January is always a delightful month. It's your first taste of the new year, and just a taste of what lies ahead. If I haven't mentioned it enough yet, my dad lost his job, I've some some fucked up bug and my mom's car was stolen. So, if I don't make it further along in this year in review thing than this, one can assume an asteroid has hit my house because it hates my freedom. In the much more light-hearted land of the WWE, though, things were not as different as one would believe. Eric Bischoff was in trouble of losing his job (I think. That might come up next month. Either way, I don't think it's mentioned, so fuck it), John Cena stole Undertaker's motorcycle (again, I really don't remember when this was, just go with me, dammit), and the mere site of Scott Steiner all greased up for a posedown caused millions to vomit. Anyway, I'm simply repeating what was already said, and said much better. Without any further ado, here is a pound of quotes from January 2003 for men.
"Paul says just standing next to the Big Show makes him feel like a real man. Yuck" - JG Smackdown 1/02
" It's not often you see someone use trademark moves of both Dr. Death and Kevin Sullivan. We need him to do the Abdominal Stretch and a top-rope bulldog, and he’ll be the entire Varsity Club! Wait, nobody knows that old NWA crap. Nevermind." - same
"The Lugz HZKZKZKZKRT of the BZZUZUZEUZRZREZUTR is Triple VZVKZKZKRTTERTRK turning on HBKZKZZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKZKRKKZKZKKKKKKKZZZKZKZKZKT." - TNM HEAT 1/05
"POSEDOWN POSEDOWN HOLY CHRIST CONTAIN YOUR EXCITEMENT SHOMEHOW HOLY SHIT I'M SO RAMPED UP THAT I MISSPELLED "SOMEHOW"!!!!!!!" - TNM 1/06 RAW
"Benoit gets in the ring to clean house, grabs a mic, and cuts a brutally bad promo consisting mostly of saying "tick" and "tock." He calls out the "Angle clone" that is Shelton Benjamin. I’m no expert on cloning, but aren’t clones generally members of the same ethnic group as their progenitors? Does progenitor mean what I think it means? And what’s the deal with the Pina Colada song?" - JG Smackdown 1/09
"You know, while it’s fun to see on TV sometimes, one reason they call it amateur wrestling is that nobody pays to watch it." - same
"What made that segment for me was the shot of Kurt gloating. Right behind him you can see this little kid in a DX-jersey chopping his crotch like there was no tomorrow. Jesus kid, it’s over. And please refrain from chopping your crotch before you become capable of intercourse." - same
" I mean, yeah friends and girls and going out and other shit is cool and all, but sometimes a brutha just wants to get drunk, take his shirt off and watch wrestling all night." - Jon Tape review
"Later, Jeff Hardy v. The Hurricane. Hmm. Jeff jobs to everybody, but Hurricane jobs to EVERYBODY..." - TNM HEAT 1/12
"I wanna rock right now. My name's Jean-Paul and I came to posedown." - same
"Commercials: Haha, that sour starburst never fails to ruin relationships." - SOFA RAW 1/13
"ZZZZZZZ: Bench Press Match: Big Poppa Pillz vs. Acronym
GUY IN A HURRICANE SHIRT. Steiner gets the mic. Blah blah. ZZZZZZ Man, Coach has some hellacious Ghetto booty. Haha, commercial. That was the whole segment." - same
"At the end of the show, I want Jade to ask Funaki what makes him such a good announcer." - JG Smackdown 1/16
"Hello, Sean O'Haire! I have a feeling that you'll be appearing on Heat quite a bit!" - TNM HEAT 1/19
"Anyway, Cole wonders during the match what kind of mood the Undertaker will be in. I’m banking that he’ll be in an old, boring mood." - JG Smackdown 1/23
"Hulk is back to make Taker seem young. Not interesting, just young. I wonder if he’s still best-buddies with Edge. I need a drink. Ok, I’m back. I’m gonna take a whiz. Ok, I’m back." - same
"Sean O'Haire still hates the church. I thought he hated the government this week? Mad Stan hates the government. Were he not fictional and from the future, he and Sean could TEAM UP!" - TNM HEAT 1/26
"Even your heel turns are blown spots, Jeff." - SOFA 1/27 RAW
"Steph points out the logical flaws in Vince’s hatred of Hulk’s return. Then she says "ruthless" and "aggression," but not "ruthless aggression." Vince promises a big surprise. You know, the best surprises always sneak up from behind." - JG Smackdown 1/30
Leaves you on the edge of your seat, doesn't it? Well, one only has to continue on with the wonderful tale that is the WV in 2003 to see what happens next! Will Sean O'Haire become the superstar we all know he is? Will the return of both Hogan and the Undertaker mean many more hours of hilarity with a touch of sorrow? Does a blown spot mean a blown HEEL turn for Jeff Hardy? Only the future (aka, February 2003) knows for sure!
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