RAW IS
OF THE WARZONES! (powerful!)!!!
August 5th, 2003
by ATAK ^o^
Good thing one of my cronies
invited me over to watch RAW on Monday night, because I completely
forgot I was supposed to do the RAW Revue this week until a few hours
ago. I wasn't even going to watch RAW until my aforementioned crony
promised me free nachos and heroin at his pad like 10 minutes before
the show started. Fucking liar. He didn't have nachos!
So here is what I can remember of
the RAW occurrences of 24 hours ago, with a little help from the RAW
results at WWE.com.
Oh, and my computer fucking
exploded last week, taking with it my work-in-progress, which was my
writeup of my Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth season. I'll just admit that
it's gone forever, except for what remains in my memory. Someday, when
my motivation to rewrite as much as I can remember returns, it might
see the light of day. Or it might end up being my Chinese Democracy. As
for the Toryumon revue, I haven't rewatched the tape yet, but I'm
getting to it, you impatient whores! Christables ((TM) (R) (C) The Next
Mideon)!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
COMIN' ATCHA LIVE FROM VANCOUVER,
BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, EARTH, MILKY WAY GALAXY, TEH UNIVERSE
Shinny McMayo enters to kick things
off. He's starting to go grey. The sissy punches he landed on Kane last
week were just the beginning, folks! He talks more about some stuff
regarding the Drozzling of his mother until Eric Bischoff~~~~! comes
out to put a damper on the drama. Vince McMahon just gave him a call
(free long distance!) telling him to get Shane-o thrown out of the
arena. Shane takes 10 minutes to say "No sir, I'm not leaving" and it
looks like a fight will break out when MAH GAWD STONE COLD appears and
takes another 10 minutes to set up a main-event match between two
non-wrestlers. AHOY MATEY, I SPY RATINGS AHEAD! Bischoff is less than
pleased with this turn of events, despite his black belt (in
AWESOMENESS).
Unless WWE.com is lying to me,
Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Rene Dupree of La Filthy Frogs was next. I don't
remember much about it, and it's probably not my fault, either. Sylvan
Grenier tries using the FLAG OF DEATHLY FATAL DOOM THAT GIVES YOU
CANCER, AIDS, BUBONIC PLAGUE, AND JAUNDICE on Bubba while the ref's
back was turned, but D-Von somehow grabs the flag and hits a nasty shot
on Dupree, splitting him open in the process. That's one hell of a
flag. This allows Bubba to hit the Bubba Bomb for the victory. I still
hate the Bubba Bomb as a finish. Is the guy's ass REALLY in such pain
that he can't get up before the count of three? Any form of an atomic
drop--no, I'll do you one better--any wrestling move that does damage
solely to the victim's posterior is NOT a finisher. I don't care if you
sodomize the other schmuck with a chainsaw covered in fire ants; he
goddamn well better kick out at two.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SCOTT STEINER USED
TO BE WRESTLING FOR THE WORLD TITLE AGAINST TRIPLE H BUT NOW HE'S
JOBBING TO RANDY ORTON ON FREE TV!!! I don't really remember much about
it because I try to forget Scott Steiner matches. They wrestle and
stuff, and Steiner half-asses a powerslam so horribly that I rewind it
five times. Test interfered during this match and he's finally starting
to dress like a bodyguard for Motley Crue. Randy hit the Diamond Dave
Cutter (two hair metal references in one paragraph! GO SKINNIES!) for
the win. The Cutter is now available for use now that Mr. Page broke
his neck and apparently fell out of the Earth's gravitational pull.
Christian vs. The Hurricane! Hell
yeah! On the other hand, I hate matches that are legitimately good
and/or funny because then I can't make jokes about them. =( Christian
apparently killed Booker T and left him for dead in Australia, where he
will be shot on sight by the natives because there are no black people
in Australia and then a kangaroo will eat him! He vows to do the same
to the Hurricane and his young (AND FAT) protege, Rosey a.k.a Young
Roosevelt. Hahaha, that's wicked. Fear his super powers, BEEYOTCH!
Rosey produces a box; it's his Super Hero In Training kit, silly!
"S.H.I.T." is written on the box and appears on TV without getting
blurred or censored, and my heart tingles.
And then they had a match!
Christian wins with the Handful Of Tights, and starts laying waste to
poor Hurricane, downgrading him to a mere tropical storm. ;_; UNTIL
Rosey blubbers out in his homemade superhero costume, complete with
towel wrapped around the neck for a cape and Lone Ranger mask. I hope
he wrestles in that costume forevermore. Also, he used the finisher
that all not-quite-over WWE wrestlers use: the bodyslam into a twisting
Rock Bottom! Hooray for wrestling school moves!
Goldberg vs. Ric Flair. That new
Evolution music by Motorhead is cool, but it means Flair no longer
enters to Also Sprach Zarathustra, and that makes us shed a tear. Thank
Christ Goldberg didn't pin Flair here, or this match would have been a
unlanced pusboil on the Ass of Wrestling. As it is, it's just a wart.
