"Shaniqua is slapping the Bashams around in the locker room when Velocity Numba One Announca intervenes. He points out that the pretend brothers got their asses pretend kicked at Vengeance. The Bashams invite Funaki to have sex with them, to the best of my understanding. They continue to bitch until the APA comes in all "NOBODY PICKS ON THAT GOOK BUT US!!!" Bradshaw: "What's you two fruity booties doin'?" I fucking hate you, Bradshaw. You're not fit to carry Stevie Ray's floppy odor eater. Hilarity ensues as the drunks pretend to mistake Shaniqua for a man. Then Bradshaw nonsensically calls the Bashams "Village People". You're the one that used to dress like a cowboy, fag. God, I hate him. Faarooq lobbies for a whacking until Bradshaw makes him leave. Cat: "Shaniqua is not a man, that's my tallll glass of chocolate milk!" Josh appropriately dubs him an idiot." - TNM Velocity 8/2

"Even Tommy realizes he's fucked, so he rolls outside to procure one of the many kendo sticks that live under the ring. He lies in wait on the second turnbuckle, but Mack's all "MY NAME IS KUNTA KINTE" as he floors Dreamer with a clothesline." - TNM Heat 8/3

""Quick, Triple H injured himself masturbating! Let's throw more guys in the match so he can squash them all and not have to carry Goldberg all by himself!" - ATAK RAW 8/4

"Sean O'Haire is backstage marking out for the Tarantula, but unfortunately he is not throwing graffiti around and pretending it's snowing like the WWE's other big spider fan. I should actually watch Heat some time." - JG Smackdown 8/7

"I'll call it the Money Clip to my dying day. Because I plan to be discussing 50 year old wrestling matches on my deathbed." - TNM Velocity 8/9

"He sets up the pumphandle slam again... got it! 1, 2, 3! Wait, I mean NO! He kicked out after two! Tommy's jobberdom made the false finish trick me." - TNM HEAT 8/10

" I don't think the WWE understands disabilities all that well." - SOFA RAW 8/11

"Now, I want you to consider this: Vince has more or less hired Big Show to soften up his new enemy the Undertaker, and that fact is pushed throughout the match. But nobody mentions the three or four months they spent feuding over the way Show threw Taker off a cliff (and there weren't even hamburgers at the bottom.) I'm putting a lot of verbiage in now for appearance's sake, as I doubt they'll be much to say when the action starts." - JG Smackdown 8/14

"Did Orlando and Funaki just bet Spanky that he couldn't eat chocolate? Is that a WWE ICE SCULPTURE? The catering table has little burlap sacks labeled "WHEAT"? So many questions." - TNM Velocity 8/16

"Cade's ready for the rebound bulldog, but Slater enters to meet him with the CLOTHESLINE FROM "THE MAX"!!!" - TNM HEAT 8/17

"If they seriously keep the title on Molly for a month or more without giving her a PMS-themed gimmick I will be pleasantly surprised." - JG Raw 8/18

"Eddie with rollin vertical suplexes, as Cole and Tazz teach us that "vato" means "Hey, Dude." TNM and I still hate that show, no matter what." - JG Smackdown 8/21

"O'Haire's o'hair is slicked back this week. He probably just came from a power lunch with Jesus or somebody." - TNM Velocity 8/23

"Now we go to Tazz, Michael Cole and their fruity tropical drinks. Cole tried to call it Similarslam or something. I think they should call it "SLUMBERSLAM" because it's gonna put you to SLEEP!!!!!!!!!11111111111 I fucking hate PPVs." - TNM HEAT 8/24

"I never thought I'd be rejoicing over a HHH title victory, but here we are." - ATAK Summerslam 8/24

"Kane found the flamable liquids, and dumps them all into a dumpster, appropraitely enough. He supposedly ignites them, and Shane supposedly manages to knock Kane into the flames. Supposedly. Jesus, that may have been the most ridiculous thing I've seen. " - Sofa Raw 8/25

"Triple H thinks Y2Stinger is the bees' knees. And don't ask me why I know this, but there's a vibrator called the Stinger. Yuck. It specializes in drawing ASS BLOOD." - JG Smackdown 8/28

"Josh Mathews is accompanied by Tazz this week? The Cat must be in the process of getting fired or something. Tazz thinks his broadcast partner is Michael Cole. "What the hell did you do with Cole?" He checks UNDER THE DESK? Disturbing." - TNM Velocity 8/30.

I didn't include anything from that column I wrote back when X-Pac went crazy (as I like to point out my own modesty), but, in re-reading it just now, I just now realize what X-Pac meant by "spending time in the drama dept." X-Pac's rantings going over my head. I am an idiot.