the card that I really enjoyed, I can't remember much about it. TO 1WRESTLING, ROBIN! Yeah, so, the finish was pretty cool. "Benoit ducked a Tajiri kick and went for a powerbomb, but Tajiri turned it into a rana, taking both of them to the floor." That was wicked. It looked like it killed them both. Eddie frogsplashes Rhyno to retain the belt. Good matches are so hard to make fun of. =( -EARLIER 2NITE: Matt Hardy's opponents often forfeit out of fear. Zach can't compete because his...leg...is broken. God damn it, saying "his leg" in regard to a one-legged man JUST SOUNDS WRONG! Anyway, Matt demands to be announced the winner by forfeit. Permit me to smark out for a moment: Couldn't they have had Matt wrestle Ultimo Dragon or Rey or something, instead of cutting one of your most over wrestlers from the show? If you're going to have filler matches, at least have GOOD filler matches. No Matt Hardy or Christian make ATAK a dull boy. And where was John Cena? </omgsmark> -Angle vs. Lesnar, Pt. II: This Time It's Personal. Hell yeah. There was some sweet-ass stuff in this match. Angle reversed the F5 into a DDT in a counter that I hope makes it into the next Smackdown game. By the way, someone buy me a PS2 and Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth so I can play it whenever I want to. Oh yeah, and I should start writing about the seasons I played before my oaf of a friend deleted it. I really hope that idea doesn't become my Chinese Democracy. ;_; Oh. Anyway! Angle attacked Lesnar's leg a bunch, so Lesnar did a ONE-LEGGED F5 that dropped Kurt die-rekkidly on his bald noggin. Even with Vinceterference, Angle finally manages to anklelock Brock in the middle of the ring for the surprising submission. For a guy who looks like a human Hulk, he sure taps out like a little girl. 'Twas the expected great match, and you get the feeling they've only scratched the surface of what they can do. Plz let there be a Wrestlemania XX rematch (IN MAH BACKYARD OF NU YAWK)! Post match, Vince gets Angle Slammed onto an unfurled chair, squashing it to pieces. Yoiks. -Some whore won the WWE Diva contest! Jackie Gayda v2.0, folks. -Rob Canned Ham vs. kanethxbye. Welcome to the Best Possible Piss Break Match. The best thing about this was Kane slipping off the turnbuckle. Or so I'm told...I had my head turned and MISSED IT! Damn my Powerade addiction! RVD busted out the Van TERMINATOR, continuing his obvious support of AHNULD for Cali Governor! I'm sick of writing about this match; it, like this entire Kane/RVD feud was about as interesting as 1wrestling's recap of it, so moving right along... -HAHAHA, 1wrestling's recap was done by "Buck Woodward." Holy Porno Star Name, Batman! Actually, it sounds more like a porno Congressman. -Linda McMahon gets her revenge on Eric Bischoff by lightly slapping the bag of ice he had applied to his head. OK. -ELIMINATION CHAMBA: Hunter Hearst Honeysucker (c) vs. Moongoose McQueen vs. Mike Shawnaels vs. Orton Hears A Who vs. I'VE GOT MONSTER TRUCK MADNESS!!! and a new haircut vs. Kosher Krusher. I actually had no idea how the Elimination Chamber match worked. I thought all six guys were in there at once. But alas, it turns out that two men start, and four guys are in the chambers. Every three minutes (OMG DID I JUST HEAR MYSELF SAY...oh wait, Jamal got fired) one of the guys is released from his cage. Jericho and Michaels start, then Orton comes out next. Nash follows him, and he attempts the LazyBomb on Jericho but gets SOUPARKICKED and eliminated by HBK! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. He went insane and LazyBombed everyone before leaving. Triple H was released next, but he didn't even take one step until Michaels SUPAHKICKED him too, except this kick had the power of Jebus behind it, I guess, as it kept HHH down for the rest of the match. Goldberg escapes, Orton PH33RS THA SP33R and is eliminated. The Wrestling Gods shed bitter tears as 'Berg eliminates Michaels and Jericho in short order. Flair sneaks in the sledgehammer to HHH, who clobbers Goldberg with it as he attempts a spear and retains his title. I never thought I'd be rejoicing over a HHH title victory, but here we are. He beats the snot out of Goldy and he bleeds matzo ball soup all over the place. -Final Thoughts: A good time, but nowhere near as good as last year's wicked awesome Summerslam. But then again, I watched it in THA B.K. with several peeps who were goofy on Smirnoff Ice, so your mileage may vary. - ATAK back to Weekly Visitor