Guess who totally carries this match? (HINT: He's the one who has hair
and is old.)
The crowd totally turns on Goldberg
during this match and begins cheering for Flair, proving that the
nation of Canada isn't a TOTAL loss. *heel heat* The WWE fans
absolutely will not boo Flair, no matter how hard the WWE tries to get
him over as a heel, and the people are especially vocal in their Flair
support in this match. Even an eye poke gets a big pop. Triple H does
guest commentary here, and for once I'm happy to see Triple H run in on
a match. I'll give credit to the bookers, they finally got me to root
for HHH over someone else...
Evolution beats the piss out of
Goldy until Shawn Michaels runs in to attack HHH, with Michaels getting
HUGE heel heat in the process. Wow, the whole friggin' country hates
him. But then Jericho rushes in and attacks Michaels to a bigtime face
pop. BUT THEN Kevin Nash ambles in and attacks Jericho to more heel
heat! CANADA IS BIZARRO WORLD! Jericho ends up on the business end of a
LAZYBOMB~~~~~~. HHH, Orton, Nash, Michaels, Goldberg, and Jericho have
one hell of a brouhaha goin' on here. I know that sentence was horribly
constructed, I just wanted to use the word "brouhaha" in this thing.
NOTE TO THOSE WHO JUST JOINED US: This is leading to something, folks!
Austin comes out and sets the new main event for Summerslam: H, Orton,
Nash, HBK, Goldberg, and Moongoose McQueen in the Elimination Chamber!
"Quick, Triple H injured himself masturbating! Let's throw more guys in
the match so he can squash them all and not have to carry Goldberg all
by himself!"
Oh, I kid. That does seem like a
hell of a lot more entertaining than HHH vs. Goldberg straight up. I'm
rooting for Kevin Nash, ppl. And so should you.
HAHAHAHA THE SUMMERSLAM THEME SONG
IS "ST. ANGER!!!"
SAAAIIIIIIYUNT ANGUH 'ROUND MAH
NEEEEYUCK
HEEEEEEE NEVUH GETS REEEEEEESPEYUCKT
YA FLUSH IT OUT YA FLUSH IT OUT
FUCKITALLANDNOREGRETS
"CLANG CLANG CLANG," went Lars as
he pounded his bottle of Rogaine against a trash can!
Fucking Metallica.
Anyway.
Molly Holly (*swoon*) is the
women's champion again. She beat Gail Kim (asian chixxx *swoon*) last
week to win it. She's wrestling Trish Stratus (*kinda swoon*) tonight.
Wrestling occurs and Victoria runs out and attacks Trish for the DQ.
But Gail Kim defends her "fellow countryman Trish" (TRISH IS TEH
SLANT?!?!?1/1) from Victoria. She offers the handshake, which Trish
accepts, only to be coldcocked by Kim! YATTA! YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE
FILTHY JAPS! I think now would be a good time to dust off Kaientai's
old Kung Fu overdub gimmick. In fact, Funaki and Gail Kim should hook
up. Everyone needs lovin', even Funaki. ESPECIALLY Funaki. HIS SCHRONG
IS RIKE GODZIRRA! ^_^
RVD and Chris Jericho had a wicked
sick match which saw RVD win with a split legged moonsault. Yes,
someone in the WWE won with a move that isn't their finisher or a
rollup! Jericho blames his loss on the LazyBomb from earlier in
the night and challenges Kevin Nash to a PELO CONTRA PELO match! WHO HAS CALLED KEVIN NASH HAGE??? If Jericho loses, he should follow in
the tradition of fellow 80s rockers Axl Rose, David Lee Roth, and Bret
Michaels and get a really fucking awful hair weave.
Kane is carted into the arena in a
paddy wagon with ONE meager lock to keep him sealed in. Bischoff
unlocks him because he is the Master Of Unlocking and RELEASES TEH
BEAST.
Time for our best possible
non-wrestler main event! Bisch demonstrates his karate kicks on a
stagehand pre-match...well, not ON the stagehand, on one of those
sparring pads. HEAR COMES TEH MONNEY U FAGGZ! Bisch actually gets in a
good bit of offense at the start, knocking Shane down with his martial
arts kicks. I typed "marital arts" at first. That's when you paint
pictures of people at weddings. Shane summons his fighting spirit and
starts girlypunching Bischoff until Kane makes his presence felt and
YIKES Tombstones Shane on the steel steps. Shane is deader than Bob
Hope at this point, and Bischoff gets the easy pin. Bisch
celebrates like he just singlehandedly won the Super Bowl... "I DID IT!
IT WAS ALL ME!" An exuberant Bisch high-fives Coachman and Lawler, and
we are OUT.
Here's a logic proof for you:
Shane > Kane
Bischoff > Shane
... Bischoff > Kane
YAY, TRANSITIVE RULE! You know it's
true! Thankyougoodnight!
- ATAK
